Thank you for your long letter. Congratulations on having waited all the way until September to send your Christmas requests. This is an improvement on previous years. I particularly remember 2009 when I received your list for that year at dawn on New Year's Day. I was woken by one of the elves banging on my bedroom door and yelling, 'Wake up! Wake up! There's a letter for you and it says on the front in big red letters, 'News about your enormous Lottery win!' It was a cheap trick to play, especially as, when I leaped out of bed, I put my hip out of joint and didn't recover fully until March (when I received your next letter asking when I was going to reply to the first one.)
Still, even though this year's is later than usual, your list is no less ambitious than previous ones. I thought I would write now to let you know that I do not have the following items in stock.
1. Magic pyjamas which guarantee successful Clooney dreams
2. A book called 'Eat Cake: Look Like a String Bean'
3. Sexy red sparkly shoes with 6 inch heels but in an extra-wide fitting for the older lady
4. A book called 'Look Glamorous in a Woolly Cardigan'
5. A sofa with an inbuilt massage system to tone your thighs while you watch TV
6. A book called 'Walking for Pleasure and other Oxymorons'
7. Mood-sensing bathroom scales which measure your state of mind and adjust accordingly
8. A book called 'Making Recipes with Lentils and Mung Beans Taste Like Chocolate Pudding'
9. A 'Build-Your-Own-Take-That' kit
10. A book called 'Good Reasons Never to Contact Santa: A Warning'.
Actually, as you'll notice, that last one was my own addition to your list. I do indeed have one copy of this book and I enclose it with this letter. The author is me and I have written it especially for you in the hope that it will convince you to LEAVE ME IN PEACE. My psychiatrist suggested I write it as a form of therapy and I must admit that I've enjoyed doing so. The chapter entitled 'Contract Killers Disguised as Friendly Reindeers' gave me special pleasure and is perhaps one you should take particular note of.
PS I am also returning the Harrods catalogue which you enclosed with your last letter. You are certainly a fan of the bright green highlighter pen. I am sorry your efforts have been in vain.
|Three whiskies, a fistful of Prozac and a yoga session|
were just not doing it for Santa after
receiving yet another letter from Fran
(Click the label 'Santa writes to me' to learn more of Fran's volatile relationship with Father Christmas.)