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Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Evidence that even familiar, cosy little nursery rhymes can be mangled to perdition


I'm in the mood for a bit of silliness.  You are the unfortunate recipients of it.  I apologise in advance.





1.

Mary had a little lamb.
The midwife had a fit.
She, thinking it would be a child,
Had not expected it.
She glanced at Mary, wondering,
If Mary had a clue
That instead of having a mini-me
She'd had a mini-ewe?




2.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her husband paled with shock.
He'd always wanted kids,
But was less sure about a flock.


3.

Mary had a little lamb.
She had it with mint sauce.
And, contrary to what you'd think,
Felt nothing of remorse.
The following day, however,
She died of gas formation.
The moral?  Better stick to
Everybody's expectation.

4.

Mary had a little lamb.
Oh, where should I begin,
To tell the tragic story
Of what she did to him?
For, though, it was now little,
Once, massive it had been.
Until she'd washed poor Lambsy
On the very fastest spin.




Lambsy, shrunken and misshapen, all because Mary didn't know how to use her washing machine.


29 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Loved your little rhymes. Really cheered me up. I deleted the last post as I though better of my own (or rather, my brother's) rather risqué version. After all, I assume this is a family blog?

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    2. Gosh, I have no idea whether it's a family blog or not. Hugh Hefner, are you reading this? But it's true, I tend not to go for obscenity, although my kids tell me that my not-a-mommy-blogger posts are well beyond the pale.

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  2. Love 'em! These are even better than my previous fave (which needs speaking aloud):
    Mary had a little lamb
    His fleece was black as soot
    And everywhere that Mary went
    His sooty foot he put.

    Not sure who wrote that... perhaps the baaaaaaaa'ed

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    Replies
    1. That famous baaaaaaaard, Sheepspeare?

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  3. I love your reworked nursery rhymes & fairy tales! You should put them in a book!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, fishducky. One day my prints will come, as they say.

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  4. Perfectly un-PC. Like all the very best nursery rhymes.

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    Replies
    1. Even the originals seem to have some nasty little stories behind them!

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  5. You've updated this nursery rhyme perfectly. Very funny, and you've made my mouth water for lamb chops.

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    Replies
    1. Cover your ears, Lambsy!!

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  6. Brilliant! Reminds me of a variation I was told at primary school.

    Mary had a metal cow,
    She milked it with a spanner.
    Large cans for a shilling,
    Small ones for a tanner.

    Oh, those innocent days!

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    Replies
    1. That rhyme is a little study in social history all by itself, is it not? The human milks the cow. Milk in cans. Shillings and tanners. Oh, how things change ...

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  7. Wonderfully funny! That crazy Mary.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. I prefer her crazy than just wandering around being cute, followed by a lamb.

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  8. I do love it when you're silly... the only downside is that my own variations on your theme will now be demanding attention all day long!

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    Replies
    1. Well, once they've won your attention, which they surely will, as being silly is irresistible, feel free to come back and post them!

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  9. Loved them. Thanks for cheering me up.

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    Replies
    1. You're welcome! Thanks for popping over.

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  10. Replies
    1. You are very kind. Glad you liked the post.

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  11. Replies
    1. Giggles are essential. I prescribe at least 3 a day.

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  12. Thought of you as I cycled through fields full of mini-ewes , today . And then I thought of mint sauce ....

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    1. As long as you didn't shout, 'I like you in the field, but I prefer you in the OVEN.' Sheep are very sensitive to this kind of thing.

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  13. These are fine nonsense rhymes, Fran. I bet you could write a small book of them.

    I can't resist joining in:

    Mary had a little lamb-
    -orghini which she used
    To drive her favourite ram
    To whatever field he'd choose.

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    Replies
    1. I think we should collaborate on the book. I love your use of the hyphen here. I like punctuation almost as much as I like writing silly poems.

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  14. Hahahaha, Oh Gosh! Forget the original. If I ever have kids, they will be hearing these instead! I hope they don't turn into aliens!

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    1. You might also like to read them my alternative fairy tales, Mel, in the 'Me adapting famous stories' section of the blog. I sincerely hope they don't turn into aliens as a result. Aliens are notorious for not eating their greens and, heavens, do we need any MORE problems with raising a new generation?

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