Message 1. Halifax Online Service Security Update
Well, thanks for that, Halifax Bank, or Probably-Not-Halifax-Bank, but I'd get advice on your use of capital letters for the beginnings of all your words. It arouses instant suspicion, in a serial-killer-suspicion kind of way. Think: 'I Am Coming To Get You With a Big Knife'.
Message 2. Nothing beats a British fry-up!
Well, there you're wrong. Not getting junk mail with stupid messages beats a British fry-up. And cut out the exclamation marks. I spend the whole day, every day, telling 14 year olds not to over-use the exclamation mark, then I get home at the end of the day, and there's you, bombarding me with insincere emotion so that I click on your dodgy link. Bog off.
Message 3. Handbag giveaway every day in October.
No thanks. This would make me the proud owner of 30 handbags, and however given-away they were, that's still 29 more than I need. Some of us can't fill up our wardrobes with spare handbags, you know. Some of us fill our wardrobes with clothes as wide as a 6-man tent which need hangers that would stretch across the Atlantic and stop you from closing the door properly in the first place.
Message 4. You have a new secure message from Egg
Secure? Then why is it in my junk mail? Secure + Egg? Sorry, sunshine. Secure + Padlocked-Steel-Enforced-Safe, yes. Secure + Vault-Guarded-by-Rottweilers, yes. Secure + Egg? You must be yolking.
Message 5. Halifax Account Status Notification
Now, just because you've missed the word 'online' off the subject line this time doesn't mean I'm fooled. This looks suspiciously like the previous message, received only 2 hours before. When a murderer says, 'Come here and let me dismember you', just because he repeats it a second time as 'Come and let me dismember you' this isn't going to make the victim go, 'Oh, SORRY, I thought you were being threatening just then! My apologies! Do approach with the kitchen knife ANY TIME.'
Message 6. Halifax Online Banking: Account Status Notification
Nice try, honeybun. Nice try. But not subtle.
Message 7. Viagra 100mg x 60 pills £125, Free Pills and Reorder Discount, Top Selling 100% quality, Satisfaction Guaranteed
Have you been taking lessons from the Probably-Not-Halifax in how to make people suspicious with capital letters? Because, if so, it's working fine. Please go away and sell your Viagra to people with the relevant equipment. And sort out your comma splices. If I were a man, I wouldn't buy Viagra from a comma-splicer who over-uses capital letters even if I was as limp as a month-old lettuce.
|Fran wondered whether she was over-reacting to yet another junk email from the Probably-Not-Halifax|