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Friday, 9 September 2011

Evidence that empty crisp packets can be the inspiration for blog posts of true literary merit

Well, THAT was a bit of a change of pace from the lyings-in and the book-reading of the summer holidays!  Back to school with a vengeance.  Imagine trying to race in the 100 metres against Usain Bolt when you were only used to being a member of the Weekend Country Half-Hearted Are-We-Nearly-There-Yet Ramblers' Association, and you'll get the picture.

So, here I am, sitting in front of my desk at home, wondering what I can do that's purposeful, and I'm thinking, 'I know!  Why don't I tell my readers what's on my desk?!  That'll make them put their Val McDermid thriller down just so they can find out!  What jolly spiffing ideas I have!'

'What?  Fran's writing about what's on her desk?!  Suddenly, I have lost ALL desire
to find out who dunnit.'


What's On My Desk

1. An empty Walkers Cheese and Onion crisps packet which is annoying the hell out of me.  Oh, the crisps tasted okay, but then I had just got in from school and would have gladly chewed on a mildewed cardboard box, so that's not saying much.    This is what it says on the front of the packet:

                                                       Cheese and Onion
                                    Flavour Potato Crisps


Let me translate this for you:

                              We want you to think these crisps
              have real cheese and onion in them
              but really they've been as near to cheese and onion as David Cameron's been to a Lidl store


Then there's a load of guff on the back telling you that, 'Having grown up in a 10-acre field by the Dog 'n' Duck, the spuds chosen for this bag will go to the ends of the earth  [I think I am going to be sick - who writes this stuff?] to make sure they get into a bag of Walkers Cheese and Onion Flavour Crisps.  This mouth-watering combo is so popular that these spuds know the nation's favourite is the only flavour for them.'

Darling, what's that you're reading?
Oh, hello, Mummy Potato.  I'm just reading the careers booklet I got from school.
Oh yes?  And what does it advise?
Well, you know you wanted me to be a doctor or a professor?
Yes dear.
I think I'd rather be sliced thinly, fried, covered in pretend flavours, and sold for an astronomical price to a member of the unwitting public.  Would you and Daddy mind?
We hoped for much more, dear. You know how upset we were that your brother wanted to be a crinkle-cut chip and had no more ambition than that.
And you didn't like my big sister leaving home to become powdered instant mash either, did you, Mummy?
Could you not at least apply to be a nice middle-class Kettle Chip or part of a pile of what they call crushed potato in posh restaurants?  We all know they mean 'not properly mashed', but it's very fashionable, dear.
Okay, Mummy, maybe you're right.  Or I might even go back to the idea of being someone who broadcasts what's happening during a football match.
Ugh!  You mean, be a common tater?  No way!

2.  Oh dear.  I have written so much claptrap about Number 1 that now I've got to Number 2, I feel I can't impose much more on you, kind reader to stay even this long.  Should I be worried that I can write quite that much about a piece of litter?  Be grateful, my friends, that I am going to spare you the story of the empty mug, revolving pencil and National Trust calendar ...

Time for bed.  Teaching is hard work, especially on Fridays when the sun is shining and the kids really would rather be eating their own ear wax than sitting in your class.  I saw an advert in the Times Educational Supplement's job pages today for a 'Teacher of Resistant Materials'.  Ha ha ha ha!  That's me!


Should you not have taken your medication today and want to read another post about a crisp packet, there's one here.  I should not be able to show my face in public, really, having written two posts about crisp packets.



A picture for fishducky







29 comments:

  1. A packet of crisps means a spud gun lying alone somewhere, unloved, unused and quite possibly crying.

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  2. We don't have those here--across the pond. Were they good?

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  3. ooh a common tater! That would be the one the cricket fans hated, who was engrossed in the dog walking across the pitch ... rather than yer actual cricket match.

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  4. Steve - I always knew you were a man of compassion. And you are always my first commenter - do you have a computer down your vest?

    fishducky - I think you might call them potato chips?

    Elephant's Eye - that'll be him.

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  5. fishducky - I am adding a picture, just for you.

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  6. Well, at least you didn't write about potatoes who had their chips, and the friends who were cut up about it. A story like that isn't likely to have much a-peel.

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  7. Martin - you are PunMeister. I can't compete. You are mash better than I am.

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  8. I am not even going to attempt a pun, needless to say I spot a fellow sufferer of new academic year blues.

