Reasons why I might just start cutting my own hair
1. Yes, it is strange that all the cut hair just sticks to your skin like that every time you come. No, no, I don't know anyone else who has that problem. With everyone else, we can just give it a gentle whizz with the hairdryer and it comes off. Are you feeling particularly hot and sweaty?
Implication? You are a freak. A very sticky freak. You should market yourself as a fly-catcher to a delicatessen.
2. That's a nice tan you have there. How do I know? Because of the white bits I can see round the edge of your hairline.
Implication? You are a freak who will look even freakier when the wind blows your hair back off your face and everyone can see where your tanned look ends and your freaky look begins.
3. Ah yes, you're right. You DID need to come.
Implication? For the last few weeks, you - a sticky, white-bordered freak - have also been kidding yourself that your hair is just a little untidy. In fact, you've gone around looking like a woman who's wrapped her head in a badly-woven shag-pile rug. How have you lived with yourself?
4. Your kids say you should dye your hair to hide the grey? Well ... we open late on Thursdays if that's of any help.
Implication? Not only are you a sticky, white-bordered, shaggy freak, but you've enough grey in that head to make wigs for thirteen octogenarians and it's going to take a three-hour session to sort you out.
5. Yes, yes, your hair IS very fine. At least there's still quite a lot there!
Implication? Not only are you a sticky, white-bordered, shaggy freak with enough grey to make wigs for thirteen octogenarians, but I can see signs of early female balding patterns which I daren't tell you about. Put it this way, sunshine: It won't be long before you won't be needing my services, and you'll be spending all your money on scarves and hats. And I won't be sorry. There are reasons why I let you out via the back door.
|That's right, my dear. Face away from the mirror. No point upsetting yourself ...|