Reasons why Fran is having withdrawal symptoms
'Ooh, thanks for the reminder.'
I've been hooked on mackerel paté since our August fortnight in Whitby, a seaside town on the North Yorkshire coast. I ate so much mackerel paté in that fortnight that I began to smell the same as Whitby harbour in high summer. Even splashing on Coco Chanel perfume didn't mask it, and seagulls began to circle above my head when we went out for walks. I swear my eyes began to move to the sides of my head.
I typed in 'mackerel paté'.
Two options came up.
1. Mackerel paté for humans, called 'Smoked mackerel paté'.
But it was 'currently unavailable'. At least there was another option, but this was .....
2. Mackerel paté for cats, called 'Gourmet Gold Paté with Ocean Fish'.
I have the following questions.
1. Since when did cats eat paté?
2. Why does the cat paté sound a hundred times more appealing than the human paté?
3. How come Tesco thinks it acceptable to offer the human option and the cat option together as though they were interchangeable, and would taste the same on toast or a cream cracker?
4. How come cat paté has 'ocean fish'? Where has the human mackerel come from?
5. How is cat paté 'gourmet'? Do they eat it in the top restaurants, sitting up at crisp white tablecloths with serviettes tucked into their collars?
6. Why is cat paté 'gold'? It's for a cat, not a visiting monarch.
7. Where is the picture of the cute human?
8. How come cats don't get the bad news about the calories and fat content?
9. Why don't cats also get patronised with the serving suggestion (put it in a bowl with a sprig of parsley)?
10. Is a feline that regularly eats such refined food called a caté?
Clearly, if I want mackerel paté, I will have to wait. Meanwhile, all the cats in Warwickshire have their every need fulfilled.
No, not bitter. Not bitter at all.