    Although Primary is much more fun,,,we are making our own version of Horrible Histories this year. I might need industrial strength coffee... and chilli artificial flavouring

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  9. Do you have an American-English dictionary? Let's see--chips=crisps, franch fries=chips. Not to mention trucks=lorries & elevators=lifts. And how come you guys spell so funny--dropping z's & using s's instead & putting u's where they don't belong? What kind of BEHAVIOuR is that? Pray, tell me, oh great wordsmith!

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  10. Fab post - as always. I'm sorry I've been away...

    My Friday Photo has a crisp theme although there could've been something altogether more revolting inside the packets I spotted.

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  11. No, but I have an Apple in my pocket (for teacher).

    ;-)

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  12. Charlotte - You are a superior Human Being to me, working in Primary schools. I just wouldn't be able to cope.

    fishducky, oh fishducky - of course those u's belong. In fact, I can hear the words 'humor' and 'color' WEEPING all the way from here, wondering where their u's are. You are such a cruel nation.

    Jenny - will go and have a look.

    Steve - go and put that Apple on my desk right now.

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  13. Common Tater!!!!! Groan.......

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  14. Oh I laughed out loud at common tater! And I loved that fishducky was having such a difficulty with translation.
    Husband is now an NQT and has survived his first week of being (almost) a proper teacher - he's having to spend the weekend in front of the rugby to recuperate.

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  15. hausfrau - thank you for laughing. Martin only groaned. Both responses understandable, however. What subject is your husband doing or is he doing primary school? Tell him that recuperating at weekends is definitely the way forward. My days of working solidly from dawn till dusk both weekend days are gone - I have learned a hard lesson.

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  16. Yes , I lost the will to live round about 9.30 on Friday morning when I realised that I'd have to do it all again next week .
    I'm not sure that Cheese and Onion crisps are enough , though . A large steak , a larger glass of wine and True Blood on the telly might restore me ....

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  17. Not a teacher, but I really want an Apple please?

    Oh and eating earwax - have just read that honeyguide birds are unique in being able to eat beeswax. I could give you a link, but that blog will really send you screaming into the night. It is not MY blog. Mine is a twitcher, not a screamer.

    My brain is grumbling over - what do you call people who are willing to eat fried potatoes that the Cheese and Onion Fairy flew over?

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  18. Well, at least you're not ringing round Edinburgh trying to find someone to make a bespoke wedding tiara for your daughter who's getting married next Saturday and hasn't seen anything she likes yet. And is an architect with strong views about style and doesn't like tiaras that look like tiaras and have glittery things on them.

    What is a revolving pencil? Does it revolve one as one writes, or does it simply write circular letters?

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  19. Isabelle : I might have an idea .

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  20. doesn't anybody round here have any work to do?

    At least I blogged about boiled eggs.

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  21. Isabelle - hope SmitandSon can help. Anyway, I went for coffee with my daughter the day before her wedding (she was meant to be organising much of it herself) and she got out a piece of paper and said, 'Fancy helping me sort out a seating plan?' and then told me she had no one to drive her to church. That ended up being quite a busy day ...

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  22. Friko - boiled eggs. Crisps. Now all we need is some Marmite soldiers.

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  23. You can buy Marmite crisps !
    ( One more comment from me on this entry and I could be viewed as a stalker )

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  24. Being from the States, I'm getting a kick out of you all calling them "crisps."As you know, we call them "chips" and your "chips" are our "fries." I'm going to start calling chips "crisps" and see if my family notices anything. If you don't hear from me in a few days, call the police.

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  25. SmitandSon - that's not quite as strange as something I saw today at a food festival. It was a 'curry-wurst' - a German sausage covered in curry sauce. Er, no.

    Diane - it's all rather confusing, I agree. This is why the picture was necessary ...!

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  26. LOL! You are the only person I know who can turn an empty crisp packet into an event!

    Try not to work too hard. What do you teach by the way?

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  27. Annie - I am an English teacher, and deal every day with massive themes of love and power and tragedy. And ... er ... crisp packets.

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  28. Husband is teaching Maths in secondary school. His biggest challenge seems to be dealing with the 'organisation' (he would say lack of)rather than the children, 'though it's early days!
    This is a very chatty set of comments: it's good to see everyone has joined in the doing something/anything that isn't what they ought to be doing!

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  29. I miss English crisps. They taste better than ours.

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