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Saturday, 25 January 2014

Reasons why the staff at the A & E department might not be too thrilled to see Fran again

Snippets from the last 24 hours ... the story of Leg-gate continued from yesterday's blog post ...

1. I got told at the A & E Department last night that the reason I had leg pain might be a thrombosis, or it might be a Baker's cyst, something that starts behind the knee and can rupture, causing pain down the calf.  'Do you get Baker's cysts from eating too many flapjacks or chocolate cake?' I wanted to ask.  But it didn't seem the right moment.  Anyway, the doctor might have said, 'In your case, most probably.  In most people's cases, it's a fluctual swelling that occurs in the popliteal space.  Now, are you going to shut up and let me examine this leg or not?'

'Oi, you!' said the baker.  'Who said you could take my cyst?'


2. I am so immature in formal situations.  I managed to keep a straight face when the A & E booking-in clerk said, 'Who's your next of kin?' even though I think 'next of kin' is such a funny phrase and makes me feel already dead.  I bit my lip to control myself and answered, 'Paul Hill'.  Then she said, 'Relationship to next of kin?' and I so wanted to say, 'Well, yesterday we had a bit of an argument about him forgetting to make the gravy, and we don't really agree on wallpaper patterns, and I hate the way he leaves the dishcloth all scrunched up and soggy, but generally, we're fine, thanks.'


'Yes, could Security come quickly, please?  I think she requires an urgent psychiatric assessment.'




3. A nurse, about to give me an injection of rat poison in case I had a thrombosis, weighed me first so she could calculate the dose.  She then went out of the room for quite a long time.  I think she was ringing the Pest Control Department of the local council to see if they had spare supplies.


'Yes, a hundred of those, please.'


4. I had a disagreement with a drinks machine in A & E.  I wanted a bottle of water.  It said, 'Select your product.'  I pressed the relevant number.  It said, 'One pound fifty.'  I put in one pound fifty.  I waited.  It said, 'Select your product.'  I selected it again.  It said, 'Fifty pence.'  I didn't understand.  I put in fifty pence.  It said, 'Select your product.'  I looked for the button that said, 'Kick the machine HERE if you are getting really cross' but there wasn't one.  I selected the product again.  This time, the bottle shifted to the edge of its shelf and teetered on the edge, teasing me and going 'ner ner ner ner ner'.  Then it fell.  But, as it fell, the well it was meant to fall into so I could collect it started closing and I had to force it back open again in order to get the water before my hand got trapped and I had to go back to the desk clerk and say, 'You know I was here for a suspected thrombosis?  Well, can you add 'contusion to back of left hand, severe thirst and stress to the list?'


Yep, I know.  What's the connection?  Well, I typed in 'evil drinks machine', and this is what came up first.


My leg was much better this morning, so thanks for all your good wishes and prayers.  I have to go back to A & E tonight and tomorrow for more rat poison, and then on Monday they will do a scan to see if they can see a blood clot.  Meanwhile, if I see a rat and kiss him, will it be the kiss of death?  I really want to know.

Ratty had heard that Fran was interesting in doing an experiment, and was lying low for a while ...

19 comments:

  1. I did not expect to giggle my way through this, but I did. I could literally see the sit com happening before my very eyes as I read it.
    Hope your leg is back to how it should be very soon!

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    1. Giggle away. That's the goal!

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  2. Glad your leg is starting to feel better--I hope it hurries up!!

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    1. Thanks, fishducky. So do I. I just hope that if it hurries up, the other one can keep pace, otherwise I am going to look very funny walking.

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  3. I have great difficulty behaving myself in all situations. People die, and I make jokes.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Please come to my funeral when it happens. I will get you to do the tribute.

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  4. I think it's all a ruse to get off school. It's a complicated one, I'll grant you.

    I didn't know I had a popliteal space. I must ask my doctor son about it.

    Keep getting better!

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    1. Hm. Problem is - and you'll know this - it's more complicated to be off school than to be there. Good luck with finding your popliteal space. Don't say I don't give you ideas for things to do.

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  5. Oh, good . Now they've found out what's wrong and are treating it , you can get down to the serious business of enjoying being poorly ... lots of cosseting and being brought tempting little snacks .

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    1. If only I really were poorly in a convincing poorly sort of way. It's just a dodgy knee, a funny walk, and an ankle that looks like a scatter cushion. No snacks have arrived, and probably just as well, as it's no doubt the snacks that have contributed to the knee problem ....

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  6. Get better. Pain is not a good thing. (Just in case you didn't know that.)

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    1. And, because of that fact, I am glad to say there's not much pain now. If it was a cyst that burst, the bursting helped ...

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  7. Having once owned a pet rat I know just how much they love kissing. You're in for a treat. I hope you're fully recovered soon.

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    1. I was actually horrified when I typed 'kissing a rat' into Google to find hundreds of pictures of people actually kissing their rats. I mean ....

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  8. Gosh Fran, you've had quite a time. Much as I admire the denizens of our Health Service spending any time in A&E is never enjoyable. You did well to keep your sanity relatively intact. What worries me is that with all this modern diagnostic technology they still can't tell you for sure that you have a thrombosis or a cyst. I mean, if they're that unsure are those even the only 2 options? What about a Manitou? Or an alien growing in your leg? Or have you repressed so much anger you are slowly turning into the Hulk?

    P.S. Hope you're feeling better soon. ;-)

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    1. I will find out if it's a manitou or an alien tomorrow, and then they will have to decide how to treat me.

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  9. Rat poison? Seriously? That's what they use?

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    1. I know! Quote from a website about it: "Warfarin (also known under the brand names Coumadin, Jantoven, Marevan, Lawarin, and Waran) is an anticoagulant. It was initially marketed as a pesticide against rats and mice and is still popular for this purpose."

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  10. Of course! Warfarin. I'd completely forgotten about that and it being a rat poison. It's given over here in pill form sometimes, I had a friend once whose mother was on a small daily dose because of heart trouble.

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