The link below is a taster of what Top of the Pops was like when I was fourteen and driving all my teachers bonkers by being a pain in their pedagogical arses and leading them to write things in my reports such as 'Fran's efforts are dangerously selective ..' and (quoting my Physics teacher) 'E for effort, E for attainment ... She's just hopeless'.
Warning: only watch this if you have had your Tony Blackburn immunisation jab
One of my teenage dreams in 1974, usually played out while I laid my spotty cheek against a wall poster of David Cassidy pretending we were lovers, was to get into a recording of TOTP so that I could be on the telly like all the other girls who were there. I, too, wanted to ...
a) wear so much blue eyeshadow that I looked like I had the Atlantic Ocean on my eyelids
b) stand there looking awkward while the slow songs were on, as though I'd lost my way in the studio and just wandered on set by mistake
c) show the world that I too could use powdered shampoo and have sticky, dull, flyaway hair as a result
d) wear my Bay City Roller tartan trousers with a cheesecloth shirt and a poncho in an attempt to win the Least Attractive Teenager on Telly 1976 competition
e) pretend I wasn't there to try and make Donny Osmond realise that I would be the perfect wife for him and what a fool he was never to have seen it before
f) wear blusher on my cheeks that made me look as though I had a fever and needed immediate hospitalisation
g) stand right up close to the stage so that Freddie Mercury's saliva would land on my head when he sang Killer Queen
I never fulfilled these dreams. Oh yes, I wore the Least Attractive Teenager outfit, and the Atlantic Ocean eyeshadow, and the tubercular blusher, but I only had my friends and family to laugh at me and not the whole UK nation.
Oh well. I guess I could always apply for X Factor and give myself another opportunity.
|'Stop, stop, please - I can't bear any more!'' cried the audience member, but she continued nevertheless, |
determined not to be done out of her moment of humiliation