Evidence that you can start married life realistically now

Have you heard about the new marriage service that is being introduced soon as a response to complaints that the current one on offer is a little too unrealistic and doesn't reflect modern life?


I quote directly from the 'Book of Common Problems'.




Minister turns to groom
Do you, Michael, take Julia to be your lawful wedded wife?
Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her?
Will you take her to the cinema to see films like Love Actually
Without doing that thing where you stick your fingers down your throat?
Will you wait patiently in Monsoon while she tries on thirteen dresses
And never say, ‘That one makes you look a bit mumsy’?
Will you promise faithfully not to clean your ears with the serviette while at family dinners round her mother’s
And then show everyone the gobbet of wax and say ‘Oh well, better out than in!’
Will you let her eat your chips even though she says she’s on a diet
And, forsaking all sideways glances at Rihanna when she’s on TV,
Be faithful to Julia as long as you both shall live?

Minister turns to the bride
Do you, Julia, take Michael to be your lawful wedded husband?
Will you love him, keep him, honour and protect him?
Will you let him put his feet on the coffee table at least once a week
Without offering to cut his toenails while he watches Top Gear?
Do you promise not to ask him what he’s thinking
Until at least three minutes of silence has elapsed?
Will you promise faithfully not to talk to your friends about his funny-shaped birthmark
Or where it is … and what your pet name is for it?
Will you let him wear brown trousers with a blue shirt … and yellow socks
Without walking three metres behind him in town in a pointed manner?
Do you vow not to leave him post-it notes when you’re out saying
‘The dog has had diarrhoea in the corner of the lounge.  I didn’t have time to deal with it.’? …
And, forsaking all references to David Beckham’s pants adverts
Be faithful to Michael as long as you both shall live?

The bride and groom at this point are meant to say in response 'I will' and not things like, 'As long as you take out the David Beckham clause'


Julia's wedding day was all she had ever dreamed ... except that Michael
had brought his comfort blanket with him and she wasn't sure how to broach the issue






Comments

  1. Janie Junebug23/5/12 17:30

    I will!

    Love,
    Janie Lola

    ReplyDelete
  2. Steve23/5/12 22:28

    Will this make marriage more attractive or less... hmm. It's a trade-off isn't it? Being about to wear brown and blue but having to see chick-flicks... The bride had better be a looker.

    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Martin23/5/12 22:32

    Thanks Fran. A nice, early morning chuckle. Just what I needed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill24/5/12 12:45

      If you want an early morning chuckle, you could always look in the mirror. Works for me every time.

      Delete
  4. Frances24/5/12 00:55

    Excellent writing.... Very funny ( and true!)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Alan Burnett24/5/12 06:39

    What's wrong with brown trousers and a blue shirt? Is there something my wife should be telling me?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill24/5/12 12:45

      Are you quite sure she HASN'T been telling you, Alan?......

      Delete
  6. Nick Riches24/5/12 13:16

    How about "accept that one day he really will look like his father!" Don't know who would be the more frightened.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/5/12 10:49

      If only it didn't apply to women and their mothers, too!

      Delete
  7. Charlotte24/5/12 15:15

    Not to mention
    "wilt thou accept that she will say all the things her mother does, then complain she is turning into her mother!"

    I loved my wedding vows, they were in Finnish, and apparently I answered 'in the affirmative'. Star Trek, eat your heart out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/5/12 10:49

      That's brilliant. I think 'in the affirmative' should be adopted in the service. It has a ring to it (har har).

      Delete
  8. Crayon25/5/12 07:39

    So perfect! Marriage is kind of like skydiving, isn't it? Just can't know what it's like until you actually do it. Too bad it doesn't come with a chute.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/5/12 10:49

      Yes, marriage and skydiving. The links. Almost a blog post in itself.

      Delete
  9. SmitoniusAndSonata25/5/12 09:06

    The other day , I cycled past a group of young girls on their way to the polytechnic , just as one was saying ,
    " That's the one big thing that goes wrong between men and women ....".
    So young !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/5/12 10:50

      And what was it? I'm all agog!

      Delete
    2. SmitoniusAndSonata25/5/12 11:59

      Dunno ! That's the problem with cycling past .
      Perhaps I should hang around the college entrance and see if I spot her again. Shouldn't be too hard . Long hair , leggings , tunic-ey frock , big bag .....

      Delete
  10. Elizabeth Musgrave25/5/12 14:32

    What do we do about the groom and his addiction to match of the day (now showing every single day as far as I can tell. I am sure when I was younger it was just once a week)? And the bride's secret fondness for Escape to the Country? Do they balance each other out? How can they when no one offers you "analysis" of EttC?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/5/12 22:38

      To these eternal questions, Elizabeth, alas, I have no answers.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are defin...
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set ...
Read more

Reasons why Being Me is going to be Was Being Me for a while

I'm now on my summer holidays from school, dear friends, and I think there are two ways these 7 weeks could go. Option 1. I start out with the intention of chasing more agents and publishers for my books/beginning a new novel/writing some articles/trying to pitch a new column/entering some story and poetry competitions, but after 5 minutes of enthusiasm decide to blog/read blogs instead because it's just TOO DIFFICULT.  I therefore spend hours blogging and then find it's bedtime. Option 2. I decide to have a break from the blogosphere so that I can give myself as much chance as possible of actually getting past that 'it's just too difficult' point. I know myself too well.  So, I've decided on option 2.  You're a great bunch of followers and I hope you'll stick around so that when that I start 'Being Me' again in September or thereabouts, you'll be looking out for a seminal post about a stuffed animal or an incident on a local bus .....
Read more