Monday, 4 March 2013

Reasons why going for a hospital appointment can be a great source of entertainment

Still on the subject of hospitals, although on a more light-hearted note, I was in the Outpatients Clinic today for an appointment, and heard this interaction between a nurse and a patient.

Patient: Could you tell me where I should go to get my bloods done, Nurse?
Nurse: (pointing) Yes, of course, sir.  You just follow the little red dots on the floor and you'll get to Phlebotomy.
Patient: Red dots?
Nurse: Yes, they're painted on the floor all along the corridor.  They'll lead you there.



Yes, I know.  You can't believe it either.



Here's how I think the conversation could have developed ....

Patient: Oh, thank you.  Well, after my bloods, I have an appointment with Urology.  Can you direct me there?

Nurse: Oh, you just follow the yellow line down that corridor there, then turn left.

Patient: Next week I'm coming with my wife to the Gynaecologist.  Where's that?

Nurse: Oh, that's just down this corridor opposite.  There's a  Fallopian tube drawn along the wall - follow that, and then turn left when the tube changes to little egg designs.  You'll see those developing into foetuses and then when you reach the big fat baby, you're there.  The consulting areas are labelled Womb 1, 2 and 3.

Patient: What about the skin consultant - Dermatology?  Can you tell me where that is?  I'm bringing a friend in a fortnight.  Someone said it's the corridor with the flower designs on the floor.

Nurse:  They're not flower designs.  That's ringworm.  Just follow the circles and you'll get to the skin clinic without a hitch.

Patient: I'm having terrible problems with my joints, so my doctor said he'd get me an appointment with the Rheumatologist.  Where's that?

Nurse: Ah, now that's where we make it really fun for you.  The route begins at the automatic doors, where you'll see some foot bones drawn on the floor.  Your job is to find the knee bones.  The knee bones are connected to the thigh bones.  The thigh bones are connected to the hip bones.  Carry on like that, and when you get to the door with the skull on it, that's the Rheumatologist.  Well, that's not the Rheumatologist; that's just the picture that's on his door.

Patient: Isn't that quite a long walk?

Nurse: The fun element will take your mind off the severe joint pain and decreased mobility, sir.  That's the whole idea.  It's called patient care.

Patient: I think I'd end up at the mortuary if I tried to do that walk.

Nurse: Well, if you do, and any of your relatives come to identify your body, they'll see that the tiles in that corridor are all rectangular and in a nice oak-brown wood design with a snazzy little brass handle etched into each one.

Patient: That will be a great comfort, I'm sure, to my grieving relatives.

Nurse: No problem, sir.  Reassuring patients is our aim.  This is the NHS, after all.

The hospital's Corridor Design Committee was studying options for
getting patients to Gastroenterology


31 comments:

  1. Now Fran, you seem to be veering back towards blog subjects that make squeamish people (eg me) a bit anxious about holding on to the meal they've just had.

    However, it was funny, I'll grant you.

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    1. You're squeamish? And you're still reading my blog after all this time? Ha ha!

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  2. Hahahah :) :) Good job I went to the loo (whose location I thankfully know as I live here) BEFORE I read your blog. A very entertaining read...:) :)

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    1. Glad you had a wee laugh.

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  3. Apparently scene of crime officers follow blood spatter patterns on walls to find murderers...

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    1. ... only to find it's just paint and they've wandered into the local hospital by mistake.

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  4. Yes, and also babies and wombs are becoming a touchy subject in our house just at the moment - as Daughter 1's baby stays firmly in position.

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  5. Lover this! And how about the trail of clues to the proctologist?

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  6. I've been spending time in the ER and hospitals lately and your post really brought a smile to my face. Thanks.

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    1. Sounds like you needed a smile, then. Glad you liked the post.

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  7. Presumably, Frances, it's at the bottom of the corridor ...

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  8. Outstanding! I especially like the rheumatologist.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. So do I, make no bones about it.

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  9. Access to the Gastroenterology Dept almost always involves travelling along a poorly lit passage.

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    1. That is outRAGeous, Martin! Oh yuk yuk yuk. (But funny.)

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  10. You couldn't make it up! Well you could, and you do so very well. My brother was once commissioned to produce a piece of sculpture for the new Calderdale Hospital and he came up with a rather tasteful full-sized sculpture of a woman. The Hospital Committee refused to accept it on the grounds that it was too life-like and it might scare the patients.

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    1. As opposed to the large metal instruments, needles and scary white coats, I suppose ...

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  11. Brilliant as ever Fran! Loved this post.

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    1. Thanks, Frances, for such a nice comment.

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  12. Replies
    1. Thanks, Fiona. I'm glad people got that joke - I wasn't sure ....

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  13. Very clever....and funny too......and if that is Warwick you visited then I know it too well.... taking my blind ma there very regularly can be quite interesting as we go from one section to another!

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    1. It is indeed Warwick! Are you local to me, then? I see on your blog it says Midlands.

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  14. Thanks for this says she whom waited with her daughter at both the dermatology dept & blood testing this week !
    On my way to the village, I pass a large bone disguarded on the pavement - I don't know whether to call the Police or give it to my dog & do the Hokey Cokey !

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    1. Someone in your village is going to be limping badly, then.

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  15. Womb 1,2 and 3! VERY witty, Fran.

    Anna May x

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    1. I was pretty pleased when I conceived that idea.

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  16. This must join the list of things that you couldn't make up as no one would believe it.

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