Reasons not to read magazines when you're in a silly mood
If you think you might suffer from a hot flush in bed at night, cool your pillow before you go to bed by putting it in the fridge.
What advice might you then need, however, should you put that into action and it backfires?
If your husband has rung the divorce lawyer having found his cans of ice-cold lager warming up on the kitchen surface while you use the fridge for your pillow, try Relate, the relationship counselling service.
But what if that goes wrong, too?
Should you find that the counsellor assigned to you at Relate is your husband's old flame/is drinking from a hip flask during consultations/breaks wind at five-minute intervals, find another way to heal your relationship, such as [another tip from the magazine], doing yoga together in the evenings.
But what if .....?
Should you find yourself both immobilised after doing yoga together in the evenings, wait until you hear the mail drop onto your doormat in the morning and yell, 'Hey, Postman! Get help! We're stuck in the lotus position!'
But what if ....?
If the postman turns out to be a postwoman, takes offence, and shouts back, 'I don't care if you're tangled up like Houdini in a strongbox, I'm not answering to an outdated gendered term of address,' you will need to find a different solution. Try banging on the dividing wall (perhaps with your head, if other limbs are unavailable) to alert a kind neighbour.
But what if ...?
Should the kind neighbour come round, let themselves in with your spare key and untangle you both, but then refuse your offered cup of tea saying, 'But I could murder a cold beer,' think before you answer. Don't say, 'Sorry, but the pillow is in the fridge, and the beers are warm.' Next time you tie yourself in knots with your legs pointing north and your elbows tucked under your armpits, you may find the neighbour refuses to answer your distress call.
And no one MAKES coffins that shape.
|Roland didn't appreciate the 'you look a bit tied up at the moment' jokes one little bit.|
I apologise heartily for this silly blog post. I didn't know where it was going when I started, and it sort of got out of hand.