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Sunday, 22 May 2016

Reasons why Fran gets through a lot of toothpaste

I wasn't a spotty teenager. Phew, I thought. I've got away with that. And, until I was 49, I did.

Then, the day after my 50th birthday. BOOM! Mahoosive spots, all over my chin, cheeks and forehead. On a bad day, I look like the Lake District.

But it's not just me. 

Next time you go to see Shakespeare's Macbeth, watch Lady Macbeth carefully. When she does her 'Out, damned spot!' speech, I swear this isn't bloodguilt at all, but a rant about late-onset acne. Granted, last time I saw the play, I couldn't see the spots on her face, but I was in a £7.50 seat in the upper circle and so far from the action that when Macbeth said, 'Is this a dagger I see before me?' I couldn't have helped him out if I'd tried.  

Furthermore, my theory about Lady-Macbeth-the-Menopausal is supported by the fact that she has ripped off her nightie in the small hours and is wandering about naked, spouting nonsense. Any woman over 45 knows what that's all about.

She's a formidable woman, though, Lady Macbeth. If I'd been her acne, I'd have gone 'out' as fast as I could.

I tried her technique in front of the mirror. 'Out, damned spot!' I said to my reflection. Then corrected it to 'spots'. I had to get to work, after all.

Nothing happened.

This might be because telling spots 'Out! Out!' when they are already 3 or 4 centimetres 'out' and yelling to the world 'Look at me, I'm an uber-spot!' is futile. Maybe I should be shouting 'In! In! Get Back In, damned spot!'

This way, I may end up with craters rather than spots, but at least I could fill those in with some tile grouting or peanut butter or left-over hummus, and then slap on some foundation.

Just part of the morning routine


There's no point trying spot concealer. Has any product ever been so mis-named? Spot concealer is only suitable for teeny-weeny-meeny little baby spots, otherwise all it does is REveal. If all I had were teeny-weeny-meeny little baby spots, I'd be spending my money in Costa instead, sipping a latte and feeling smug about people in the queue who had real acne. But I don't. I have proper grown-up spots and all spot concealer does, once I've applied it in careful layers, like Pompeii, is announce them to the public. 'Don't bother with nature programmes to see a furious, pulsating volcano! Just look over here at this old bird trying to pretend she has smooth skin!'

So what am I, and Lady Macbeth, supposed to do? Join a model agency that supplies women to medical journals?

I saw in a magazine that if you put toothpaste on a raging spot, it calms it. Sometimes I do that overnight. Sometimes it works.

You're welcome to the tip. But remember. It's only an indoor solution. Don't do what I did, which was to blob toothpaste on my chin and forehead one Saturday morning, knowing we were going out with friends that evening, and then ...

You know what I'm going to say ....

I realised my mistake just before we went into an Italian restaurant to meet our friends, and my husband had to help me scrub off the toothpaste under a street lamp in Leamington's high street. It wasn't easy. I was using a face wipe from my handbag which had been there for a year and was as dry as stage fright.

And, of course, all I did was reveal the spots, which were still there, throbbing away like a 70s disco, ready to party, and shouting, 'We're out! We're out! You said 'out' and we're out!'




17 comments:

  1. .. aww Fran... I so relate to what you say....I don't have acne, but I do get Rosacea on my nose and cheeks and it's hard to conceal too.I often look red and spotty.. I agree with you, it's not a good look.
    Hope you have beautiful smooth skin soon... hugs... Barb xxx

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    1. Thank you, Barbara. Maybe my skin will go smooth and velvety again at 70. In between the wrinkles, anyway.

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  2. I feel your pain, Fran. I too was blessed with acne-free skin as a teenager but once I hit 40, my skin went all to ratshit. The only saving grace is that the acne is not on my face but elsewhere that can be covered up with clothing. Instead, my face is where all the age spots congregate but it's still a blessing.

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    1. Age spots, too! No, don't get me talking about the age spots!

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  3. I felt really cheated when the Dr told me that menopause was puberty in reverse and the acne was normal. Having spent 13- 17 under the illusion that spot concealer did conceal (ha the optimism of youth) these days I know it bloody doesn't. Instead I use the spots as evidence that, despite grey hair, I am in fact a teenager. Sadly my year 6 class don't believe me.

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    1. That's a great way to think about it. A grey-haired teenager. I will adopt that as a life philosophy, especially as my hair is fast becoming more-grey-than-dark-brown whereas only a year ago it was more-dark-brown-than-grey.

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  4. Haha! That always happens to my face wipes too. I have never noticed any spots on you. Granted, our relationship is mainly via Messenger these days. But still...Fab funny post Mrs H :)

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    1. I don't know what it is about face wipe packets, but they never stick down the way they're meant to. Voila! Dry tissues! Thanks for not noticing the spots. I guarantee you will now!

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  5. Oh , I'd forgotten the toothpaste tip ... the main reason why I stopped buying the red, white and blue striped stuff . Too weird looking !

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    1. Ha ha! That creates such a brilliant visual image!

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  6. I keep looking at the back of my hands & thinking, " it's horrible this ageing thing "

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    1. What's worse is to put those hands under one of those fast hand dryers so that it sends your loose skin north, south, east and west. Scary.

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  7. I'm laughing at this, because I relate. And I'm very grateful your wipes were only as dry as stage fright.

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    1. Good - it's not just me, then! Thanks, Bev.

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  8. I sympathise but you can comfort yourself with the thought that when you're as old as I am, and look back at photos of yourself now, you'll be bowled over by your (relative) beauty.

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  9. The trick with toothpaste is to apply it before going to bed, then it is washed off in your morning shower.

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