Reasons why Fran got home from holiday but immediately had to go out again
I did my best to leave it as I'd found it.
Joke. I found that picture on the Internet.
We'd even got a little fond of the Monster Lamp, in a Stockholm Syndrome kind of way.
We came home at midday to a house full of plaster dust and littered with tools and a man in our hall who said, 'Oh dear. I thought you were coming home a bit later than this.' It was our landlord, come to do some repairs.
We've had a leak from our shower-over-the-bath for months, resulting in a collapse of the masonry underneath the bathroom and a hole in our hall's ceiling, just below the bath. 'Will the bath fall through the ceiling in that state?' I kept asking my husband. 'I think I might have put on a pound or two over the summer holidays.'
'No,' he kept replying, reassuringly. 'I think it's held up by some kind of joist thingy support wotsit arrangement.'
What else to do, with a man blocking the stairs, and dust everywhere, but dump our suitcases in the living room, go straight back out again and head to the pub for lunch? I had fish and chips with minted mushy peas and my husband had sausage and mash. We know how to party.
'Embarrassing moment of the day' alert ....
After the fish and chips, I was
'My wife would like to know if you have any desserts on the menu.' Said my husband.
'Oh, we only do icecreams in a cone. We don't have any other desserts.' Said a very slim, blonde barmaid.
'Oh.' Said my husband.
'Well, we don't usually get many people asking for puddings. So we took them off the menu.' Said the other very slim, blonde barmaid.
'No, no one ever asked for puddings much.' Said her very slim, blonde colleague.
All three of them looked over in my direction. I pretended to read my paper.
I will finish by telling you something else funny about the holiday home. In the bedside drawers were two wind-up torches. I really, really wanted to shine one of these into my husband's face and say, 'If I shine this torch at you, you will turn into a WILDEBEEST!' and then say, 'Ha ha. Only a wind up.'
I didn't. As you can imagine, my husband has quite enough to cope with.