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Sunday, 20 October 2013

Evidence that after watching Downton, Fran gets all aspirational

I am just a little teeny-weeny bit addicted to Downton Abbey and have been thinking about what it would be like to swap my life for theirs ....

I want to be a toff

I want to be a toff in Downton Abbey.
I want to taste life in the upper class.
I want to dress for dinner and eat eight course meals.  One gets so
fed up with printing vouchers off for Pizza Hut and Prezzo.
I’d wear silken knickers if in the upper class
though I’d need a mile of silk to stretch around my ... nether regions. 

I want to go to balls in golden slippers.
I want to sweep across a polished floor.
I want to wear white gloves. I want to waltz, and drink champagne
instead of watching Strictly with some hotted up chow mein.
I'd dance ‘till dawn just sweeping across that polished floor
and with Deep Heat on my knees, I’d manage it, I’m sure.

I want a chauffeur to say ‘Ma’am’ and take me
to Harrods in a newly-polished Rolls.
He’d wait outside the store and sneer at every traffic warden.
No sweaty bus rides spoiled by snotty toddlers mad with boredom.
I’d have a smooth, smooth ride, gliding in a Rolls,
clutching tightly to my bucket (I’ve been travel sick of old).

I’d love to ring a bell, like Downton Abbey,
and have a maid bring in some cakes and tea.
I want a tiered stand piled high with buttered toasted teacake
instead of eating Tesco blue stripe down to 30p cake.
I want to ring a bell for seconds - thirds - of cakes and tea
and when I get to thirty stone they’ll bring the bell to me.

I want maids, like in Downton, who would help me
put diamonds on and dress me up for dinner.
I’d say, ‘Mildred, do the buttons on my sparkling ballgown.’
No wrestling with the zip of a cheap dress until I fall down.
I’ll wow them all at dinner with my dress – its perfect fit -
then pick at bits of lettuce so my corset doesn’t split.

It all sounds so ideal, does Downton Abbey.
The chandeliers.  A candelabra.
But I think there’d be downsides to a Downton life of bliss
(I am to elegance what Botox is to Maggie Smith.)
So although I’d like the chandeliers, the candelabra,
I’ll settle for my terraced house in down-town Leamington Spa.



'If only Fran were here,' thought Rose, bored with yet another teatime conversation
about farm tenants, 'things might liven up a bit.'



22 comments:

  1. Excellent! But..

    I'd rather be an Archer
    With a big bucolic smile;
    Though if I had to milk a cow
    You'd see me run a mile.

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    1. Yes! That's an udder show I like, too.

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    2. Groan. Or perhaps mooooooan.

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  2. I didn't watch Downton Abbey, but I've read a few of the Upstairs Downstairs type novels. I often wanted to be rich like the upstairs crowd, but didn't want to have their obligations. All those balls, dinners and calling cards for visiting and if someone visited you, you had to return the visit. There were such rigid rules. Mind you, the Downstairs people didn't have such fantastic lives either, always at the beck and call of the upper lot.

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    1. I think I could probably take the dinners, and the cocktails, and the being waited on. You're right, though. There are disadvantages.

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  3. Just what I needed to brighten up this rainy day, Fran. I think the makers of Downton should enlist your services, and turn it into a real comedy.

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    1. I would happily take on the challenge to rehash it as 'Even Lower Down-ton' or something like that.

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  4. Hope it went well, by they way. I assume you recited your poem? I'm sure they loved it!

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    1. Actually, I didn't do that one. Another time, I will.

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    2. Another time. Oh, you glutton for punishment....

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  5. I loved the first series of Downton but the current one seems to be struggling a bit. I won't stop watching it though, just in case I miss one of those wonderful Maggie Smith scenes.
    Not sure if I'd want to be one of the toffs. My grandmother was 'in service' in a big house and although she had to work hard she still found time to 'have some larks' as she put it!

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    1. Yes, it alternates between over-dramatic and a bit tedious, but I still love it. And, as you say, Maggie's lines are always worth waiting for.

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  6. We never miss Downton Abbey and it's like I've always said," The past would be fun to live in if you had buckets of money. Being poor back then would make for a short and difficult life."

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  7. I love DA. We don't get the next season (current for you) until January. I don't want to live their lives. I'd just like to try it out for a while and then bring the diamonds and the cakes home with me. Thank you for an outstanding poem.

    Love,
    Janie, who sobbed when Lady Sybil died

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    1. Thanks, janie! I love your new sextuple-barrelled surname, by the way.

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  8. I wouldn't mind being a Ladies' maid if it included marrying the uber sexy Mr Bates... what IS it about that man ? You can keep the younger ones !

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  9. Your take on joining the Downton family and eating 8 course meals, ringing a bell for a maid and have a chauffeur is so funny.

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    1. Thanks, Terra. I'd be happy with any one of those three, to be honest. It would be an improvement on the current situation.

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  10. Wonderful. Better to stay out of that posh lot - they all either died in the trenches or got strung up during the general strike.

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    1. I'm glad you're around to bring me back to reality!

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