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Friday, 29 June 2012

Evidence that one doesn't have to spend hours reading fairy tales to children if one is canny about it ...

Now I am to become a grandmother, I need to get my stock of fairy tales sorted in case I'm asked to babysit.  They're so LONG, though, aren't they?  What were the Grimms THINKING?!  Didn't THEY ever need to get downstairs in time for Coronation Street?  

It's no good.  Some cuts will have to be made.  So ...

Even Littler Red Riding Hood


Little Red Riding Hood lived near the forest with her mother.  One day, her mother said, ‘If I bake some cakes, will you take them to Grandmother?  Only, be careful as you walk through the forest, because of the wolf.  He is dangerous and fierce and will eat you.’ 
            The little girl had barely been on the forest path for five minutes before she saw the wolf.  She stopped, petrified.  But the wolf did not seem to even notice her at first.  He had his hairy head buried in a book called ‘Lupine Anger Management - Module 1.’  
            Just then, the Wolf’s head emerged from the book.
            ‘Oh, hi there, hun,’ he said, amiably.  ‘How goes it?’
            ‘Fine,’ said Red Riding Hood, smiling nervously.  ‘I’m just off to Grandmother’s with some cakes.’
            ‘Lovely day for it,’ said the Wolf, raising a cheerful paw.  ‘Enjoy!’  And he went back to his book.  So Red Riding Hood skipped off to visit Grandmother, leaving the Wolf very pleased with himself and writing a big tick against Chapter 3, ‘How to resist attacking little girls dressed in bright colours.’  


The End, and just in time for Corrie.

'That's the last time I'm ever going to believe Mother about ANYthing,' thought Red.
It was the beginning of a long period of rebellion, culminating in a pregnancy, an unfortunate
marriage, and a short period in a women's prison.  No happy ending there, then.

32 comments:

  1. Yes, this is one intelligent wolf. I believe he moved on to ‘Lupine Anger Management - Module 1’ after collaborative work in deconstructivism, that involved three little pigs.

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    1. Yes, I think the overdose of pork and the resulting indigestion made him rethink.

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  2. Are they warm cakes or cold cakes because that will effect the amount of VAT on them?

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    1. I don't know! Always obsessed with the detail! It's always the way with Lego lovers.

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  3. LOVED IT!! Are there more????????

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  4. Please! Please! Plea-ea-ease !

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  5. You're all greedy guts.

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  6. Youngest Daughter says it should be 'gutses'.

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  7. Your editing skills are considerable. But shortening these stories won't help. Children just make you read and reread and reread the short ones over and over.

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    1. Oh Lord , I'd forgotten about that one . If you have to read the same story night after night for seven months , try to make sure it's not Mr. Magnolia .

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    2. I never encountered Mr Magnolia so I looked it up on Amazon. What can you mean? The plot sounds complex and riveting!

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  8. Not wanting to stereotype, but I will. Said grandchild is a son you said? So out with the fairies and in with the tank engines!! Round and round and round the island of Sodor..... toot toot!!

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    1. Now that WOULD be deja vu, having read Thomas a zillion times to the son who's just about to be a daddy.

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  9. I wish I had that version last week. I had read every word of The Three Little Pigs ( which is very long , and repetitive !) and then my granddaughter insisted on Red Riding Hood as well. Needless to say there was a bit of précis going on by the time I got half way through.

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    1. I will post my shorter version of Three Little Pigs, for you.

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  10. Surely RRH then went on to star in a reality show, thus turning her life around, which led to an appearance in "Hello" magazine and a part in "Corrie"...?

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    1. Hello magazine is the pinnacle of any fairy tale heroine's career, as we know.

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    2. Closely followed by an overdose of Junior Disprin and re-hab.

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    3. Closely followed by an overdose of Junior Disprin and re-hab.

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    4. Ha ha, Keyna. Love it. 'Hello, my name is Red Riding Hood and I'm a Calpolaholic ...'

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  11. Don't every buy a Dr. Seuss book called "The Cat's Quizzer." We read that damn book every night for . . . I think it was at least 20 years. Or it felt that way. In my fairy tales that feature women, they always reject the handsome prince in favor of attending college.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Thanks for the advice. Although I do like a bit of Seuss.

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  12. I think if the wolf was lying down your version would work better because then he could be reading 'Supine Lupine Anger Management' and you would save Corrie time by having poetry and prose all in one bedtime story.

    Anna May x

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    1. I think the supine lupine should get a story all of his own. Brilliant.

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  13. Tell the real story in all the gorey detail where the wolf eats grandma & has to be chopped open by the woodcutter. Make sure to put lots of blood & gore details in & you won't have to read it again..... You WILL have to be up all night with grandchild having nightmares though !

    (You may have to tell it over & over when grandson is older & wanting blood & gore details - then you will be a very cool granny !)

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    1. And I suppose your next piece of advice will be 'read them Stephen King'....?

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  14. Hahaha! Love it. Also, I just finished reading Being Miss and I've put it on my new blog post for Summer reads. I hope you get some traffic. I think it was lovely and I liked the way you set up in one day. A teacher's long day. I so appreciate that. Both humorous and literary. Enjoyed it.

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    1. I am SO glad you liked 'Being Miss'. Thanks so much for recommending it. And 'humorous and literary' is the biggest compliment you could give me. Much appreciated.

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  15. I like your approach but my daughter would have just kept saying again. if you have not yet read 'The Pickle Book' give it a read.

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  16. I like the creative approach, J Brian Waddington, and think that reading a recipe book to a child at bedtime is an innovative idea.

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