Evidence that not all Santa's gifts are welcome


Dear Santa Claus

Thank you so much for the early Christmas present. Although a body covered in hives wasn't top of my wish list and neither did it substitute for the Sean Bean duvet cover I asked for, it made for an original gift.

You delivered the rash on 7 December, completely unexpectedly, and I'm still not sure of the cause. I can't say it was a particularly welcome gift. On the other hand, it did last an entire week, unlike most boxes of Milk Tray or bottles of pink gin would have.

Also, it was one of those gifts that just keeps surprising its recipient. One minute it was mild and pink, like a pair of soft ladies' pyjamas, say, and the next, it was furious and festering, like the inside of a volcano. But who wants Christmas gifts with only one facet to them?

It being an early gift, I hope you don't mind that I hid it from the general public as far as I could. When it crept up to my neck, for example, I swathed myself in a scarf I could have wrapped around the whole earth. When it stole down my arms and arrived on the back of my hands, I kept my hands in my pockets, although that made Christmas shopping difficult as no shopkeeper likes customers selecting items with their teeth.

When the hives leapt up my face and landed on my forehead in large red weals, I stayed in the house in case people called the fire brigade or insisted I carry a bell around with me.

How thoughtful of you, too, to include with the hives a free accessory - the itch of all itches. This was the gift that, literally, kept on giving. What generosity! Some days I thought it had offered all it had and was receding, but, no, BOOM! off it went again.

Santa, I'm writing now to ask for something different next year. Although the gift of sudden and ferocious hives was certainly a surprise and offered experiences new to me, I really would prefer a change for Christmas 2020. Here are some ideas, in case you're struggling and tempted to send me an episode of gout or an intestinal disorder:

1. The Sean Bean duvet cover already mentioned.
2. A cookbook called 'Diet Pies'
3. A self-help book 'The Slothful Millionaire'
4. Kate Winslet's genes
5. Sean Bean pillowcases (see above)
6. Sean Bean in person.

I suspect that requests like Number 6 in my list are the kind of high expectations that make you want to send people virulent rashes, if not boils, carbuncles and other evil lesions.

But, just in case, I thought I'd whack it in there.

I'm itching very keen to receive your reply.

Yours,

Fran


Rash




Lush 







Comments

  1. Debra She Who Seeks18/12/19 07:16

    I hope you get Wish #6 and that you do not prove to be allergic to Sean Bean as well. Have a wonderful, itch-free Christmas, Fran!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill18/12/19 08:40

      Arrggh! I didn't even think of that! So far in my life, I haven't suffered allergy to any kind of bean, so I live in hope. Happy Christmas, and thanks so much for following this year and for your lovely witty comments. xx

      Delete
  2. jenny_o18/12/19 16:01

    Oh, how awful!

    And yet how funny you have made it for us - thank you :)

    I hope you've seen the last of the hives and never have to suffer them again. And I hope you get your duvet, at the very least! Merry Christmas, Fran!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill19/12/19 02:34

      Thanks so much, Jenny - and thanks for following this year and for all your great comments! I hope, too, that the hives were a one-off ...

      Delete
  3. River18/12/19 19:38

    Oh no! that looks like my son's body now and again. He's 38 and we haven't a clue what causes his break outs. He was allergic to wool as a baby, also to various creams the baby clinic nurse suggested for the rash. I ended up covering him in nappy rash cream and it seemed to work. Now his problem could be anything from food to washing powders, or simply a sweat rash. but he goes out and buys his own ointments these days.
    I hope you find the cause for your outbreak and get it cleared up quickly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. River18/12/19 19:42

    It also looks a little like measles which is making a comeback and is rife in Samoa right now, having already killed several people. Were you a little headachy and feverish a few days before the rash? Like you were getting a cold?
    I hope not!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill19/12/19 02:36

      Hi River - no, not ill in any other way. I'd heard about the measles comeback and have to say I had a moment of panic about that, but no. Interesting what you say above about your son. My suspicion (my sister suggested this) is that it may have been caused by wearing some new jumpers I'd bought but hadn't washed first. There might have been some chemicals in them or something especially as the rash was mainly upper body.

