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Thursday, 12 July 2012

Reasons why Cinderella and Nigella are never destined to be friends

Another Fairy Tale adapted for parents and grandparents who would rather watch TV than read lengthy bedtime stories ...

A beautiful girl called Cinderella lived with two ugly sisters who treated her like a slave.  One morning, an invitation came from the Prince to a lavish ball.  Both of the ugly sisters were very excited, and had already booked Botox appointments, but Cinderella, who was not allowed to go, despite being naturally smooth of forehead, was sad. 
            As the sisters set off, fluttering their fans, Cinderella cried. 
            She sat alone in the kitchen.  Suddenly, there was a ping and Cinders glanced towards the microwave, but it was actually a Fairy Godmother who had appeared in the corner of the kitchen.  (Cat flap?)   Unlike most Fairy Godmothers, this one was not smiling or happy.  Unlike most, she also sounded worryingly like a piece of kitchen equipment.  
            ‘What’s the matter?’ said Cinderella, kindly. 
            ‘It’s no good,’ said the Fairy Godmother.  ‘I had all these great plans to send you to the ball in a coach made out of a pumpkin and now it can’t happen.’ 



Not a travelling method for those who want to blend in


            ‘But why not?’ said Cinderella, thinking that she had never before received good news and bad news in such quick succession.  Sometimes, life was shite.
            ‘Because Nigella made Pumpkin Pancakes on TV last week, so the shops have sold out, and I can’t get a pumpkin for love nor money,’ moaned the Fairy Godmother, her head in her hands.
            'Please put your head back on your neck,' said Cinderella.  'I'm not comfortable with the idea of being in a fairy story that changes genre so suddenly.'
            In the end, Cinderella made the Fairy Godmother a cup of tea and they both sat, disconsolate, until they heard the Ugly Sisters clacking up the garden path.  The Fairy Godmother pecked Cinderella on the cheek, said, ‘Maybe next time, poppet,’ and disappeared.  



            Cinderella sighed and awaited the arrival of the Ugly Sisters.  She knew that they would gloat over the evening’s events and could only console herself with one thing.  The party guests must have noticed that, despite having shiny, crease-less foreheads, the Ugly Sisters’ necks and cleavages were as saggy and wrinkled as Noah’s testicles. 

             When one's Fairy Godmother turns out to be pumpkin-less, Cinderella mused, one has to get comfort where one can.




20 comments:

  1. Hilarious! My daughter loves Nigella.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Nigella reminds me of Nutella every time. Nutella Lawson. TV's new hazelnut-flavoured chef.

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    2. Oh, how I love Nutella. My daughter can keep Nigella. I'll take Nutella.

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  2. Noah’s testicles? Aren't they included in Nigella's recipe for plum duff?

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    1. That's one I haven't tried, Martin. And there are reasons why.

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  3. "as saggy and wrinkled as Noah’s testicles". That image should never be a feature of any fairy tale.

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  4. I want your (very short, I'm sure) book of shortened fariy tales!!

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    1. So do I! I must write one!

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  5. THIS FAIRY STORY IS INDECENT(ly good) .

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    1. Thank you for the ?compliment!

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  6. Can't mention Nigella witout thinking of "inner thigh wobble"! Sorry. I shall now go back into my dark corner again.....

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    1. Is that a kind of chicken dish of hers?

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  7. This story is far more pragmatic and realistic than the original. At least it will keep girls from thinking they need to rely on Prince Charming to rescue them.

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    Replies
    1. Exactly. I am doing the world a favour here.

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  8. Bloody brilliant that bit about Noah's testicle. I spat out my brew! You sure have an imagination on you!

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    1. I am always really gratified to find I've made someone spit. I don't know why it pleases me, but it does.

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  9. Loving these. I read them out to my daughter. She's 19 & giggles too !

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    1. That's good - glad she appreciates my random sense of humour!

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  10. Crikey - I was intrigued by the idea of Cinderella and Nutella, but I need new glasses ;-)

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