Reasons to avoid eating scones at Fran's house until February

We've weevils.

I'm only writing this blog post because I wanted to write that first sentence. Now I have to think of how to carry on and write an interesting post about the weevils who are weaving their evil weevily way through our flour and cereals and sugar.

Firstly, then, while I'm thinking, here's a picture of a flour weevil. I've had to get it off Google because when I asked our weevils to pose for a photo, they went all coy on me and said if they'd wanted to become famous they'd have auditioned for X Factor, thank you very much.

Fran the judge said 'It's a no from me.'


Fortunately, that picture is not life-size. If it were, we might have spotted Weevil Number 1 when it first arrived in our house, most likely in a bag of flour from the supermarket, to start its colonisation of our kitchen. I know my eyesight isn't what it used to be, but I think I'd have noticed it lurking in my fruit scone mixture, doing a very poor impression of a raisin.

Here's a more realistic picture of what we saw in our flour when we looked closely. 











Sorry. As I googled 'weevil' I was reminded of this guy from my childhood who leapt over buses on his motorbike. Do you remember him? Don't you think it would have been fun if he'd actually been a pest that lived in flour and leapt over buses at the weekend? Evel Knieval the Weevil. 

Anyway, this was the picture I really wanted, although our weevils were really not this obvious. I think these weevils are wearing mascara, eye liner and black underwear.






A purification ritual faces us. We have to empty the cupboards and throw away all the dry goods (making a trillion weevils homeless, but, hey, they're basically squatting).  Then we need to disinfect the cupboards and spray them with anti-weevil poison, hardening our hearts to the weevily screams and death rattles of any left behind weevils, clinging to the sides of the cupboards with their sticky little paws. After this, all the new dry goods need to go into weevil-proof plastic containers.  We are going to be solely responsible for Mr Tupperware's good year.

I have to say, I've never been given a better reason for not doing all the essay marking that's waiting for me. Usually I plead 'I have to iron the socks' or 'I have to make sure all my books are in alphabetical order' but having to commit weevilocide is a much more interesting excuse.

I have in my mind an irresistible image of a rock band, made up of four of the above-named pests, strutting their stuff on the stage and singing 'Weevil weevil rock you!'

I was going to leave you with a parody of the Winston Churchill speech 'Weevil fight them on the beaches, weevil fight them on the .....' but then I googled it and found out he said 'We shall.'  That's a bummer.



Comments

  1. Anonymous16/1/15 07:45

    Haha! Brilliant! Love the bit about the weevils wearing eye liner and mascara. I could have been a weevil! There's a thought...I'll never look at weevils again in the same light.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill16/1/15 09:47

      I'm hoping I'll never have to look at weevils again, ever!

      Delete
  2. Anonymous16/1/15 08:32

    I thought there was an extra crunch in the tiffin you gave us for Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill16/1/15 09:47

      Rumbled! We were hoping to get rid of a few that way ...

      Delete
  3. Janie Junebug16/1/15 11:56

    I keep all my food in Tupperware--real Tupperware, not the pretend Tupperware that's cheap and you don't care if someone accidentally tosses it in the garbage. I've had most of my Tupperware for thirty years or more. I should do Tupperware commercials. They don't want someone as strange as I am in their commercials. I know without asking. I love your book. I hope my approbation doesn't ruin sales.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill16/1/15 12:11

      We have some Tupperware, just not enough for full-on weevil-resistance as well as for full-on food storage and full-on sandwich carrying-about. Thank you for loving my book. I'm really pleased. :)

      Delete
  4. SmitoniusAndSonata16/1/15 12:39

    I'd love to drop in for tea next time I'm passing , thankyou ...
    I'll bring some buns , shall I ?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous16/1/15 14:04

    We used to have weevil infestations, but no more. Before anything alluring to weevils (bread, cereals, flour,etc.) goes in our cupboards it spends 24 hours in the freezer. Those little buggers don't like the cold!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill16/1/15 14:07

      Ah, now, I do remember reading the freezer tip somewhere. But ... I hesitate to say this ... do you just end up eating dead weevils instead? Like, frozen ones?