      Delete
    2. River19/12/19 19:44

      Your sister is probably right, I know I get itchy, but without the rash when I wear anything new that isn't first washed. although new tshirts are usually okay.

      Delete
  5. Sarah Sansbury19/12/19 01:03

    I am in so many hoots of (sympathetic) laughter that the local owl appreciation league has just sent me an invitation to join, and local cats are fleeing the area in startled droves!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill19/12/19 02:37

      Thank you, Sal! Your comment made me laugh. I'm actually quite jealous that you've had an invitation from the local owl appreciation league as that sounds fun.

      Delete
  6. Deborah Jenkins19/12/19 15:43

    I loved this post so much even though I know how irritating and frustrating it must have been to have the rash for so long. But you've made it so funny. When it struck your neck, I hope you reread another of my favourite of your blog posts, the one about how to tie a scarf, from a while ago!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill22/12/19 07:03

      I didn't at the time, but I have now. You mean this one? http://ilurveenglish.blogspot.com/2014/02/evidence-that-fran-may-be-better-off.html

      Delete
  7. Diana Studer26/12/19 13:19

    Is it all better now?
    I used to have terrible eczema as a child, but learnt to avoid what I needed to. Wool was one of the first things I learnt to escape.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill28/12/19 09:06

      Diana, that's kind of you - yes, it is all better now. It lasted an entire week and I was glad to see the back of that particular week! I feel so sorry for anyone who has eczema or other itchy conditions chronically, and children especially. Unfair!

      Delete
  8. Barb31/12/19 15:27

    I had never experienced allergies until BAM I suddenly got a contact allergy about 6 years ago. I now must avoid that irritant diligently (which I've learned to do). Glad yours was of short duration though it never seems short when you're in the throes of it. Happy 2020 (no rashes or hives and a possibility of at least 2-3 of your wishes...)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill8/1/20 07:20

      Thanks for this, Barb. You must have been as surprised as I was - not thinking of ourselves as people susceptible to allergy. Happy hive-free 2020 to you, too! x

      Delete
  9. SmitoniusAndSonata31/12/19 16:46

    Years ago the nuns decided to make games lessons trendy and we all had to buy our daughters new pink track suits with the school badge on the jacket.
    Youngest turned out to be highly allergic to hers and writhed, wriggled and jiggled for a week till the calamine lotion worked its magic.
    Much to the nuns disappointment, it turned out that she wasn't the only one, so the school never did have a trendy pink netball team to display.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill8/1/20 07:21

      Oh, poor thing! I can really sympathise with the idea of writhing and wriggling and jiggling. Such torture :(

      Delete
  10. Terra 9/1/20 19:48

    If Sean Bean visits you, could you ask him to visit me next?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill10/1/20 02:09

      You. Are. Number. Seven-hundred-and-fifty-three. In. The. Queue. ;)

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are defin...
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set ...
Read more

Reasons why Fran can get a 90,000 word novel down to a haiku if she's paid enough

Image
My first published story was in ‘Your Cat’ magazine.  (Don’t laugh … we all have to start somewhere.)  I sent the editor a 1500-word story.  She said she liked it (great!) and would publish it (fantastic!) but that I should cut it by a third and tighten up my style.  Ah.  Not so good. I loved every word of that story.  I gave birth to each one in pain and suffering, so there was NO WAY, absolutely NO WAY I was going to cut or change them.  I was determined.  I would stick to my guns.  She could forget it.  My mind was made up. Then she said she’d pay me £200 if I did the alterations.  I wavered for a whole nano-second.  U-turn Queen, that’s me, when it comes to hard cash. The editing of that heart-warming story about a couple who rediscover their love when their cat has a crisis (it was a real sick-bucket saga) taught me loads.  I hated making the changes.  I felt like a murderer, slashing and s...
Read more