Being Me

Look, all I'm saying is, what's distressing to one person may not be distressing to another.  I just feel I need to say that before I tell you ..... Actually, I'm not sure I can bring myself to say it ... I just can't express it - the trauma is still with me ... Maybe I'll just leave it until another day, when the pain has eased .... Okay, I'll tell you.  Just don't blame me if you end up sobbing. Ready?  Got your hanky? Here goes. This morning, on the way to work, a drip from a very-recently-watered hanging basket above my head fell on my glasses and made me jump. Okay, I'll give you a moment to mop up the tears.  Sorry to share such disheartening news.  I know that, right now, you're sharing my distress. Hey, what is that noise?  Is that ... is that ... laughter? Whaddya mean, mwa hah hah hah hah? Look, sunshine.  You may laugh, and think that's trivial, but if y ou're walking along the pavement/sidewalk/...

The tragic tale of Snow White and the Severed Dwarfs in which blood-thinning tablets take much of the blame and Jamie Oliver gets some free publicity Once upon a time, there was a beautiful queen, who had always wanted to feature in a Gothic tale.  So, one day, while sewing, she deliberately stabbed herself in the finger so that three drops of blood would fall on the snow outside the window.  Unfortunately, she had forgotten that the medication she was taking to thin her blood after a recent clot in her left ankle might make limiting it to three drops difficult.  She lost fourteen pints in all and although she did feature in the Gothic tale as she wished, it was only for three sentences as a Queen and then the rest as a corpse. This meant that she didn't get to say her lines, which would have been, 'Oh, how I wish I had a beautiful daughter who had lips as red as that blood and skin as white as that snow', which was a little awkward, this being a major plot point. ...

' Yeah, so she gave me a black eye.  Look.  If a lady says, 'You think I should shave more often?' you mean a guy's not allowed to give an honest reply?' Okay, so I don't look quite as bad as he does, but I'm still walking round looking like a victim of a mugging with a purple and yellow bruise above my left eye.  In fact, for the first time in my life, I wish I had been the victim of a mugging, as it is less embarrassing to admit this than to admit that you poked yourself in the eyelid with a sharp fingernail in the night. When I say I poked myself in the eyelid 'with a sharp fingernail', I ought to make it clear that the fingernail was attached to my finger at the time.  I don't want you getting the idea that I keep a little store of sharp fingernails on my bedside table at night (like others keep guns, or kitchen knives) in case of intruders.  Imagine.  'Give me back my jewellery, you varmint, or I'll dig this three-inch shard of...

Okay, so it's pretty, but how come the dots look further apart once I put it on? So, I'm at the bus stop (where else?), and an old lady with a full beard, a bit of last night's custard pie stuck to her lips and that Look of the Somewhat-Crazed says to me in a loud voice in front of a queue of other people, 'Oooh, my dear, you DO look attractive!' I'm wearing my polka-dot Laura Ashley cardigan (Laura Ashley being the new Calvin Klein - don't let anyone tell you any different) so no wonder she's spotted me (HA HA HA HA HA), even though her spectacles are thick with what looks like pork grease.  (Mother, you can't clean your glasses with the bit of kitchen towel you wrapped your bacon sandwich in.)  But I don't exactly resemble Kate Moss - see picture caption. Anyway, after this distressing incident, I have some questions.  (Yes, more.  Ssh.) 1. If an old lady with a beard like a Moses impersonator finds me attractive, is it finally time for m...

Okay, so the days of PING are over.  But there is still fun to be had.  Did I write all of the signs I saw on the bus today in my diary as I rode home (in very wobbly writing)?  Yes, I did. Does this say something about my immature and puerile sense of humour?  Yes, it does. Do I care?  Nope. SIGN 1 Here's the sign at the front of the G1 bus about the bus's capacity, exactly as it's set out. Seating         26         up to        29 Standing       16         up to        12 1 wheelchair for 5 standees I have some questions. 1. Standing ... 16 up to  12?  Can someone explain? 2. What is a standee when it's at home?  Who's getting paid fifty grand a year to make up silly words to put on bus signs just to sound official?  I hope the summer flowers in their extensive landscaped garden wilt. 3. Whatever a st...

This is a real photograph of my regular bus.  G1 bus, I love you.  Especially when you PING. When I was on the bus recently, the sign that says 'STOPPING' which lights up whenever someone presses the bell had something wrong with it.  The lights behind the STOP bit had failed, so the only bit that lit up was the PING.  You'd think this would have only made me giggle the first time I noticed it.  But it didn't.  Someone pressed the bell to stop the bus.  PING.  Chortle chortle.  Someone else pressed it.  PING.  Chortle chortle. Someone else.  PING.  Chortle chortle. I couldn't wait for my turn to make the PING light up.  I was so desperate for my moment.  I hovered my finger over the button as we approached my stop, grinning like an idiot.  I couldn't risk someone making it PING before I did.  That would have ruined my day.  So, PING, I went.  Chortle chortle.  And it took all my wil...

(IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD THIS STORY BEFORE, YOU PROBABLY HAVE: Stan has pointed out that it happened in 2008, but it's still on the 'most-read' list on the BBC website.  I can see why it's had a long life ..... ) Sign makers in Swansea sent an email to a translator at Swansea Council, asking for the English to Welsh translation for a no entry message to be put on a sign.  They got a message back straight away, bunged it on a sign under the English version, and hurried along to put up the sign. The only thing is  .. the Welsh translation says, " I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated". Here's the story, for as long as the link lasts ...