Evidence that Fran's bus - and joy - have been tooken away

They've taken away my bus.

Or, as my 5 year old granddaughter might put it, 'They've tooken away my bus.'

I'll get back to the bus in a moment.

You've got to love junior grammar. It's not until they're about 7 or 8 that they've fully grasped irregular verb endings. So, she's still saying things like 'I talkid to the man' or 'I rided my bike and wented to the park where I eated my icecream.'

Who can blame her? It's an unjust world of irregular verbs. You emerge from the womb. You learn the verb 'to eat'. You hear someone say, 'I wouldn't have minded. You think, 'Hey, so, mind becomes minded in the past tense. This means that, on the end of verbs, if you want the past tense, you use -ed. I'm going to have a go. Hey, Ma. I eated my dinner.'

'No, dear. It's not eated. It's ate.'

You WHAT?

Okay, try this one, Ma. I heard someone say they walked in the garden. So, sometimes the 'ed' works like that. 'Hey, Ma. I goed in the garden.'

'No, dear. It's not goed. It's went.'

You WHAT?

Let me try this one on Ma. I've heard someone say that they broke a toy. Their toy was broken. That's weird. Wouldn't it be broked? I'll have a go at using this, nevertheless.

'Hey, Ma. He took my toy. My toy was tooken.'

'No, dear. It's not tooken. It's taken.'

You WHAT?

You have to feel for them.

Anyway, back to having my bus tooken away.

My regular bus to and from work and indeed the one I ride all day every day to everywhere was called the G1. It was so called because it was Gold. They were called Goldline buses.

Here's one. Yeah, I know, right. What a beauty. Now you understand why having it tooken away hurts.

Why were they tooken away? Because they were smaller than average, and now that the bus service is being cut from every 10 minutes to every 12, they need bigger ones. (It was every 7 minutes when we first moved here 10 years ago.)

The gold buses have been sent to Wales. Some of our replacement buses have clearly been swapped for them as a sign now says CROESO as I get on, which means welcome.

Not only were my buses gold, but inside, they had blue leather seats. Italian leather, so it said on the blurb. Hand-tanned, I believe, by muscular Italian bare-chested men with black slicked-back hair and deep bass voices, singing while they worked.

Not only were the seats lined with Italian leather hand-tanned by .... what I just said ..... but they were high-backed. This had several advantages and I have tooken advantage of them all:

1. I could have a little nap if riding from Leamington to Warwick and no one would know. I'm good at cat-napping, and just five minutes with a bit of shut-eye and I'm a different woman. Not so different that I become Kate Winslet, more's the pity, but different enough to feel more alert. (On the replacement buses, without high-backed seats, my head nods forward and I look like a drunk or one of those nodding dogs that people put on their dashboards.)

2. High backed seats meant no one was sitting behind me assessing my hair, or the way one of my ears sticks out more than the other, or a spot on the back of my neck I hadn't noticed. (But on the replacement buses, they can see it all, and may have tooken a photo, and may have Facebooken it.)

3. Neither did I have to stare at the back of anyone else's head or plunge my nose into their hairdo every time the bus driver had putten on the brakes suddenly.

4. I was free to watch funny cat videos on my phone or eat three packets of Maltesers or a family pack of cashew nuts, and no one was watching me unless they were adjacent to me across the aisle, and even then, they could only give me sideways lookens, which aren't so bad.

I have tooken up enough of your time. Suffice to say, the replacement buses are not croeso as far as I'm concerned. Yes, they are bigger. Yes, they have more space. But this just means more people are on the bus, staring at my ears or typing 'There's a woman on this bus who's just eaten three packets of Maltesers.'

I've tooken umbrage.