Evidence that even familiar, cosy little nursery rhymes can be mangled to perdition


I'm in the mood for a bit of silliness.  You are the unfortunate recipients of it.  I apologise in advance.





1.

Mary had a little lamb.
The midwife had a fit.
She, thinking it would be a child,
Had not expected it.
She glanced at Mary, wondering,
If Mary had a clue
That instead of having a mini-me
She'd had a mini-ewe?




2.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her husband paled with shock.
He'd always wanted kids,
But was less sure about a flock.


3.

Mary had a little lamb.
She had it with mint sauce.
And, contrary to what you'd think,
Felt nothing of remorse.
The following day, however,
She died of gas formation.
The moral?  Better stick to
Everybody's expectation.

4.

Mary had a little lamb.
Oh, where should I begin,
To tell the tragic story
Of what she did to him?
For, though, it was now little,
Once, massive it had been.
Until she'd washed poor Lambsy
On the very fastest spin.




Lambsy, shrunken and misshapen, all because Mary didn't know how to use her washing machine.


Comments

  1. Frances Garrood15/8/12 06:36

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Frances Garrood15/8/12 06:40

      Loved your little rhymes. Really cheered me up. I deleted the last post as I though better of my own (or rather, my brother's) rather risqué version. After all, I assume this is a family blog?

      Delete
    2. Fran Hill15/8/12 07:39

      Gosh, I have no idea whether it's a family blog or not. Hugh Hefner, are you reading this? But it's true, I tend not to go for obscenity, although my kids tell me that my not-a-mommy-blogger posts are well beyond the pale.

      Delete
  2. broken biro15/8/12 07:20

    Love 'em! These are even better than my previous fave (which needs speaking aloud):
    Mary had a little lamb
    His fleece was black as soot
    And everywhere that Mary went
    His sooty foot he put.

    Not sure who wrote that... perhaps the baaaaaaaa'ed

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill15/8/12 07:40

      That famous baaaaaaaard, Sheepspeare?

      Delete
  3. Anonymous15/8/12 07:52

    I love your reworked nursery rhymes & fairy tales! You should put them in a book!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill15/8/12 14:17

      Thanks, fishducky. One day my prints will come, as they say.

      Delete
  4. Steve15/8/12 10:08

    Perfectly un-PC. Like all the very best nursery rhymes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill15/8/12 14:18

      Even the originals seem to have some nasty little stories behind them!

      Delete
  5. stephen Hayes15/8/12 11:24

    You've updated this nursery rhyme perfectly. Very funny, and you've made my mouth water for lamb chops.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Martin15/8/12 14:28

    Brilliant! Reminds me of a variation I was told at primary school.

    Mary had a metal cow,
    She milked it with a spanner.
    Large cans for a shilling,
    Small ones for a tanner.

    Oh, those innocent days!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill16/8/12 00:39

      That rhyme is a little study in social history all by itself, is it not? The human milks the cow. Milk in cans. Shillings and tanners. Oh, how things change ...

      Delete
  7. Janie Junebug15/8/12 17:18

    Wonderfully funny! That crazy Mary.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill16/8/12 00:39

      I prefer her crazy than just wandering around being cute, followed by a lamb.

      Delete
  8. Chris Stovell16/8/12 00:55

    I do love it when you're silly... the only downside is that my own variations on your theme will now be demanding attention all day long!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill16/8/12 03:23

      Well, once they've won your attention, which they surely will, as being silly is irresistible, feel free to come back and post them!

      Delete
  9. Colette McCormick16/8/12 03:09

    Loved them. Thanks for cheering me up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill16/8/12 03:57

      You're welcome! Thanks for popping over.

      Delete
  10. hausfrau17/8/12 02:24

    Funny AND clever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/8/12 02:45

      You are very kind. Glad you liked the post.

      Delete
  11. BadPenny18/8/12 00:37

    What a giggle x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/8/12 02:46

      Giggles are essential. I prescribe at least 3 a day.

      Delete
  12. SmitoniusAndSonata19/8/12 09:32

    Thought of you as I cycled through fields full of mini-ewes , today . And then I thought of mint sauce ....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/8/12 02:47

      As long as you didn't shout, 'I like you in the field, but I prefer you in the OVEN.' Sheep are very sensitive to this kind of thing.

      Delete
  13. Stan19/8/12 09:48

    These are fine nonsense rhymes, Fran. I bet you could write a small book of them.

    I can't resist joining in:

    Mary had a little lamb-
    -orghini which she used
    To drive her favourite ram
    To whatever field he'd choose.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/8/12 02:48

      I think we should collaborate on the book. I love your use of the hyphen here. I like punctuation almost as much as I like writing silly poems.

      Delete
  14. Mel23/8/12 15:01

    Hahahaha, Oh Gosh! Forget the original. If I ever have kids, they will be hearing these instead! I hope they don't turn into aliens!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill25/8/12 02:51

      You might also like to read them my alternative fairy tales, Mel, in the 'Me adapting famous stories' section of the blog. I sincerely hope they don't turn into aliens as a result. Aliens are notorious for not eating their greens and, heavens, do we need any MORE problems with raising a new generation?

      Delete

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