Evidence that you can get any advice you want if you ask enough people

Yesterday, I competed in a local poetry slam in Leamington.  I reached the semi-finals, but didn't win.

S.L.A.M = She. Lost. And. Mourned.

The winner was another local poet, Craig Lambert, and I liked this poem he performed so much I asked him if I could post it here.  He said no, so I hit him with my handbag, poured a drink over his head, then pulled his chair away just as he was going to sit in it so that he landed on the floor in a heap.  Then he gave in.    

The poem's about how contradictory so many proverbs and sayings are in terms of the advice they give.  I like its linguistic angle on daily life and its humour.  Thanks, Craig, for giving in, and I'm sorry about the bruises.

Wise Words

You can't teach an old dog new tricks,
but it's never to late to learn;
so while your neighbour turns the other cheek,
as his incontinent spaniel craps on your lawn;
tell him you're simply adhering to the principle of an eye for an eye
as you jab his mutt in the face with a pitchfork.

And when your wife tells you to peel the potatoes
because many hands make light work,
remind her that too many cooks spoil the broth
as you crack open a can of Stella and settle down
to watch the footie. Although if absence
makes the heart grow fonder, why is she shouting?

What's good for the goose, is good for the gander,
unless the gander is eating another man's poison
rather than one man's meat. For even though birds of a feather
flock together, opposites attract; and anyway
you only married her for her cooking,
for the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Although she couldn't boil an egg without making an omelette.

Mum said look before you leap when I got engaged
but dad told me to strike while the iron is hot.
They grew to hate each other after twenty years
of swapping oxymorons over the dining table,
knowing full well that while the best things in life are free,
there's no such thing as a free lunch.

Forearmed is forewarned, but of course
it's easy to be wise after the divorce papers.
After all, the pen is mightier than the sword.
Yet sometimes I wonder if actions do speak
louder than words, if silence is golden,
or if the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today
is the latest maxim I'd like to adhere to;
but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
In the meantime, although every dog will have its day,
next door's dog will soon find out that in this life
you make your own luck.

Craig Lambert 2012


  1. You was cheated. You shoulda won.


    1. If I'd written this, I would have done!!

  2. Thanks Fran....I bought a tube of arnica for the bruises. They seem to be responding. Although the double fracture to my right forearm which you've conveniently not mentioned as part of your vicious unprovoked assault; will require major surgery. In fact, I'm having to get this typed by one of the infinite monkeys which lives in my head.

    And yes, you was cheated. You shoulda won.



    1. My lawyer says send us the bill for the arnica and we'll start from there.

  3. And many a true word is spoken in jest... :)

    1. I was trying to think of one that contradicts this but couldn't. Anyone?

  4. I want to know who decides what's the last (and therefore best) laugh.

    1. Is this a query about who was judging, or is it existential angst?

  5. "Wise Words" is a good poem to be sure, but I bet yours was good also. I'm sure you'll win next time.

  6. Congratulations, Craig. Sorry you didn't win, Fran. So what did you pick up, bronze or silver?

  7. like:-)
    thanks to Craig for sharing

    1. You're right - we need 'like' buttons on blogs. There probably are some. I just don't know about them ....

  8. A stitch in time would have made an easy rhyme.

    1. This is true. It would also have made a very short performance.

  9. Replies
    1. Cry? Cry? Blubbed like a baby! I had to give him my hanky. These poets ...


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran can now forgive the ironing board incident

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Evidence that overflowing Tupperware cupboards aren't the only problem later life brings