Reasons why sparrowhawks should be called Edward

A sparrowhawk visited our garden yesterday, perching on a garden chair for a minute to show itself off and play a game of who'll blink first with a sparrow. The sparrow made a hasty exit and the sparrowhawk flew off, meal-less.

It's not surprising. If a sparrowhawk wants more success, it should rename itself Edward or Marmaduke, something that gives the sparrows no clue. With a name like Sparrowhawk, it might as well announce its approach with a megaphone and a big sign saying, 'Say your prayers, little sparrows. Here come my claws.'

Hm ... perhaps Norman? Philip? Percy? 


Imagine if humans did the same so that, instead of being called Colin or Jake, people who broke into others' houses were called Burglar or Thief, or those who attacked others on the streets and stole their phones were named Mugger or Pickpocket.

It would make life so much easier and the police would be able to put their feet up and brew a cuppa.

'Oh hi. Welcome to the team here at Financial Solutions. First day here?'

'Yes, I'm the new assets manager. I'm looking forward to working with you.'

'What's your name?'

'Fraudster Brown.'


OR

'Okay, well, thanks for taking on the cleaning job in our country mansion.'

'No worries. You can trust me with all these valuables.'

'Good, good. What did you say your name was?'

'Kleptomaniac Smith.'

OR

'Right, son, welcome to your first day at Fred's Garage as an apprentice.'

'Thanks, mate. I'm looking forward to working with the cars.'

'What did you say your name was?'

'Joyride Parsons.'


I honestly don't know why I haven't had a call from the Home Office, bearing in mind all my innovative ideas for improving the crime rate.


'




Comments

  1. Hahaha! Who thought up the stupid name for that bird?! This had me laughing out loud.

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  2. Well, that would certainly solve a LOT of problems!

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad you think so. I am quite proud of myself.

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  3. I don't know why you haven't been tapped yet, either -- seems like a brilliant plan to me :D

    Seems a bit odd that the sparrowhawk would land and sit, delaying nabbing the sparrow. Maybe he was having an existential crisis or something!

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    Replies
    1. Our garden chairs are quite nice, to be fair.

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  4. You suggest 'Philip' as a name for the sparrowhawk!? I'm honoured. Or perhaps it should work the other way around, because I'm considering changing my name to "Sparrowhawk Davies". What do you think? ;-)

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    Replies
    1. Consider it done. Looking forward to our next meeting ;)

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  5. Seems to me there'd be an awful lot of "Burglars" "Fraudsters" and "Roadrage Smiths" in the world. Not to mention a million or so "Shoot'em up" Quickes.

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    Replies
    1. This is true. I hadn't thought of this complication. Burglar 1, Burglar 2, Burglar 3 etc etc?

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  6. The astonishing thing is that there are people whose names exactly match their occupation.- and sometimes their moral character... which of course made Dickens' task easier when he went through local directories for characters' names.

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    Replies
    1. My favourite one is our local solicitors, Sheila, the one called Wright Hassall. That always makes me laugh.

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  7. We were once sold a car by a man called Crook.

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  8. Do you think there was a single parent anywhere who actually christened her son Marmaduke last year? Or Montmorency?
    Though I have come across a Treasure and a Rainbow recently…...

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