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Monday, 21 January 2013

Evidence that Fran would rather think up pedants' party games than get on with writing a real book

That's two lists that have amused me this week and I am going to inflict them on you.

I need someone in the novel I'm avoiding writing writing to be able to get into someone's house through the front door, then commit a murder, and get out again without any damage being done to the lock.  No, don't ask me why.  I'm not even sure of the facts myself yet.  And I'm wishing I'd decided to write a limerick instead.  I can do those.  Here's one.

There once was a writer called Fran
Who said to herself, 'Yes, I can!
I can write me a novel -
make publishers grovel -
And she started to draw up a plan.

You see?  That took me one minute flat.  This damn novel is going to take me until 2046.

Anyway, I googled, 'Can you pick a lock without damaging it?'

I only had to type 'Can you pick a lock without ....' and it knew the rest.  It seems like a popular search, alarmingly (ha ha - unintentional pun!) and took me to what I'm sure is a source of much misinformation very reputable page called wiki-how.....

Further digression: have you ever played the 'she said/he said' game, producing such puns?  (Such puns!  Inside joke for 'Miranda' fans.)  You never have?  People, what kind of parties are you GOING to?

The game is, you have to match the description of the speech to what the person said and make a pun, as in:

'But I'm still afraid a burglar might get in despite our precautions,' she said, alarmed.

'What do you mean, you can't finish the jigsaw?' he said, puzzled.

 Or like this ...

'What kind of wood should I get the new table made in?' she pined.

I can't think of any more.  (Martin, your turn.)  And anyway, I was telling you about the lock-picking.  Here are two of the things you need in order to be able to pick a lock, apparently.


  • A paper clip or similar object or a flat sided hairpin
  • a locked door
A locked door? Well, whaddya know?  SO SO helpful!  The whole webpage is a hoot.  Have a look if you're tired of flossing your dog's teeth and need a break.  And if the recession is really biting, it might even provide some handy tips.  You know you've always wanted your neighbour's lava lamps.   http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-a-Lock-With-Household-Items  


List 2.  Earlier in the week, we put a new blind up in the bathroom. With the instructions came a list of tools that were 'needed' but 'not supplied'.  Included in this list was 'step ladder'.

I said to my husband, 'You know, it's a good thing they mentioned this, because when I looked at the package the blind came in, I was hoping they'd included the stepladder, and it's a disappointment not to find one in here.'

You'd have thought the same, wouldn't you?






33 comments:

  1. OMG, I need to up my home security and I'm always disappointed when I open a light bulb box and find no stepladder. It's so inconsiderate of the manufacturers...

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    1. This is even more worrying, IP. Lockpicking is a SPORT now. I found this website ... http://toool.nl/Lockpicking
      We live in a crazy world.

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  2. I can't believe that box didn't hold a stepladder. How dare they not send you everything you've ever needed?

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Roller blind suppliers ain't what they used to be.

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    2. Ain't is a four-letter word. Now I'm quite disgusted by your filthy typing.

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  3. i keep spilling my coffee coz i cant help laughing while reading this post! you just made my day.

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    1. My sole aim is to cover the world in spilled coffee this way. Glad you're liking the posts.

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  4. I'm glad you don't live near me, or I may have to put the Rottweiler's teeth back in.

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    1. Ha ha! I am intrigued as to where you keep them, I have to say? In a giant mug of Steradent?

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  5. Given Health and Safety's concern for our wellbeing , they'd presumably have to provide someone to hold the ladder steady , too .

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    1. But of course. In fact, looking at the pig's ear we were making of putting up the blind, we could really have done with 3 or 4 others to help.

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  6. "Do not go gentle into that good night," she raged.

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    1. Oo er! Look at you all literary!

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  7. "Mine's a Pinot Noir," she w(h)ined, holding out her glass. (I do wish you wouldn't start this kind of thing...)

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    1. 'Oh, for heavens sake, get off your butt and buy me that pint,' she beer-ated him.

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    2. ....before whisk(ey) ing his bar stool from underneath him....

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    3. 'Oy! Watch my beer!' he said, mildly, pulling his jumper back down over his stout belly.

      Aren't these called something Tom Something's? It'll come to me...

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    4. Swifties! Tom Swifties!

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    5. I shall have to look that up now, to see why!

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  8. A professional lock pick would not damage the lock or even leave a mark. I researched this once.

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    1. Intriguing .... that explains your extensive collection of lava lamps.

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  9. Forget about picking locks, write more posts about the mythology surrounding sprites and elves, I imp-lore you!

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    1. Ha ha! I knew you'd think of one!

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    2. No! More burglaries, please - they're smash-in'

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  10. hey Fran, I think you’d make a mint composing limericks; why not have a go?
    Pedants’ party games too, they’d make a great stocking filler for next Christmas.

    PS: Have you tried picking a lock with your credit card? That’s how t’s done on TV.

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    1. Actually, you might be on to something there with the Pedants' Party Games. I wonder if there's a book ....

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  11. Yes it is. I was blind to "Your comment will be visible after approval." Doh!

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  12. He remembered that - as she fell from the ladder - her voice had rung out: "I knew I should have avoided that broken step."

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    1. Ha ha! That reminds me of a story I read about ladders produced in America which had a warning on the top rung saying, 'Stop here' - apparently someone had sued the ladder company because they'd not noticed the ladder end, had kept going, and fallen off a roof. Dur!

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  13. Joe's driving licence form instructed him to put his passport sized photo " face side up " You'd have thought they could have popped a civil servant in the envelope to help fill the form in.

    We used to play " He said / She said" thanks for reminding me, but it was a paper & pencil game called consequenses ...
    Joe Blogs ... then fold the paper over & pass it on ...
    met Jane Doe ...fold the paper over & pass it on...
    at the top of the Empire State building... fold the paper etc etc
    He said, " " fold the paper....Getting the idea ?
    She said, " "
    The consequenses were, ...

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    1. I can't beLIEVE that about the driving licence! Brilliant! We've got packets of nuts in our cupboard which say on them, 'Warning! May contain nuts'. You don't say.

      I love the consequences game. We often played that at Christmas (as long as I could convince the family it didn't technically count as a 'word game' which I was banned from suggesting ...

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  14. Yes, my favorite Tom Swifty is "You must come see my new electric poodle," he said dogmatically.

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    1. Brilliant! I've just looked some more up on Wiki and these are some of my favourites.
      "I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," said Tom succinctly.
      "I might as well be dead," Tom croaked.
      "They had to amputate them both at the ankles," said Tom defeatedly.

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