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Saturday, 4 June 2011

Reasons why I might just start cutting my own hair

Things you don't want your hairdresser to say.  But she does anyway.

1. Yes, it is strange that all the cut hair just sticks to your skin like that every time you come.  No, no, I don't know anyone else who has that problem.  With everyone else, we can just give it a gentle whizz with the hairdryer and it comes off.  Are you feeling particularly hot and sweaty?

Implication?  You are a freak. A very sticky freak.  You should market yourself as a fly-catcher to a delicatessen.

2. That's a nice tan you have there.  How do I know?  Because of the white bits I can see round the edge of your hairline.

Implication?  You are a freak who will look even freakier when the wind blows your hair back off your face and everyone can see where your tanned look ends and your freaky look begins.

3. Ah yes, you're right.  You DID need to come.

Implication?  For the last few weeks, you - a sticky, white-bordered freak - have also been kidding yourself that your hair is just a little untidy.  In fact, you've gone around looking like a woman who's wrapped her head in a badly-woven shag-pile rug.  How have you lived with yourself?

4. Your kids say you should dye your hair to hide the grey?  Well ... we open late on Thursdays if that's of any help.

Implication?  Not only are you a sticky, white-bordered, shaggy freak, but you've enough grey in that head to make wigs for thirteen octogenarians and it's going to take a three-hour session to sort you out.

5. Yes, yes, your hair IS very fine.   At least there's still quite a lot there!

Implication?  Not only are you a sticky, white-bordered, shaggy freak with enough grey to make wigs for thirteen octogenarians, but I can see signs of early female balding patterns which I daren't tell you about.  Put it this way, sunshine: It won't be long before you won't be needing my services, and you'll be spending all your money on scarves and hats.  And I won't be sorry.  There are reasons why I let you out via the back door.

That's right, my dear.  Face away from the mirror.  No point upsetting yourself ...

19 comments:

  1. This is why I like my hairdresser. He doesn't speak to me at all.

    Though the laughter is a bit off putting.

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  2. I can't stand chatty hairdressers myself. I don't want them thinking about what they're going to say next, I want them thinking about their job which is to make me look awesome.

    If I wanted friendly chat, I'd talk to my friends who'd probably tell me I need a haircut.

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  3. Never go there myself ... for even more crazy reasons than these.
    thanks for sharing
    martine

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  4. Steve - that made ME laugh.

    Mollie - I know what you mean. Sometimes I think they feel they HAVE to talk to you, but I'm very happy if they just get on with it.

    Martine - wise, wise lady, I'm sure.

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  5. Your kids do NOT say you should dye your hair! Well at least one of them thinks you shouldn't.

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  6. The Japanese Student - ask the Older Sister ... she's definitely said so. Anyway, thank you. I'm glad you like me as I am. Old. Grey. Decrepit.

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  7. Just remember that old Tom Robinson song, 'Sing If You're Glad To Be Grey'.

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  8. Hairdressers are bastards. After a bit of a frugal period as a student, I had to cut my own hair for a while.

    When I eventually (and reluctantly) got a job, I decided to treat myself to a proper haircut.

    I arrived at the hairdressers, and the stylist examined my hair before asking if she could take a 'before' and 'after' photograph.

    When I asked 'why', she replied that she wanted to showcase her ability to do 'repair jobs'. Cheeky moose.

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  9. On the whole i find my hairdresser reasonably tactful.
    Do you think she might be afraid of me?

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  10. One of the many perks of having a shaved head, and doing the buzz process myself, is not having to interact with comments like these...

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  11. I cut my own fringe on Thursday - it was a disaster so despite the innuendos it's probably best you keep going- especially if you've any eyesight problems:)

    The phrase that annoys me most from hairdressers is; "Where are you going on holiday?".... sooo irritating, especially if you're not actually going on holiday. In fact, I was once asked that by an anaesthetist (presumably to relax me)...I muttered my answer and he replied "Oh in the Sun? Good idea." I shouted "No, The Somme!" and passed out....I had some queer looks when I woke up:)

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  12. I have resolved to stick (pardon) to the same hairdresser instead of hopping around the canton in vain search of the one person who might actually be able to do what I want with my hair. In the hope that her eventual intimacy with my hair issues will bear fruit, so to speak.
    But never, ever, ever, would I cut my own. 'Twould be the equivalent of all the worst haircuts I've ever had all rolled into one.

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  13. Like Deborah I've decided to 'stick' to the same hairdresser 'though in the hope that she'll tip me off when I need a change: same 'style' for more than 10 years now, just getting greyer. Girls don't comment on style, just greyness, says it all really.

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  14. You're welcome to mine , who makes me look like Milly Molly Mandy , whatever I ask her to do . (Mind you , that may not be entirely her fault) .
    She does , though know that I am talked out at 5 o'clock when I go in and and is probably all talked out herself by then so doesn't feel the need to enquire about holiday bookings .

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  15. Last time I visited the barbers, I believe it was myself, not the barber, who said something you'd never wish to hear whilst there.

    I believe it went something along the lines of, "Free reign. Just make it shorter. Much shorter."

    I came out wondering what in the blue-hell he'd done. Oops.

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  16. Bahaha! Thank heavens my hairdresser is a friend of mine! God bless her-for the last 20 years she has used her magical powers to make this mess on my head relatively presentable. But I still look like Conan O'Brien when I get up in the morning...

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  17. Anonymous8/6/11 08:32

    My hairdresser commented that my coarse,white tresses reminded her of horse hair. Of course I said "Neigh!"
    Anna May x

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  18. Martin H - and cry if you're not, presumably.

    Annie - a before and after? What a cheek! You should have battered her to death with a hairdryer.

    Vintage Jane - Hil-hair-ious.

    Friko - afraid of you? Mild mannered old you?

    brahm - I do believe a shaved head might be the answer. But it would make me about a centimetre shorter, too, and that I don't need.

    Jane - loved your anaesthetist story!

    Deborah - I can't even tell where my own nose is when I look in a mirror, I'm so spatially unaware. Doing my own haircut ..? I dread to think.

    hausfrau - i wish there was a way hairdressers could just cut out the grey and leave the dark hair behind. Don't they teach them anything at hairdresser school?

    SmitandSon - I WANT to look like Milly Molly Mandy and have big hair. If it was big, I don't even think I'd mind the grey.

    richii - come round, I want to see your bald haircut.

    I'm Crayon - just stay friends with your hairdresser, that's all I advise. Don't ever fall out with her.

    Anonymous Anna May - I bet you did, too.

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