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Thursday, 29 August 2013

Reasons why Fran got home from holiday but immediately had to go out again

So, we left Malvern, and said goodbye to the beautifully decorated holiday house with the symmetrically-arranged glassware in the cupboards and impeccably laid-out kitchen tools described a few days ago in this post here.  Here's a reminder of what the kitchen drawer looked like when we got there last Thursday.





I did my best to leave it as I'd found it.









Joke.  I found that picture on the Internet.


We'd even got a little fond of the Monster Lamp, in a Stockholm Syndrome kind of way.

We came home at midday to a house full of plaster dust and littered with tools and a man in our hall who said, 'Oh dear.  I thought you were coming home a bit later than this.'  It was our landlord, come to do some repairs.

We've had a leak from our shower-over-the-bath for months, resulting in a collapse of the masonry underneath the bathroom and a hole in our hall's ceiling, just below the bath.  'Will the bath fall through the ceiling in that state?' I kept asking my husband.  'I think I might have put on a pound or two over the summer holidays.'

'No,' he kept replying, reassuringly.  'I think it's held up by some kind of joist thingy support wotsit arrangement.'

I've been cutting down on cake and biscuits climbing into the bath for my showers very gingerly.

What else to do, with a man blocking the stairs, and dust everywhere, but dump our suitcases in the living room, go straight back out again and head to the pub for lunch?  I had fish and chips with minted mushy peas and my husband had sausage and mash.  We know how to party.

'Embarrassing moment of the day' alert ....

After the fish and chips, I was still extremely hungry as greedy as a slot machine, and asked my husband to enquire what desserts they served.  He went up to the bar, obediently.  Here is the conversation:

'My wife would like to know if you have any desserts on the menu.'  Said my husband.
'Oh, we only do icecreams in a cone.  We don't have any other desserts.'  Said a very slim, blonde barmaid.
'Oh.'  Said my husband.
'Well, we don't usually get many people asking for puddings.  So we took them off the menu.'  Said the other very slim, blonde barmaid.
'No, no one ever asked for puddings much.'  Said her very slim, blonde colleague.
All three of them looked over in my direction.  I pretended to read my paper.


I will finish by telling you something else funny about the holiday home.  In the bedside drawers were two wind-up torches.  I really, really wanted to shine one of these into my husband's face and say, 'If I shine this torch at you, you will turn into a WILDEBEEST!' and then say, 'Ha ha.  Only a wind up.'

I didn't.  As you can imagine, my husband has quite enough to cope with.



24 comments:

  1. I like to shout LUMINOS and turn on a torch (flashlight to me). That messed up drawer is upsetting me tremendously. If I'd found that mess in my house, I wouldn't have gone to the pub for food. I would have gotten shit-faced. Oh, shame on me.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. The messed up drawer has upset a couple of people. I've had to add an extra bit to the post to reassure you all I didn't really do that.

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  2. No one ever asked for puddings? No one ever asked for puddings? In an eateries that sells fish and chips?!?! Sounds like the place had an identity crisis. Having a decent pudding is the main joy of eating out.

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    1. I thought so, too. In fact, I thought my fish and chips had been really yummy, but when I wasn't allowed a pudding, I remembered them to be distinctly average.

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  3. You seem to have ADDED utensils to that drawer! And did you have the ice cream?

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    1. See my comment to poor Janie about the drawer. And, in terms of whether I had the ice cream, what do you think?....

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    2. No worries. It was nice to think that, for a moment there, someone believed I wouldn't have eaten the ice cream.

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  4. It's good to see you being so considerate of your husband.

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    1. I do my best. He's put up with it for 32 years now so it can't be doing him too much damage.

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  5. Sounds like you need to find a new pub - you could turn it into a new research project.

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  6. Never trust anyone (especially two skinny barmaids) who think pudding isn't a necessity. I'd have to reconsider a pub that had removed it from the menu.

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    1. I honestly thought these kinds of ideas had died out, didn't you?

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  7. Perhaps they think fish n chips doubles up as both main AND pudding... put lemon & sugar on the batter & imagine you have a pancake ?

    I could do with a windup torch between one & four am to creep around the house during my awake but not wanting to be awake hours.

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    1. Ah, you're right. There WAS a lemon! And, now I think of it, mushy peas used to be called pease PUDDING. So, that explains everything.

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  8. Man walks into a restaurant and cries, "Fish 'n' chips, twice."
    The waiter replies, "I heard you the first time!"

    I'll get me coat.

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    1. Keep your coat on. I'm a sucker for terrible jokes. My favourite one about fish and chips is 'Man walks into fish and chip shop and says 'Can I have steak and kiddly pie and chips, please?' The assistant says, 'Don't you mean steak and kidney?' The customer says, 'I said that, diddle I?'

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  9. Well. Everyone knows that the main point of a meal out is the pudding. Sheesh.

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    1. I thought so, too. Alas, it is not the case. Some people just haven't been educated properly.

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  10. PS... we had a bath like that sinking in alarming fashion into the floorboards & nearly in the porch below. Every bath held the fear of landing on Dillon the dog whose bed was directly underneath. Gives a whole new meaning to sharing bath water !

    I live in hope of finding a builder doing something in my house... seems they can not be had for love nor money in my village and so we live with water marks growing up the lounge wall. ( I feel a water feature coming on ! )

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    1. Water marks are this year's new posh wallpaper design. William Morris is SO last year. Relax.

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  11. Haha :) I like "as greedy as a slot machine". (You and me both. I've just eaten 5 chocolate fingers and a Breakaway) A risible read. Not sure if that actually means what I want it to! (It made me laugh) :) :)

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    1. Ha ha. Risible is one of those words that seems to be used in both positive (it made me laugh) ways and negative (you must be mad if you think this is funny). So, thanks for explaining which one it was!

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