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Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Reasons why Fran turns a blind eye to escapee Hoovers

I was out for a walk this morning and saw a man bring a vacuum cleaner out of his house and park it at the top of his drive. I have no idea why. Perhaps he was taking it to be mended and was about to load it into his car.

Anyway, he parked it, and went back into the house.

As I walked past the house, the vacuum cleaner, which was on tiny wheels, began to take on a life of its own, as though it had waited all this time for freedom, and made its way down the path which had a slight incline. It started slowly and picked up speed. I swear it took a sneaky look behind it, like a wayward child would.

What would you have done if you'd seen this happening?

I stood there watching it.

It was halfway down the path when the man came back out, saw what was happening, raced down and grabbed it before it got on a bus to Stratford and had a day out or left the country for a new life in Bolivia.

The man looked my way, but pretended not to see me. He looked sheepish, as though it were a matter for shame, having lost control of a household implement.

Likewise, I pretended I had seen nothing, and walked on, eyes straight ahead.

This 'pretending not to see' ... is it a British thing? If I were an Italian or an Iraqi, would I have bolted across to rescue the vacuum cleaner? Or yelled 'Hey! Your vacuum cleaner is running away!' so that the man would run back out to see what was happening?

Perhaps my reaction was based on political correctness. You know how it's not the done thing now to intervene if you see someone else's child misbehaving? Gone are the days when you could clip someone else's child around the ear for scrumping your apples, or drag him back to his mum's house when you'd caught him riding his bike in the middle of the road. You'd find yourself in court.

So, if it had been the man's teenager outside the house, dropping litter on the drive or screeching swearwords at a neighbour, would I have said anything? We don't like to embarrass a fellow human now. We avoid the suggestion that they're the worst example of parenting since Lady Macbeth who would have, had she broken a promise like Macbeth did, plucked her nipple from her baby's boneless gums and dashed its brains out.

Don't hold back, Lady M. Say how you feel.



Henry had been planning this for years. All he needed was that open door and a driveway with a slope. 



Other things I pretend not to see.

Basil in between people's teeth.

Dresses accidentally tucked into knickers.

Lunch leftovers on someone's jumper.

I would definitely pretend not to see these things.

Basil tucked into people's knickers.

Knickers in between people's teeth.

Lunch leftovers in people's knickers.

Knickers tucked into Basil's lunch.

Leftover teeth in someone's knickers.




If you'd seen the escapee Hoover, what would you have done?


22 comments:

  1. I would have shouted, "Hey, runaway vacuum cleaner in aisle one".and then gone on my merry way seeing as I'm way to gimpy to chase it down myself.

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    1. That made me smile. 'In aisle one'!

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  2. If the Hoover was close enough to me, I would have stood in its way and asked it "where do you think you're going?" like I once did with a runaway empty stroller, and loud enough so the owner would hear and come to get his property.
    I will never understand how dresses can get caught up in knickers and not be noticed by the wearer, surely they'd feel the breeze and the extra bulk where the dress is?

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    1. You are so right about the knickers. How do people not know?

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  3. So the vacuum cleaner just happened to start rolling as you passed, did it? Go on, admit it, you nudged it with your foot to start its escape, didn't you? ;-)

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  4. One escaping vacuum cleaner is no big deal. If they all go together and begin gathering... lurking in sinister groups on street corners... holding up banners saying (obviously) 'Our life sucks!'... well, then it's time to worry.

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    1. Brilliant! You win 'funniest comment of the day'.

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  5. Was it chanting "Free at last!!"?

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    1. It may have been. Let me just consult my English/Hooverish dictionary ...

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  6. Did it have a little knotted hanky full of its spare bags tied on the end of a stick over its shoulder?

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    1. Ah bless! I can really see that image!

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  7. I'd just have thought it was Recycling day .

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    1. What a considerate vacuum cleaner, going off to recycle itself!

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  8. Pretending not to see isn't for the British only. I pretend not to see plenty of things, but if a child is in danger, I regain my sight. I've also had a number of people very kindly tell me that I had tucked my skirt into my undies. I manage to do that regularly. It's the sort of person I am.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I am very wary about telling people, that's the problem. I once told a lady she didn't need her umbrella up because it had stopped raining and she gave me the Look of Death.

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  9. I am on holiday right now. While paying for a new top the shop keeper pointed out that my own top was now inside out. I couldn't face the climb to the changing rooms again so simply took the offending top off and corrected it much to the shop keepers amusement and the surprise of the blokes outside and my own daughter's, " mum ! "

    So yes, I would have run after the offending vacuum cleaner as I have no shame.

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    1. I bet you brightened up everyone's day!

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  10. Very funny post, and great comments !

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    1. I love people's comments, too, Frances. And it's fabulous for a blogger when people take the time, AND are funny!

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  11. I'd probably have left the vacuum to its escape plan, but I do (as tactfully as possible) tell people about dresses tucked in knickers and the like. I hope they'd do the same for me.

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    1. You are a proper responsible citizen, Patsy.

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