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Saturday, 11 January 2014

Evidence that one can find links between Clooney and 90 year old women if one looks hard enough


I read a newspaper this morning in which something had gone wrong with the printing of the Lonely Hearts section, meaning that none of the words were decipherable.  

How cruel is that for any ladies looking for love?  Sod's law decrees that it would be today that THIS man places his advert ...

'Male, George Clooney lookalike -  6 feet tall - clean-shaven - Mills & Boon chin - Greco-Roman chiselled facial features -  muscles that ripple like a pond -  likes wining and dining women at Michelin star restaurants -  millionaire with yacht moored in the Seychelles -  hobbies include telling women how beautiful they are even though they're a bit plump and menopausal - WLTM anyone really, generally not fussy, not even bothered if you haven't shaved your legs or done your roots or cleared out your make-up bag for months ...'

.... and on that ONE day, the printing gets messed up, and you go away disappointed to watch your Oceans Thirteen video for the fifth time this month and eat a whole Viennetta and THEN some oven chips with an egg which breaks in the pan, but who cares, dammit?



So pretty.  Such a shame to cut it ..... I'll just fetch a big spoon.  


And, talking about love (for Clooney ... Viennetta ... whatEVer ...), I went to see my Granny today in her care home and there was an old lady of about 90 in the day room with us who kept yelling, 'You can't sleep with ME.  I've only got a single BED.  You can't sleep with ME.  There's no room in my single BED.'  It was disconcerting.  No matter how often I tried to resume my conversation with Gran ('Do you like your new slippers, then, Granny?' - 'What did you have for lunch today?' - 'Oh, that cardigan's a nice colour.') my efforts were subsumed beneath the impressive vocal powers of the old lady to my right. Not only that, but there was a Poirot mystery on the television, typically turned up so loud that it was more of an invasion than an entertainment and French phrases ('Zis is very straunge ... I sink ze killer iz still 'ere in ze 'ouse') boomed into the room.

I turned, intending to suggest gently to the old lady that she quieten down a little, but Gran said to me, 'There's no point.  She can't hear you.  She's stone deaf.'

I was going to attempt a witty, inventive link between the Lonely Hearts story and the care home story but, sadly, I think it's already there.


P.S.
I just said to my husband, 'I've written a blog post about Clooney.'
'Hm ...,' he mused.  'Now I should know who that is.'
'You don't know who Clooney is?' I said.  'He's about the most famous actor ever.  And if I hadn't married you, I'd have married him.'
'Well, Clooney to me is a monastery towards the South of France that was very important in the Middle Ages.'
I looked it up on Google.  'That one's spelt Cluny.  And, anyway, are you sure you are not a Martian?'









27 comments:

  1. I notice you didn't say to your husband, 'I've just been reading the Lonely Hearts column'.........and I notice (very observant tonight, that'll be the extra G and T) you didn't tell us what he said when you asked if he was a Martian ( if he's green and his garden 'shed' sometimes lights up at night and takes off into the sky, well then he probably is. But if he has lots of relatives on the way, the Daily Mail will go into overload - 'After Romanian influx, here come the Martians'. Perhaps I'll stick with one G and T tomorrow.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He knows from experience that there is no point replying to anything I say.

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  2. My wife and I have an agreement; if she can convince George Clooney to go to bed with her she has my permission. I won't say who I get.

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  3. I can handle chips and egg, probably Clooney too, but you can keep the Vienetta to yourself, I don't like them.

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    1. I can keep the Viennetta to myself? Oh, alRIGHT, then, if SOMEone has to!

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  4. I'm confused. So who did it? Was it the butler?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The confusion is obviously catching.

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  5. Are you supposed to clean out your make-up bag? nobody told me..............

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    Replies
    1. Well, you know that eye shadow you bought in 1994 and never used?.....

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  6. I wonder who the old lady was talking to ? George Clooney ?

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    Replies
    1. Well, she's got nearer than I have, then.

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  7. I'm trying to imagine the female equivalent of George Clooney - Greco-Roman chiselled facial features. The closest would be a pub landlady I recall. The general consensus among her customers, was that she got to look that way by chasing parked cars.

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    Replies
    1. Brilliant! I think Maggie Thatcher was a bit 'chiselled' wasn't she? She looked a bit like one of those faces carved into a rock face.

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  8. Sounds like your husbands either an intellectual or jealous.

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  9. I like the sound of chips and egg for pudding . Is this after the chips and egg for mains ?
    If so , I'm coming round to your house tomorrow .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, it's pudding first and then chips and egg. Then I think you could have more pudding, just to put things back in order. But I could also do chips and egg and then chips and egg, and then pudding. Basically, all variations possible in this house. Except, if my husband is here, he would make me have sprouts or broccoli, or at least peas, with the chips and egg.

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  10. Good one! I retired four years ago and haven't worn makeup since. It's all still sitting in its bag…it doesn't keep forever?

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I think it'll keep. I would leave it there and let someone find it in a hundred years' time when no one will need make up because they'll all be able to perform surgery on themselves using a Smartphone, or something similar.

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  11. Oh! When I worked in the nursing home the loud volume of the televisions just about drove me crazy. A hundred TVs turned on and blaring.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. We used to have an old lady live in a flat above ours and we never needed to put the news on and use our electricity up because we could just listen to hers. Bless.

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  12. I always deliberately break my eggs in the pan. Then the yolks cook thoroughly.

    Is Mr Clooney not a bit elderly for young you?

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    Replies
    1. Elderly? He's one year older than I am!

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  13. Make-up bag? What's a make-up bag?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry. I just made it up.

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    2. Interesting. I don't even like George Clooney that much. Now gimme Matthew Macfadyen and you'd be in business. But he'd have to be drugged and blindfolded, as I'm probably twice his age. Great post :)

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    3. I'm the same age as George, but I think he'd have to be drugged and blindfolded, too.

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