      Delete
  6. Anonymous16/1/15 14:28

    Love it! (Your post, not the weevils.) Reminded me of those toys they used to make - "Weevils wobble but they don't fall down". Happy weevil hunting!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill16/1/15 14:57

      These weevils don't wobble. In fact, they're scared of NOTHING. Only the poison ... and, apparently, the freezer, according to Fishducky.

      Delete
  7. stephen Hayes16/1/15 16:26

    The only weevils I know about are cotton weevils and I think they're much bigger than the ones in your flour. Yuck. My wife would want to move.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill17/1/15 10:39

      Your wife is a sensible lady. Thankfully the weevils are on their way out now (I sang to them and suddenly they changed their minds about staying).

      Delete
  8. Steve16/1/15 23:29

    Weevils remind me of the film version of Empire Of The Sun where the POWs in a Japanese prison camp are give rice infested with weevils to eat. Basically they eat the Weevils as well as they're an added source of protein. Just saying. Make some cakes and wipe them out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill17/1/15 10:40

      'Are the poppy seeds in this cake MEANT to be able to walk?'

      Delete
  9. Jinksy17/1/15 08:42

    I smiled so wide on reading this delight, my head nearly split in two like a Russian Doll's belly!. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill17/1/15 10:41

      How poetic! I'm glad you enjoyed it, Jinksy.

      Delete
  10. Frances Garrood17/1/15 10:42

    Weevils are the kinds of canny things that you never see, but you know where they've been. Like clothes moths. We had an infestation of them, taking one bite out of each jumper. I wouldn't have minded so much if they'd eaten just one whole one, but oh, no. They had to ruin the lot. Little buggers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill18/1/15 12:04

      Ha ha! Like a toddler, taking a bite out of every cake on the plate when no one's looking!

      Delete
  11. River17/1/15 17:30

    I didn't know weevils came in tiny bug types. My daughter had the pantry moth problem where the weevil stage is like miniature maggots crawling through the dry goods and building very fine cobwebs in corners to support the cocoons, then they hatch into those tiny pale brown moths.
    She'd noticed a few of these moths flittering about, but didn't realise what they were, so of course the whole house ended up infested and when I started helping her clean up I found webs and cocoons in papers, books, photo albums, even in clothing.
    First thing I did was go out and buy 2 dozen plastic containers for all new dry goods, then I set pantry moth traps in every room and changed them every two months. 18 months later, there are still moths being caught in the newest traps, but at least the pantry is clear. I check it every time I am there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill18/1/15 12:05

      I am now paranoid after reading this.

      Delete
    2. River18/1/15 19:54

      I'm pretty sure our moths can't fly that far. (*~*)

      Delete
  12. Nicola18/1/15 11:34

    I am extremely squeamish and would probably move out whilst someone gutted the kitchen. But on the other hand, it would make for an excellent science experiment. Hmmmm let me think...... you could place them in a test-tube, burn them and see how calorific they are :) No, that's too cruel. You could make a weevil farm and monitor their activity - like ant farms. Good luck with the eradication process, whatever it may be. Have a great week, Fran.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill18/1/15 12:06

      A weevil farm? That'll go down well with the neighbours.

      Delete
  13. Pam 19/1/15 10:34

    Urgh.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are definitely more
Read more

Evidence that we don't always have the right words to say at the right time

Image
The Younger Daughter was reminding me about how, when she's just accidentally burned herself and is hopping up and down in the kitchen, my instant response is 'Careful, that's hot!'  Or when she's just tripped up a step, that's the time I choose to say, 'Watch yourself!' That's me.  Eager to be helpful.  Caring Parent of the Year. But it's instinctive, isn't it, to say something completely inadequate in the face of crisis?  It's a strange feature of the way we communicate sympathy.  What about the following situations ... When someone's fallen over and is lying flat on their face, we say: 'Oh, no, are you o kay ?' When someone's just set off down the road to the shops, then lets themselves back in five minutes later, cursing and stomping, we say: 'Did you forget something?' When we come across someone sobbing their hearts out .... ..... we say things like, 'Is something the matter?' To the
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set
Read more