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Monday, 8 July 2013

Reasons to avoid Warwickshire roads

If you were driving along a country lane in Warwickshire today and saw a woman in a blue top kicking off her sandal into the middle of the road just as you were approaching, so that you had to brake while she hopped into the road to retrieve it, she's very sorry.

She thought there was a wasp in it.  She didn't mean to kick it so far.  As she was walking along, she could swear she'd felt something dive in between the sole of her foot and the sandal and, rather than getting stung, she tried just flipping the sandal off.  But instead of flipping, it flew like a missile, right into the centre of the road.

I don't know what you thought she was doing, driver.  It must have looked very strange.  Normally you have to stop for groups of teenagers who've lost control of their ball, or perhaps for a lazy cat making its way casually across, or for an old lady with a stick.  Women flinging their shoes into the road probably don't figure that often in your driving day.

Tracey was practising her emergency stops, just in case she saw that woman
in the blue top again.


Don't worry, though.  This kind of behaviour is normal for this particular woman.  She is a walking blush, in fact.  You want more examples?  How long do you have?

Last week, she went to the hairdressers and said, 'I seem to have so much more hair on one side of my head than the other.'  The hairdresser explained that this was the normal result of having a side parting.

Also last week, she claimed confidently that she knew the way from her church to a friend's house where a barbecue was being held, and offered to lead someone there - a dad who had a tired 4 year old in tow.  The walk should have taken three minutes.  Fifteen minutes later, after a detour around the local roads, they all arrived, with the 4 year old dragging his little feet and rubbing his eyes.

She also claimed to know someone who lived in Alicante, Italy, until it was pointed out to her that only Spain had an Alicante.  (She spent most of her Geography lessons outside the classroom door, looking in.)

So, if you see this same woman again, walking along the road, treat her with caution, as you might a ticking bomb or a growling tiger.  She is to embarrassing situations what Andrew Murray is to the British tennis scene - a gift.










28 comments:

  1. Is this the same woman who states "I can't find my glasses." (They're on her head) "I can't find my car keys," (They're in her hand)and asks, "Can the crowd at Wimbledon hear the commentary?"

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    1. Yep, that's her. You know her too?!

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    2. I think I am closely related!

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  2. Do you think that this sort of thing ever happens to the Queen ?

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    1. I really really hope so. One day maybe when Kate's kiddy is the King/Queen, she'll sit down and write her memoirs, and they will actually sound so like my blog that people will struggle to tell the difference between us.

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  3. I try and never judge anyone too harshly, but this is certainly a taxing situation.

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    1. Your reticence to slap judgement on me is appreciated .... but I can hear you struggling!

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  4. What do you do if you get ants in your pants?

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  5. The woman is you Fran, admit it. I'm sure I've seen you walking along the road in a blue top and sandals. I know I live a long way away but I do have Google Earth.

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    Replies
    1. Ha ha! Nooooo! What else have you seen?

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  6. Much like Steve, I was thinking that at least it wasn't your blue top that you threw into the middle of the road.

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    1. Believe me, if I think there's a wasp in there, it's coming off.

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    2. I shall look out for you on YouTube.

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  7. We were always told the wasp was more scared than we were - clearly this cannot be true.

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    1. If they'd do me the favour of LOOKING more scared, I'd believe this. But they look fine - pretty calm, in fact, about stinging people.

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    2. Even imaginary wasps?

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  8. Hausfrau, in this instance the wasp was probably very scared having been hurled into the path of a speeding car.....
    Anna May x

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  9. In this instance the wasp must have been very scared - having been hurled into the path of a speeding car.....
    Anna May x

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    1. Wasps can cope with this sort of thing. They go round inflicting violence on people, for goodness' sake.

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  10. Yes I know what you mean. Embarrassing situations and I tend to go together - like Andy Murray and Mints.

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  11. A few weeks ago while dog walking in the woods with a friend, my dog & a random spaniel had a bit of a growly snarly stand off. Random spaniels' humans glared at me in a very accusing way so my friend & I turned & took a different path. ( It takes two dogs to have a growly snarly stand off surely ? )

    We got to the big field which we cross to get to the gate & saw random spaniel & humans at the other end of the field. They made a big thing about stopping, staring at us & putting random spaniel on his lead.

    So I made a big gesture of putting my dog on his lead ( the bugger wouldn't come to my call )

    Random spaniel & humans waited for us to cross the field.

    As we got to the gate my friend started hooping & hollering & dancing a little jig which resembled a rain dance exclaiming
    " I've been stung by a bee ! "

    She flicked off her sandal still hopping around & then I examined her foot.

    The whole thing took a few minutes while random spaniel & humans looked on with me looking at them with a pained expression,

    " We didn't do it on purpose... honest ! "

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    1. I love the idea of a random spaniel.

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  12. PS I love reading your comments almost as much as I love reading your posts and...
    I HATE WASPS !!!

    I was stung on my eyelid as a child.

    My cousin found a wasps' nest in her garden & poked it with a small plastic picnic knife...the wasps went mad... one landed on her dress and she went mad !
    My big brother flicked it off her dress ... and it flew off... straight to me and stung me !

    I've never forgotten.

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    1. I WINCED when I read 'eyelid'. Not nice! One of those moments you'd remember for ever ...

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  13. You may have embarrassing interludes but they're fabulously blog-worthy material and brighten all of our lives no end. Great post :) :)

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    1. Thanks, Still. And I don't know about 'embarrassing interludes'. I think the non-embarrassing moments are the interludes.

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