1. I got told at the A & E Department last night that the reason I had leg pain might be a thrombosis, or it might be a Baker's cyst, something that starts behind the knee and can rupture, causing pain down the calf. 'Do you get Baker's cysts from eating too many flapjacks or chocolate cake?' I wanted to ask. But it didn't seem the right moment. Anyway, the doctor might have said, 'In your case, most probably. In most people's cases, it's a fluctual swelling that occurs in the popliteal space. Now, are you going to shut up and let me examine this leg or not?'
|'Oi, you!' said the baker. 'Who said you could take my cyst?'|
2. I am so immature in formal situations. I managed to keep a straight face when the A & E booking-in clerk said, 'Who's your next of kin?' even though I think 'next of kin' is such a funny phrase and makes me feel already dead. I bit my lip to control myself and answered, 'Paul Hill'. Then she said, 'Relationship to next of kin?' and I so wanted to say, 'Well, yesterday we had a bit of an argument about him forgetting to make the gravy, and we don't really agree on wallpaper patterns, and I hate the way he leaves the dishcloth all scrunched up and soggy, but generally, we're fine, thanks.'
|'Yes, could Security come quickly, please? I think she requires an urgent psychiatric assessment.'|
3. A nurse, about to give me an injection of rat poison in case I had a thrombosis, weighed me first so she could calculate the dose. She then went out of the room for quite a long time. I think she was ringing the Pest Control Department of the local council to see if they had spare supplies.
|'Yes, a hundred of those, please.'|
4. I had a disagreement with a drinks machine in A & E. I wanted a bottle of water. It said, 'Select your product.' I pressed the relevant number. It said, 'One pound fifty.' I put in one pound fifty. I waited. It said, 'Select your product.' I selected it again. It said, 'Fifty pence.' I didn't understand. I put in fifty pence. It said, 'Select your product.' I looked for the button that said, 'Kick the machine HERE if you are getting really cross' but there wasn't one. I selected the product again. This time, the bottle shifted to the edge of its shelf and teetered on the edge, teasing me and going 'ner ner ner ner ner'. Then it fell. But, as it fell, the well it was meant to fall into so I could collect it started closing and I had to force it back open again in order to get the water before my hand got trapped and I had to go back to the desk clerk and say, 'You know I was here for a suspected thrombosis? Well, can you add 'contusion to back of left hand, severe thirst and stress to the list?'
|Yep, I know. What's the connection? Well, I typed in 'evil drinks machine', and this is what came up first.|
My leg was much better this morning, so thanks for all your good wishes and prayers. I have to go back to A & E tonight and tomorrow for more rat poison, and then on Monday they will do a scan to see if they can see a blood clot. Meanwhile, if I see a rat and kiss him, will it be the kiss of death? I really want to know.
|Ratty had heard that Fran was interesting in doing an experiment, and was lying low for a while ...|