Reasons why Fran and Santa aren't speaking

Dear Santa

Thanks so much for the streaming cold, tickly throat and stuffed-up head and for delivering them all early so that I get to enjoy them throughout the entire Christmas period. Your thoughtfulness is touching.

Fran



Dear Fran

I assure you that I did not deliver you the streaming cold, tickly throat and stuffed-up head. I bear you no ill-will, despite the caustic letter I received from you early this year about last Christmas's presents and how disappointed you were that I could not source the recipe books you wanted.

Santa


Dear Santa

I am sorry if I over-reacted. But I was looking forward to receiving my copies of 'One-Cal Cakes' and 'Eat Like a Piggy: Look Like a Supermodel'.

Fran


Dear Fran

I understand you are a Dickens fan. Have you read 'Great Expectations'? I have a spare copy I could deliver, if you wish.

Santa


Dear Santa

How would the world's children react if they knew you had such a sarcastic edge to your tongue? That's like finding out that the Fairy Godmother put drawing pins in Cinderella's slippers. Or barbed wire in her ball gown.

Fran


Dear Fran

I apologise. But I do feel you should take a more realistic view. I thought we'd talked this through the year you asked for the 'Transform any Middle-aged Male into George Clooney' kit and the book about making bedsocks look sexy.

Santa


Dear Santa

For now, if you could source a copy of 'Look Alluring Despite Puffy Eyes and a Red Nose', that would be sufficient.

Fran


Dear Fran

Rudolph says that if you want tips on coping with  I'm afraid that book isn't available either. I do hope you recover soon.

Santa


Proof of what we all secretly thought - that Santa's hands are made of brussels sprouts 



Comments

  1. Hahahaha! Brilliant. And your blog looks different. Really modern and new-look. Or has it been that way for a while? (Am not detail person about such things) Love the Santa letters though...

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    1. Thanks! And I'm glad you like the new look. It was an impulse thing but I think it's better. x

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  2. LOL! I was smiling until I got to the Rudolph line and then it turned into a hearty chuckle that scared the cat :) Thank you for this. And I hope your cold clears up quickly so you can enjoy at least SOME of the Christmas spirit (or spirits, as the case may be ...)

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    1. Thank you, Jenny! I'm sorry about the cat ;)

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  3. I loved this post--very original & clever!!

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    1. Thanks, fishducky! I love you too ;)

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  4. Bah Humbug to colds at Christmas. I hope you get lemons and honey in your stocking and perhaps a bottle of whisky. Happy Christmas xx

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    1. Thank you so much, BadPenny. I hope so too!

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  5. If you ever do get a copy of "Eat Like a Piggy: Look Like a Supermodel," can I read it after you?

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    1. If I ever get a copy, I shall buy many many more, sell them and become a billionaire!

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  6. Seems to me your Christmas lists were quite reasonable and Santa is just plain mean. The cold has been trying to visit here and we've been staving it off with ecchinacea and vitamin C.....I hope yours eases off for the 'day of' so you can enjoy it. Merry Christmas.

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    1. I'm glad you see it this way, Only. I feel even more justifiably aggrieved now. Merry Christmas!!

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  7. Santa can be a real butthead. How dare he not give you everything that you want? I'm fed up with him. He don't give me nuttin'.

    Love,
    Janie, who adores the title of the upcoming book

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    1. Santa is a butthead/And Janie thinks so too/If Fran and Janie think so/It's obviously true. Janie, this is the first verse of my new Christmas carol. Do you like it? And I'm so glad you like the title of the book - everyone's said so and it makes me hopeful that it'll fly off the shelves!

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  8. He gave me that cold too and yet didn't come and feed the fifteen people waiting for their Christmas dinner, who didn't understand that I wanted to go to bed and be pampered and be brought dainty trifles and honey and lemon. Hope you're feeling better.

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    1. Fifteen?!! Arrggh. Well done for getting through! I'm much better, thanks - it was Boxing Day I began to stop saying Berry Chrisbus and managed the right consonants.

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