WHAT YOU'LL FIND ON THIS BLOG

Monday, 24 March 2014

Evidence that Fran has ventured outdoors

I actually went into a field this weekend.

What, outdoors?  I hear you say.  Do you even venture onto the doormat outside your house without hyperventilating and needing to breathe into a paper bag? I hear you say.  Don't you feel panicky merely standing near an open window? I hear you say.

Well, here's the proof that I braved the elements.  I took this photo myself, honest.

These are tractor prints, not my footprints.
  I may be a size 7 but even my trainers don't make tracks like that.




And here's a picture of the whole field, although I did send this to my sister and she said, 'You could have taken that while leaning out of a cafe window.'  This kind of cynicism cuts one to the quick.

This looks as though I was leaning over when taking this.  I may well have been,
through tiredness.  We had walked for 30 whole minutes.





What got me into the field, then?

No, I was NOT lost.

It was because my friend, with whom I had gone away for a weekend of writing, eating scones, more writing, more scone-eating, and more writing, is the type who loves to be outdoors.  For her, the wind through her hair is a joy.  For me, it's a threat, messes with my mood, and makes me want to slap people.  Still, I conquered my aversion to fresh air and followed her meekly out of the door of the house (checking for danger - one never knows) and into the field.

I think I managed quite well.  I had my hands in my pockets the whole time which my friend perhaps thought was because of the cold, but in fact I was clutching a card bearing the phone number of a reputable therapist, just in case I needed to book an appointment in a hurry.

There's a lot of green and brown in the countryside; I think I've mentioned this before.  I do worry about the lack of variety and am unreasonably cheered up by the odd daffodil or bit of purple heather.  This is why I prefer Turner's paintings of fiery sunsets to Constable's paintings of the countryside.

Manager of art shop: 'Hey, Constable's been in again.'
Assistant:  'Let me guess.  We're left with a glut of purples and yellows and need to order a shedload more of the green and brown.'
Manager: 'You guessed it.  What's the betting we'll get that chap in who does the Shrek and Incredible Hulk paintings and we'll have to make him wait?'
Assistant: 'And that guy who does the adverts for Cadbury.  He's going to be disappointed again.'
Manager: 'I'll have a word with Constable.  He can't keep doing this.  I mean, who's going to buy paintings as boring as that?  He needs to chuck in the odd sheep at least, or perhaps a farmer wearing a red shirt.'
Assistant: 'I agree. He's never going to make a name for himself.'
Manager: 'There's no telling some people.  Hey, here comes another customer.'
Assistant: 'Arrgh, no.  It's that woman who does the cabbage paintings.  What do we tell her?'

She ended up having to paint aubergines and it wasn't her genre at all.  Next time, she'd shop online.  









24 comments:

  1. Did you encounter a bull? I only ask because your view of the countryside is rather Withnail-esque. ;-)

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    1. I had to look that up. ('Withnail', not 'bull.) And the answer's no. On the other hand, I've not been out much, and may not have recognised a bull if I saw one.

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  2. And I was that friend! What she didn't mention is that I had to literally drag her across the threshold with a promise of a visit to the well-stocked village shop and a choice of THREE chocolate bars IF she came with me. (The truth, however, is that she appeared to enjoy the experience. The blog post is much funnier without this though.)

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    1. I nearly said I'd enjoyed it, but some regular followers might have de-followed, thinking I was beginning to tell lies.

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    2. no, NO, we believe. Every. Word.
      Except the green is boring. No one would believe that!

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  3. I like Constable and Turner equally but for different reasons. I don't spend as much time outside as I should.

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    1. To be honest, I think Constable and Turner only went outside because they didn't want to paint vases or bowls of fruit. I see their point.

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  4. I think I picked up from another social media platform (probably 9¾) that you were over the border, in our neighbouring county, Fran. I think you secretly enjoyed your pastoral perambulations.

    A former line manager once squealed, on discovering that I lived in the back end of beyond, "Oh no, all that awful mud! And what on earth do you do when it rains?"

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    1. There really really ought to be a social media platform called 9 and three-quarters. (How do you do three-quarters as a number on here? I can't work it out.)

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    2. Ah, you obviously didn't attend Hogwarts, Fran. It's one of the first things they teach, there. (copy and paste)

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  5. Come on, 'fess up - that second pic was taken out of a train window....... Next time you see your chum, tell her to crack on with her blog - she writes wonderfully. X

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    1. Thanks, Vintage. She'll be chuffed.

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  6. I'm very impressed that you had three writing sessions and only two scone-eating sessions; though your friend does seem to suggest that chocolate entered the equation also.

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    1. I actually had no chocolate all weekend. I gave it up for Lent, and apart from a chocolate chip cookie I had without realising (these things happen so easily ...) I've kept to it. Are you proud?

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  7. Scones? I haven't had scones in years! Did they have jam and cream on them?
    I was out and about myself today, with my camera, I think I walked about a million miles over 4 and a half hours.
    You gave up chocolate for lent? CHOCOLATE??
    Wow.

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    1. Home-made jam and clotted cream. Real diet food.

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  8. Three quarters=3 forward slash 4. Give it a try. 3/4

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    1. 3/4 3/4 3/4 Yes, I can do that, but how can you make it change into a mini-one like Martin's?

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  9. Highlight it then change type size to small I think.

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  10. I have a huge urge to slap one particular woman. It's her girly voice... I want to slap her & say " grow up ! "
    I need therapy...or scones...or chocolate...or a walk in the great outdoors ( which I do often but still want to slap her )

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    1. That sounds like a great day - therapy, then scones, then chocolate, then a wa - nah, perhaps just the first three.

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  11. Loved it Fran. Once again, when I'd promised myself I'd head to bed early, I'm here giggling at your blog. My local Art shop is ALWAYS running out of french ultramarine. Must be all those blue skies we have around here :) I think the cabbage/ aubergine bit was fab. always love a visual joke. I quite like a gentle stroll in the great outdoors, especially if it's on the way to tea shop. Inland outdoors in Cyprus is not quite the same though. Dustier and with more snakes. And hey! I gave up chocolate for lent too, and cakes, and biscuits, and honey... and the fact that I have lost NO WEIGHT AT ALL must be evidence that all that stuff isn't so bad for me, surely?

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    1. 'Dustier and with more snakes.' I bet it doesn't say that in the brochures!

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