Reasons for keeping a wet cloth with you at all times
Vanity of vanities, all is vanity, said someone in the Old Testament.
I looked this statement up in a newer translation of the Bible and it roughly translates as this:
'Serves you right, loser, for buying lip plumper lipgloss and thinking it would make you look like you had inside out lips worthy of any giant fish with an allergy issue when all it did was shine up your Thin Lips for everyone to see more clearly. Serves you right for thinking you could get away with keeping the lip gloss in your handbag without realising that unless you put the lid on really tightly it would leak its glutinous fluid so that every time you pulled it out of your bag in public, there would be a spare panty pad sticking to it. Serves you right for not realising that as well as displaying your spare panty pad to the world, it would also at various times stick itself to your a) mini sewing kit, b) packet of tissues and c) Cafe Nero loyalty card, making all your friends and family wonder why you couldn't just fetch these basic items out of your handbag yourself without needing a leaking lip gloss to help you. How about your fingers? Those ones God gave you for fine motor control tasks? Are they not sufficient?'
It's been a generally very sticky day today, what with all of the above, and the fact that I made up a new recipe this morning that went very wrong.
A recipe that went very wrong
Ingredients and utensils needed
One cinnamon and raisin bagel
One third of a jar of Nutella chocolate spread
One spreading knife
One large cleaning cloth
Fourteen litres of soapy water
Method
Slice the bagel in half and toast it. Feel smug, because you are not going to butter it as well as put one third of a jar of Nutella chocolate spread on it,so technically it is a diet food. Forget, however, that chocolate melts on hot toast. Feel smug, because the bagel has a hole in it, so technically is a diet food. Forget that the hole in the middle of the bagel, though absent of calories, may cause you a problem when spreading one third of a jar of Nutella chocolate spread on the bagel. Spread the one third of a jar of Nutella onto the two halves of the hot bagel. Sandwich the two halves together. Pick up the bagel to eat it. When the nearly-one-third of a jar of Nutella chocolate spread lands on the floor, having dripped through the hole in the bagel, spend a long, long time applying the final two ingredients to the floor, your face and your clothes. Finish the bagel while leaning over the kitchen sink.
My experience with the chocolate this morning prompted me to go and search for that clip from 'The Vicar of Dibley' ... the incident with the chocolate fountain. Don't worry if you've never seen the show before. It won't spoil your appreciation ....
Follow the link below.
A woman who knows what her priorities are
I looked this statement up in a newer translation of the Bible and it roughly translates as this:
'Serves you right, loser, for buying lip plumper lipgloss and thinking it would make you look like you had inside out lips worthy of any giant fish with an allergy issue when all it did was shine up your Thin Lips for everyone to see more clearly. Serves you right for thinking you could get away with keeping the lip gloss in your handbag without realising that unless you put the lid on really tightly it would leak its glutinous fluid so that every time you pulled it out of your bag in public, there would be a spare panty pad sticking to it. Serves you right for not realising that as well as displaying your spare panty pad to the world, it would also at various times stick itself to your a) mini sewing kit, b) packet of tissues and c) Cafe Nero loyalty card, making all your friends and family wonder why you couldn't just fetch these basic items out of your handbag yourself without needing a leaking lip gloss to help you. How about your fingers? Those ones God gave you for fine motor control tasks? Are they not sufficient?'
 |
| Fran the Fish realised that wearing lip plumper wasn't everything when she found that some of the side effects included having your eyes suddenly move to the sides of your head and then losing your teeth |
It's been a generally very sticky day today, what with all of the above, and the fact that I made up a new recipe this morning that went very wrong.
A recipe that went very wrong
Ingredients and utensils needed
One cinnamon and raisin bagel
One third of a jar of Nutella chocolate spread
One spreading knife
One large cleaning cloth
Fourteen litres of soapy water
Method
Slice the bagel in half and toast it. Feel smug, because you are not going to butter it as well as put one third of a jar of Nutella chocolate spread on it,so technically it is a diet food. Forget, however, that chocolate melts on hot toast. Feel smug, because the bagel has a hole in it, so technically is a diet food. Forget that the hole in the middle of the bagel, though absent of calories, may cause you a problem when spreading one third of a jar of Nutella chocolate spread on the bagel. Spread the one third of a jar of Nutella onto the two halves of the hot bagel. Sandwich the two halves together. Pick up the bagel to eat it. When the nearly-one-third of a jar of Nutella chocolate spread lands on the floor, having dripped through the hole in the bagel, spend a long, long time applying the final two ingredients to the floor, your face and your clothes. Finish the bagel while leaning over the kitchen sink.
My experience with the chocolate this morning prompted me to go and search for that clip from 'The Vicar of Dibley' ... the incident with the chocolate fountain. Don't worry if you've never seen the show before. It won't spoil your appreciation ....
Follow the link below.
A woman who knows what her priorities are
Nutella is a diet food. Official. In fact, if you kept a handy jar in your handbag you could plump your lips and stick all those pesky items together without worrying about lipgloss.
ReplyDeleteHowever there is a colour factor involved in a jar of Nutella that no amount of explaining would justify it being stuck to certain items!
ReplyDeleteBest kept out of the handbag...instead make it a real diet food, for go the bagel and dip directly into the jar.
Mini sewing kit?
ReplyDeleteAre you related to Ray Mears?
I love it! Maybe it's a bad week for people called Fran (I'm a Fran too, to my friends). It brought back memories of Tampax rolling out of my handbag across a shop floor. Oh, happy days!
ReplyDeleteMy son, who is a doctor, says that chocolate is a fruit. Almost. So at least you've had one of your five-a-day. And there are all those raisins too. Probably another twenty fruit or so.
ReplyDeleteChris - when you say 'official' ....?
ReplyDeleteCharlotte - forgo the BAGEL? Do you KNOW what you're saying?
Steve - I had to look up Ray Mears. I'm not very culturally aware.
Frances - happy indeed. Why do they make them that shape so they roll so easily? No .. don't answer that.
Isabelle - I like your thinking. Very much.
I'm thinking it tasted pretty good - over the sink or however.
ReplyDeletejust eat them in the bath (may also double as a face pack?)
ReplyDeleteMidlife Jobhunter - so it did, and this morning, I managed things a lot better, having learned my lesson from yesterday.
ReplyDeletetedandbunny - may as well - if you'd seen the state of me yesterday you would have thought I'd been trying to use it as a face pack anyway.
Fran, there are quite a few foodstuffs that are better eaten over the sink :)
ReplyDeleteFor a little while here in OZ they were touting Nutella as 'Low GI'. We were quite fascinated as to how they got away with it as it is 50% sugar. 'Low GI' is not on the label anymore.
ReplyDelete