Reasons why Fran might be buying a dog, a ride-on lawn mower, and an Open University course in mining
I just looked up a 'calorie burning activity' chart to see how to burn off the nine zillion trillion calories I have consumed over the Christmas holidays.
According to the chart, which tells you how many calories you would burn off in an hour, I don't have to do any of those boringly traditional activities like running or playing tennis. There are so many other exciting options listed that hadn't even crossed my mind.
Bagging grass burns off 327 calories. It just seems an unusual activity. You can't just say, 'Oh, I think I'll go and bag some grass' like you can say 'Oh, I think I'll go out for a quick run.' Presumably, one has to mow a lawn first, and if I've mown a lawn, I want a packet of Bourbons and a nap, not an hour grass-bagging.
Bakery (light effort) burns off 204, but the figure for 'heavy effort baking' is not supplied. I'm not sure of the difference either. Is light effort baking making small, delicate buns, and heavy effort baking large triple-tier fruit cakes? Or is heavy effort baking when you cook small, delicate buns when you would rather have watched the Eastenders Omnibus?
Bathing a dog burns off 286. I would burn off quite a few more, presumably, by having to go and buy a dog in the first place and take it for a walk in the mud before it needed bathing. This sounds like a lot of hard work.
Birdwatching burns off 204. Er ... how? I thought you had to sit very still to be a birdwatcher and if sitting still burns off 204 calories per hour, I should be as thin as string by now.
Coal mining (general) burns off 490. The figure for 'specific' coal mining is not supplied.
Fishing from boat, while sitting, burns 304. Fishing from riverbank, while standing, burns 286. However, fishing from a riverbank, while walking, burns off 327 (and results in very few catches, I would imagine).
Hunting large game, 490. (Our old Monopoly board is getting quite tatty - I'll bear this one in mind.)
Loading and unloading a car, 245. Why would you do this, unless it was one of those tricky family holiday moments when everyone moans so much about going to Bridlington for yet another year that Dad says, 'Right, that's it. You can all bloody well stay at home, you ungrateful curs!' and starts taking out all the cases and leaving them on the lawn.
Mowing lawn while riding mower, 204. See birdwatching, above.
Pushing plane in and out of hanger, 490. I'm so glad about this one, because I push planes in and out of hangars every Saturday morning, and I was hoping it was doing me some good.
Sky diving, 245. (However, if attempt unsuccessful, resultant calorie loss is somewhat worthless.)
Working in steel mill, 654. A career move worth considering, especially as the figures for 'teaching teenagers how to use a comma properly' are not listed
According to the chart, which tells you how many calories you would burn off in an hour, I don't have to do any of those boringly traditional activities like running or playing tennis. There are so many other exciting options listed that hadn't even crossed my mind.
Bagging grass burns off 327 calories. It just seems an unusual activity. You can't just say, 'Oh, I think I'll go and bag some grass' like you can say 'Oh, I think I'll go out for a quick run.' Presumably, one has to mow a lawn first, and if I've mown a lawn, I want a packet of Bourbons and a nap, not an hour grass-bagging.
Bakery (light effort) burns off 204, but the figure for 'heavy effort baking' is not supplied. I'm not sure of the difference either. Is light effort baking making small, delicate buns, and heavy effort baking large triple-tier fruit cakes? Or is heavy effort baking when you cook small, delicate buns when you would rather have watched the Eastenders Omnibus?
Bathing a dog burns off 286. I would burn off quite a few more, presumably, by having to go and buy a dog in the first place and take it for a walk in the mud before it needed bathing. This sounds like a lot of hard work.
Birdwatching burns off 204. Er ... how? I thought you had to sit very still to be a birdwatcher and if sitting still burns off 204 calories per hour, I should be as thin as string by now.
Coal mining (general) burns off 490. The figure for 'specific' coal mining is not supplied.
Fishing from boat, while sitting, burns 304. Fishing from riverbank, while standing, burns 286. However, fishing from a riverbank, while walking, burns off 327 (and results in very few catches, I would imagine).
Hunting large game, 490. (Our old Monopoly board is getting quite tatty - I'll bear this one in mind.)
