Okay, so it's pretty, but how come the dots look further apart once I put it on?
So, I'm at the bus stop (where else?), and an old lady with a full beard, a bit of last night's custard pie stuck to her lips and that Look of the Somewhat-Crazed says to me in a loud voice in front of a queue of other people, 'Oooh, my dear, you DO look attractive!'
I'm wearing my polka-dot Laura Ashley cardigan (Laura Ashley being the new Calvin Klein - don't let anyone tell you any different) so no wonder she's spotted me (HA HA HA HA HA), even though her spectacles are thick with what looks like pork grease. (Mother, you can't clean your glasses with the bit of kitchen towel you wrapped your bacon sandwich in.) But I don't exactly resemble Kate Moss - see picture caption.
Anyway, after this distressing incident, I have some questions. (Yes, more. Ssh.)
1. If an old lady with a beard like a Moses impersonator finds me attractive, is it finally time for me to sign up for laser treatment?
2. Scrub that. If an old lady with a beard like a Moses impersonator finds me attractive, is it finally time to travel to a clinic in Switzerland and just end it all quietly?
3. Is it possible that she thought the spots on my cardigan were (tidily) spilled cream and felt she'd found a soulmate at last?
4. Is it significant that the only person who has said 'Oooh, you do look attractive' to me in the last seventeen years had the Look of the Somewhat-Crazed?
5. Is the bus shelter now the new pick-up location and the dance club SO last year? Why have I never heard anyone say, then, 'I met this well hot bloke while waiting for the G1 to Whitnash?'
6. Bearing in mind the greasy spectacle lenses, did she think I was an escaped leopard who needed mollifying? Is this why she looked surprised when I said, 'Thank you. One tries.'
7. Is it significant that, when she said I looked attractive, the whole queue of people looked at the ground as if they'd all suddenly seen a spare twenty pound note? Are they all updating their blogs right now with this funny story about a woman going to a fancy dress party as a constellation being picked up by an octogenarian?
8. Has she seen me there lots of times before, found me singularly unattractive, hence the stress on the word DO this time? And even if this were so, is it worrying that I am even speculating about this? Am I in denial and really found this old lady wearing a beard and some old custard attractive myself?
9. Has my Laura Ashley polka-dot cardigan not suddenly taken on a whole new set of associations? Am I ever going to be able to wear it again without crossing the road whenever I see any ladies over the age of 75?
10. If I take a different bus for a while, is that an over-reaction?
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