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Friday, 5 February 2016

Reasons why Fran may yet be modelling for a magazine



Noises that annoy ...

1. It's windy outside tonight, and the metal flap over our letterbox clink-clink-clinks. It's a tinny sound, as though someone's standing on our door mat, playing the triangle, only badly. Sometimes I take the letterbox flap off to avoid the clinking, but instead we get a Force 9 gale whistling through it like a banshee on acid and nipping up our trouser legs when we walk down the hall. I'll take the clinking, thanks. No one's nipped up my trouser legs for years and they're not going to start now.

2. My husband is a Pressure Cooker Man. Maybe it's a macho thing, to have a stew steaming and hissing and spitting on the stove, instead of bubbling with contentment on Gas 4 for a few hours in the oven.  It's violent cookery, like rugby, only with cubes of stewing steak and half a pound of carrots and onions. But it's the hissing I can't take - it lifts up the top layer of my skin and gets under it. My husband shuts all the doors, and I sit in a far-away room, but I can still hear it, sussurating away - a meal with a Lisp.

3. The intrusive whine of aeroplanes overhead makes me flinch. We moved from Greater London to Warwickshire partly because of Aeroplanes Overhead. We lived near Heathrow and when the wind was in a certain direction and the planes ventured low, lower, lower, over our house, we could see the screws holding the undercarriage together. If we were eating, peas danced on our plates.  In fact, at times, the noise was so loud, it vibrated through my whole body to the extent that I nearly needed something to hold my own undercarriage together. There's never been a case of a uterine prolapse caused by low-flying aircraft, but I've always wanted to be a model in a magazine, and the British Medical Journal will do, seeing as Vogue hasn't rung me yet.

Maybe I was doing this when Vogue rang. Dammit. 



22 comments:

  1. Your uterus could be a STAR, baby!

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    1. That's going to puzzle them all at the award ceremony, isn't it?

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  2. I was doing well as I read, with appreciative smiles every few minutes, but then I hit the peas and chortled (word from Jabberwocky, but you're an English English teacher and knew that already) out loud.

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    1. Chortled is a great word. And I'm glad my post made you do it. :)

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  3. "The Effects of Aeronautics on V-Jay-Jay's"1 I can see it now....uh, the article not the vjj!

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    1. I'd be glad to contribute to scientific debate in this way.

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  4. People eating potato chips.

    I'm fine with any sound except for that.

    And that is an absolute pet peeve.

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    1. I am so with you on this. We should start a campaign. It used to be okay in the old days when crisps were small and people could get a whole one in and then crunch with their mouth closed. Now that crisps are the size of small plates, it's all so much more distressing.

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  5. I've lived under an airplane flight path and sometimes the planes came in so low, we opened both front and back doors in case they wanted to skim through the passage. Several times we were outside and could wave to people looking out the windows.

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    1. This comment really made me laugh. I could just visualise this!

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  6. the hissy whine of a decoder
    or a hot today laptop

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    1. Hissy whines ... never good!

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  7. I love your peas dancing and the angry cookery - I'm all French poncy when I cook - floating around taking hours and reciting poetry to bunches of watercress.

    As for evil sounds...sorry but Carmina Burana on the X factor thing...can't handle it and have to leave the room.

    I'm slightly stalky jealous too as I always wanted to be a teacher and have plans - albeit nascent to start my own school - called Fezziwig's.

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    1. You are so right about the Carmina Burana music. It's kind of Gothic. And when you start your school called Fezziwig's, I will come for interview. Thanks for the comment!

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  8. I'm not sure that I can think of annoying sounds to add, except perhaps that sound that you hear on buses from people's inefficient earphones when they're listening to rock music. Garrison Keillor describes this as "like the sound of distant chain saws".

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    1. Garrison Keillor was right! SO annoying!

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  9. Monotone voices get to me and likewise the tickety tickety beat from peoples' headphones on train journeys. I always move seats.

    We stuff a towel into the letterbox in windy weather; it does make it rather difficult for the postman !

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    1. The towel tip is a good one. Will try that. As for moving seats, I'm always worried someone will realise I changed seats because of their noise and will come and punch me.

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    2. I had to be a bit careful once but I couldn't stand the chomping of sweets from the young man seated next to me. I waited for the train to get into a station & moved cunningly appearing to be departing the train !

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    3. I've done that trick, too! We are all SUCH dissemblers!

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  10. The one-sided 'phone conversations people have ... so frustrating for the nosy bystander .

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    1. I'm always astounded at what people will talk about in public places. In loud voices. With no shame.

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