Friday, 20 September 2013
Evidence that not all junk mail ends up in the recycling at Fran's house
I received a catalogue in the junk mail this morning.
There used to be a fabulous catalogue called 'Innovations' which offered must-have products such as nose hair clippers, pegs to keep your wellies together, triangles of cloth to hide a cleavage with, and bits of elastic in case your bra has got too small and you need to extend the strap. I'd love to be the copywriter who has to make these products sound like The Thing You Needed But Just Didn't Know It. I suspect it takes a certain skill. Maybe it's the kind of job spin doctors could do in retirement, as they'll have had plenty of practice with the silk-purse-sow's ear dilemma.
Now available! Our new 'Toe-Counting Stick'. You know how, when you wake up in the morning, the first thing you think is, 'I hope none of my toes have disappeared in the night!' How tiresome it is to have to stretch down to count them with your fingers, just to make sure! Well, with our handy, long, ergonomically-designed Toe-Counting Stick, you can rest assured that we, at Innovations, anticipate your every need. And we've had our inventors at work on this one for years. We're not called 'Innovations' for nothing!
Shaped like a twig, and with authentic-looking leaf and thorns attached, for a 'natural' feel, our Toe-Counting Stick, available now for only £123.99, can just be left propped by your bedside, ready for your morning toe-count. Wait until your friends see it. They will be so toe-tally jealous!
Anyway, apart from my opening sentence, that wasn't what I was going to write at all. I get so carried away.
The catalogue we received this morning was from 'Britain's finest publisher of countryside books'. Some of the titles are to die for. I can't wait to order. Who needs thrillers when you could lose yourself in one of these?
Mushrooming with Confidence
Beginner's Guide to Fly-tying
The Complete Illustrated Directory of Salmon Flies
The Secret Carp (which should have been the title of my 'Fishing' story in the previous blog post)
Confessions of a Carp Fisher (ditto, even more so)
Manual of a Traditional Bacon Curer (you can also get 'Adventures of a Bacon Curer' and 'Secrets of a Bacon Curer)
and, in an odd change of tone ....
Make Your Own Aphrodisiacs
There's also one which sounds as 'British countryside' as a penguin. It's called 'How to Watch a Bullfight'. I think someone's slipped that one in as a joke.
No doubt I shall get narky comments from some of you country folk, who have only just put down your copy of 'Secret Confessions of a Beginner Mushroomer' to go and shoot a grouse or pick some rushes to knit a cardigan with.