Reasons to avoid Warwickshire roads

If you were driving along a country lane in Warwickshire today and saw a woman in a blue top kicking off her sandal into the middle of the road just as you were approaching, so that you had to brake while she hopped into the road to retrieve it, she's very sorry.

She thought there was a wasp in it.  She didn't mean to kick it so far.  As she was walking along, she could swear she'd felt something dive in between the sole of her foot and the sandal and, rather than getting stung, she tried just flipping the sandal off.  But instead of flipping, it flew like a missile, right into the centre of the road.

I don't know what you thought she was doing, driver.  It must have looked very strange.  Normally you have to stop for groups of teenagers who've lost control of their ball, or perhaps for a lazy cat making its way casually across, or for an old lady with a stick.  Women flinging their shoes into the road probably don't figure that often in your driving day.

Tracey was practising her emergency stops, just in case she saw that woman
in the blue top again.

Don't worry, though.  This kind of behaviour is normal for this particular woman.  She is a walking blush, in fact.  You want more examples?  How long do you have?

Last week, she went to the hairdressers and said, 'I seem to have so much more hair on one side of my head than the other.'  The hairdresser explained that this was the normal result of having a side parting.

Also last week, she claimed confidently that she knew the way from her church to a friend's house where a barbecue was being held, and offered to lead someone there - a dad who had a tired 4 year old in tow.  The walk should have taken three minutes.  Fifteen minutes later, after a detour around the local roads, they all arrived, with the 4 year old dragging his little feet and rubbing his eyes.

She also claimed to know someone who lived in Alicante, Italy, until it was pointed out to her that only Spain had an Alicante.  (She spent most of her Geography lessons outside the classroom door, looking in.)

So, if you see this same woman again, walking along the road, treat her with caution, as you might a ticking bomb or a growling tiger.  She is to embarrassing situations what Andrew Murray is to the British tennis scene - a gift.