Evidence that being in one's fifties gives rise to a range of anxieties
1. If my lips get thinner as I age, and I started with thinnish lips in the first place, will they eventually disappear into my face so that people will stare at me and say, 'What a funny place to have a wrinkle!'?
2. If it's true that ears are the one thing that get bigger as you age, whereas everything else shrinks and shrivels, am I likely to be mistaken for a baby elephant while out shopping?
3. If there comes a day when I start to cut my toenails but then can't make my way back up, is there a way to eat and drink upside down?
4. If things are preserved by putting them in the fridge, would doing an hour's stint in there once a day keep me from ageing, if I could make enough space on the meat shelf?
5. If my sight is likely to get worse, is it worth having a regular place to put my spectacles at night, so that the day I wake up not being able to see them, I'll definitely know where they are?
6. If it's true that every woman who ages loses their eyesight and grows chin hairs simultaneously and therefore won't be able to see to pluck them out, is that not proof that the world is not a just one?
7. If people who are at least forty let me on the bus before them, even though they were first in the queue, am I allowed to slap them?
8. If I end up with dentures, would eating a toffee be an acceptable way to get myself out of a conversation with a bore?
9. If I did slap the person at the bus stop, and ended up in prison, would I get a concession for my age and be allowed to sleep on the bottom bunk?
10. If someone from the 'Help the Aged' charity knocks at my door, is it acceptable to say, 'I'll just take the money right now, thanks, in cash.'?
|11. If memory problems result in arriving at parties slightly under-dressed, will people pretend not to notice?|