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Thursday, 16 January 2014

Evidence that Fran has not read the book 'How Grandmas can be a good influence'




I will tell you about my proudest achievement as a Grandma so far.  Have I taught 18 month old Elijah to say 1, 2, 3?  No, although I've tried.  Have I taught him to say 'Grandma'?  No, although I've tried. Have I taught him to eat all of his vegetables?  No chance.  You'd think that spending all week persuading 11 year olds to write 'would have' instead of 'would of' and to put capital letters on names would give me plenty of practice in working miracles, but, no, the toddler-broccoli challenge will have to be left to greater mortals.

What I have taught him is, when we're looking out of his living room window at passing cars, to bang on the glass like a mad thing and yell, 'OY! YOU!'

Practice makes perfect.  So, the last few times I've stayed at his house, I've run him through the 'Oy! You!' routine again, just to make sure he doesn't forget.  And then, yesterday, when I spoke to him on the phone, the one thing that made him remember who I was just by my voice was when I said, 'Oy! You!' to him and he started giggling.

We have a unique link now, Elijah and I, bonded together by a special routine that involves insulting local drivers, making their innocent way down a Surrey street, only to be yelled at by a middle-aged woman and a toddler, jabbing at the windows and screeching.

At some point, I will try to teach him to say 'please' and 'thank you' or to use his knife and fork correctly.

Honest.

Next, Fran decided to take Elijah for a drive to show him how best to behave behind the wheel.  



27 comments:

  1. Oy! You! Where did you get that photo of me driving? I thought it was hidden under my mattress.

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    1. Ah ... that was when I taught Elijah about burglary ....

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  2. I'm laughing so hard that Franklin seems concerned. If I ever have a grandchild, I shall remember what to teach him.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. You know where to come for the best advice on these things then.

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  3. Grab your victories where you can. You'll have many more years to teach him things.

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    1. Let's hope so. I have the whole 'How to crack terrible jokes and annoy your family' thing and the 'how to insist on word games at family parties' thing to go through with him yet.

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  4. With such a command of language I can see he's either going to grow up to be a policeman or a car park attendant. Either way he'll have a uniform.

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    1. Either way he'll get the sack pretty rapidly.

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  5. Try a little reverse psychology, if you can convince Elijah that sweets are broccoli, he may leave those alone too. Or think that broccoli means sweets and eat it.

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    1. This is a clever strategy. I will work on it and if I find out that it's successful, I will market the strategy and make myself a trillionaire.

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  6. Excellent! I'm in slightly different territory at the moment. All three girls are obsessed with wanting to know what naughty things I got up to as a little boy. Of course, there's very little to tell, so I'll just have to make something up.

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    1. I'm sure some of your close friends and family could jog your memory ...

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    2. Is that a shred of doubt I'm picking up, Fran?

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  7. Surely you should leave all the boring stuff - like eating healthily - to his parents? You're teaching him to have fun, which is much more important. (I haven't quite got to the grandma stage yet, but I'm looking forward to winding up small children and then gleefully handing them back to their parents!)

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    1. I am so glad you said this. I will embark forthwith on the 'swinging from light fittings' lesson.

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    2. And don't forget the value of large amounts of sugar coupled with a tutorial on rude body noises.

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  8. One of us has got it wrong ... I thought grandchildren were there to teach Grannies things ? Even the two year-old knows more about IPads than I do .

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    1. Ah, now, there I agree with you. In fact, I'm looking forward to Elijah reaching two, because then he can help me with how to use the remote for my telly and how not to take accidental videos of my feet or my kitchen floor with my smartphone.

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  9. I rather like " Oy You ! "

    I used to make an Australian friend laugh when I said, " Sod it "
    Maybe you could slip that in to conversation; " Sod it, lets eat sweets & forget the Broccoli " ?

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    1. Hm. I would rather like to stay friends with my son and daughter-in-law, that's the only trouble ...

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  10. I taught my granddaughter how to stick stickers all over her face.

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    1. One of my favourite 'keep the kids amused' trick was to put them in the highchair with a roll of sticky tape for an hour.

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  11. Is it just me or... does that look like a picture of a toddler holding up a cardboard mask of Elijah in front of his face?

    (Next lesson, by the way: apostrophes. You can never start too young.)

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    1. Ha ha! I got so much grief about my 'magazine in front of face' photo I had to put a proper one up in the end. It was the end of an era. And, yes, apostrophes next week. The week after, subordinate clauses.

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    2. And the next week: the subjunctive.

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  12. Subordinate clauses? Damn, I must have been gazing out the classroom window that day, I've no idea what they are.

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    1. If you've managed without them so far, River, I would just carry on and die happy if I were you.

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