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Sunday, 29 September 2013

Reasons why Fran leaves it as long as possible before getting her hair trimmed

I sent the following short 'Rant' article to The Oldie magazine, which is one of those publications that has lots of adverts in it for Tena pads and stairlifts.  You know the ones.  And if you don't, you will, one day.

Anyway, they sent it straight back, saying it wasn't quite right for them, and they wished me luck with placing it elsewhere.

So, rather than suffer further rejection, I am taking the easy way out, and placing it here, which is called 'making your own luck'.  It doesn't pay as well, but it means you get instant publication. 


Why are ladies' hairdressers so young?

Next year, I’m booking a holiday in Ibiza.  Do I know what Ibiza's like?  No.  Do I really want to go?  Not at all.  In fact, I want a holiday in Ibiza like I want to bathe in a tub of mealworm. 

But I have to do something so I don’t feel so Biblically old in the hair salon while a twelve year old cuts my greying hair and asks, ‘Doing anything nice for your holiday?’  I can see her reaction in the mirror when I admit I’ve booked a country cottage in Ambleside with Gentle Rentals and ‘can’t wait for the cream teas’.  Her face drops (though at least, for her, that’s temporary) and she says, ‘That sounds lovely’.  What she means is, ‘I’d rather a week in Guantanamo Bay.’

Why aren’t there any hairdressers over fifty?  Is it just about the collapsed leg veins? - because I’d be happy to pay extra so my stylist could get them sorted on BUPA.  Visits to a salon staffed with rake-like, glossy-haired teens do nothing for my self-esteem.  There’s something about the way they look at me, as if thinking, ‘Why is she bothering with a trim?  Surely this time next week she’ll be embalmed.’

I need a hairdresser more my age, so she’ll understand why a hot flush in your hall really can make you twenty minutes late for an appointment.  I need one who massages her hip occasionally and goes ‘Ooh!’ so that when I go ‘Aah!’ as I stand up, she won’t offer to call an ambulance.  I need one with upper lip hair so she won’t laugh in Starbucks later with her friends, saying, ‘I swear the old hag had more growth on that lip than I’d just cut off her fringe!’  

And I demand the return of the net curtains.  They may be old-fashioned, but I want a private perm.  If I’d wanted to provide light entertainment for locals, I would do amateur dramatics. 
   

Right.  Where’s that Ibiza brochure?





Fran left it as long as she could between visits to the salon, and in the meantime, wore
a most attractive headscarf which she thought flattered her facial features tremendously
  

28 comments:

  1. I don't know why they rejected this fun and spirited article from you. Maybe that magazine is too stuffy? In any event, I enjoyed it.

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    1. Thanks, Stephen. I am very happy to take your suggestion as to the reason they rejected me. That suits me fine.

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  2. Love your picture, you sweet young thing, you!!

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  3. Weirdly most of the male barbers I go to are the other way inclined... by which I mean they had their heyday in the 50s and are now most definitely oldies. This has a downside in that they only style they really understand is "short, back and sides". And this is what they give their patrons no matter what they ask for.

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    1. Steve, I think barbers last longer somehow. Not sure why.

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    2. Yes, you're right, Steve! That's so weird. Most barbers do actually look much older. Maybe I'll start going to a barber instead, and just put up with the short back and sides. I never wanted to be the L'Oreal girl anyway.

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  4. Been to Ambleside three times and must say the cream teas are great.

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    1. We went to Grasmere last year and they were pretty good there, too. I don't think young people understand the true value of the cream tea.

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  5. Never mind , once you're really old , you'll be able to have your hair done on Pensioners Cutprice Afternoon . Nice sensible hairdos for all . Well , the same sensible hairdo for all ( think HRH ) actually , and it'll last the week .

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    1. I am so looking forward to my blue rinse.

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  6. I've wondered the same myself and then thanked my lucky stars I chose a different career path since obviously all hairdressers over 30 are prodded onto busses in the dead of night and shuttled off to some un-named spot never to return.

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    1. I will happily join in with the prodding if help is needed.

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  7. I did post a comment (as well as the one above), but not sure whether it went or not. The 'visible after approval' thing may or may not have snatched it away.

    The other problem with 'visible after approval' is there's no room for regret and instant deletion before causing offence....

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    1. Offend away, Frances. I'm used to it. I'm a teacher, remember.

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  8. I went to Ibiza a few years back and it was one of the quietest holidays I've ever had. Portinaxt, on the far north side, is a bit like Ambleside!

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    1. Then Portinaxt is where I'll go. Are there shortbread shops?

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  9. I get The Oldie and I think they were right in a way. Your article is funnier than those they print.

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  10. Would it help if the hairdresser offered you a cream tea ?

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    1. Only if she joined in. One so hates to be seen snaffling a mile-high scone by the young and slim.

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  11. Sam, who cares for my golden tresses, is young, but does not look downcast at my boring antics. I'm concerned about young doctors. I don't want a surgeon who is eight.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I don't want a surgeon at all. But, yes, if I had to have one, I'd rather they had gone through puberty, at least.

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  12. As I've been cutting my own hair since I was a teenager, I can guarantee I've never been faced with the problem of the scissor-wielder looking younger than me! Hehehe!

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    1. That is a very good solution to the problem! I would consider it, if I knew the first thing about how to cut hair. I suspect the results would have me rushing to the hairdressers for rescue no matter how young they were.

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  13. Hi, I'm river, I found you via fishducky.
    I put off going to the hairdresser as long as possible too, mostly because bending back into the washbasin hurts the arthritis portion of my neck. and because it is always a shock to see the whole of my face after weeks and weeks of seeing only the bits the hair hasn't been hanging in front of.
    I agree about the net curtains, if I'm to be an exhibit for passers by, then I should get paid.

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    1. You are SO right about the 'sudden mirror experience'. And about the net curtains. Surely there's some campaign going we can join? There must be others. Thanks for visiting, River. Nice to have you here.

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  14. I go to a barbers called 'Just 4 Men', in Wirral, but I've only ever seen three women styling/cutting the hair. Can anyone explain this apparent incongruity?

    Confused of Wallasey.

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