Loading and unloading a car, 245. Why would you do this, unless it was one of those tricky family holiday moments when everyone moans so much about going to Bridlington for yet another year that Dad says, 'Right, that's it. You can all bloody well stay at home, you ungrateful curs!' and starts taking out all the cases and leaving them on the lawn.
Mowing lawn while riding mower, 204. See birdwatching, above.
Pushing plane in and out of hanger, 490. I'm so glad about this one, because I push planes in and out of hangars every Saturday morning, and I was hoping it was doing me some good.
Sky diving, 245. (However, if attempt unsuccessful, resultant calorie loss is somewhat worthless.)
Working in steel mill, 654. A career move worth considering, especially as the figures for 'teaching teenagers how to use a comma properly' are not listed
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| Fran had just signed up to her coal mining course when she found out that writing a blog post burnt off 9 zillion trillion calories. Yay! No need to begin! |
I'd probably need to run up and down Mt. Everest to burn off all the calories.
ReplyDeleteOr you could just run up there, stay at the top for a fortnight without food supplies, and by the time you came back down, you'd be as svelte as anything.
DeleteNine zillion trillion....how many zeros is that?
ReplyDeleteBakery wouldn't work, after the baking comes the eating, then you're right back where you started.
This is true. Light effort bakery followed by heavy effort chomping.
DeleteI wonder if by eating chocolate at extremely high speed, the physical effort might offset the calorie intake? Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteI can guarantee you, having tried this one for years, that it doesn't work.
DeleteHow about sleeping? I would gladly sleep 23/7 and eat during the hour I'm awake.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
I looked it up for you and it says you burn about 63 calories an hour while asleep. 23 x 63 is 1449, so if in that hour you had three Big Macs before going back to sleep, you'd just about balance out. If you ever woke up again, that is.
DeleteDon't tell anyone, but I've never had a Big Mac. I'm too much of a snob to eat at McDonald's.
DeleteSome handy tips there - I feel positively sylph-like after watching two sparrows in the garden for the last half-hour. If all else fails, I've heard the latest op is a 'muffinectomy'.........
ReplyDeleteYes, the birdwatching one is a complete mystery to me. A muffinectomy? Unfortunately, I have more than a muffin that needs ectoming.
DeleteA bewildering set of statistics, Fran. It's definitely bird watching for me. I can eat a doughnut while I'm doing it, and still come out thinner.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. And if you buy the doughnuts with the hole in the middle, they're diet ones anyway.
DeletePresumably , if birdwatching burns off that many calories , watching a match at Wimbledon must use up at least 480 ? Constantly turning one's head from left to right like that with only some strawberries and a smidgeon of cream to look forward to ....
ReplyDeleteAnd constantly lifting that glass of Pimms to one's lips .... at least 500 calories an hour!
DeleteIf you want to "bag some grass" I know a couple of guys at the bottom end of town who can probably get hold of some for you. Any idea what strength you'd like? Not sure about it's weight loss virtues either as prolonged use tends to lead to the "munchies".
ReplyDeleteI was waiting for someone to take this angle .... never thought it would be you, Steve ....
DeleteThe birdwatching and the fishing are presumably merely the equivalent to "being alive for an hour", which does take some effort, particularly as one gets older. I don't understand about the sleeping thing. If I burned off that many calories while asleep, I would have used up most of what I eat some days by just sleeping. Alas, this doesn't seem to be the case. Explain. Or alternatively, have some cake.
ReplyDeleteI'll take the cake. I can't explain. You are puzzled by exactly the things which puzzled me.
DeleteFor those not familiar with the workings of a tennis match, may I point out that you don't constantly turn your head from left to right. You also have to intermittently turn it from right to left, otherwise you're likely to get a crick in your neck.
ReplyDeleteThis advice is brought to you by the Pedants and Hair Splitters Society.
We are so grateful for your advice. We were wondering why our necks were resembling corkscrews.
DeleteNow I know why all the dog groomers I've used are so slim. Note to self; buy a dog brush & watch the pounds fall off.
ReplyDeleteLet us know how things go. There could be a rush on dog brushes if it all turns out well.
Delete