Reasons why the middle-aged should just stay in on Saturdays


1. You go shopping in the afternoon and your rucksack Tesco carrier bag contains a Beyonce Neil Diamond CD, a bag of marijuana boiled sweets and a Simpsons thong calendar reduced from £9.99 to £2.99 because it's mid-April.  It's got pictures of bare-chested boy bands gardens on it.

2. Later, you go to a pub on a Saturday evening with your toyboy husband only to find you are in the midst of a knitting convention 20s-30s football crowd, mainly male, and yelling.  You sit there like a really trendy pair at ease with the situation couple of vulnerable, nervous oldies let out of an institution for the evening, eat your antipasti scampi and chips, then toddle off to explore the clubbing scene home to the sofa where you belong.

3. As you pass the shops on the way to the bus, you look amazingly lithe and supple in a vintage-clothing shop window.  There, surrounded by a display of other examples of Edwardian dress, is a check tweed jacket identical to the one your husband wears to fancy dress parties to weddings, funerals, parties and anywhere else he is forced to pretend he likes looking smart.

4. At the bus stop, although you are at the front of the queue, you allow an elderly pair past you two people in their 40s step back to let you on the bus first.  You say, 'Wanna punch in the face?' 'Oh, thank you very much' graciously, and get on, trying not to put your hand on your hip as you shimmy onto the bus like a belly dancer get up the big steps.

Fran and her husband tried their best to enjoy life.  Alas, an enormous green ball they
hadn't spotted hurtling towards them was about to end it all.





Comments

  1. pembrokeshire lass21/4/12 13:14

    Just love it!!! Thanks. Joan

    ReplyDelete
  2. fishducky21/4/12 13:23

    As for 1, 2, 2 (you have TWO 2's), 3 & 4(even though it's not included)--been there, done that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/4/12 14:00

      Deliberate mistake, of course, fishducky, but I corrected it all anyway. I like to keep you on your toes.

      Delete
  3. stephen Hayes21/4/12 15:30

    I can't remember the last time I was out on a Saturday night. Maybe after a funeral?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill22/4/12 00:44

      Ha ha. And I love the fact you can't remember!

      Delete
  4. fishducky21/4/12 15:31

    Fishduckies have webbed feet--no toes! You were speaking proverbially, of course.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Linens and Royals21/4/12 16:59

    Out on a Saturday Night? never! Can't remember the last time. I love being old enough to go to bed early on Saturday night (and every other night) with a couple of cats and some good books to read.

    ReplyDelete
  6. SmitoniusAndSonata21/4/12 23:23

    Make the most of it !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill22/4/12 00:45

      Are you trying to say I don't have much time left?!!!

      Delete
    2. SmitoniusAndSonata22/4/12 05:42

      Would I be so rude!?
      No , while I was certainly in a "Gather ye rosebuds" frame of mind , I was actually thinking wistfully of the time when I could haul myself onto a bus without puffing .
      But there again , what can you expect ? Apparently I'm officially going to be Elderly in a few months , so Eyore-hood beckons .

      Delete
  7. Sue J21/4/12 23:23

    The thing is, Fran, you forget that others can only see the packaging and not the 35yo who is still living inside the crumpled exterior :) Gravity does nasty things to your body but it can't get at your mind!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill22/4/12 00:45

      'Crumpled exterior' describes it very accurately.

      Delete
  8. Martin22/4/12 00:01

    The only thing I ever ripped up on a Saturday night was a dud lottery ticket. And the only 'jumpin' joints' in my life are where my arms and legs fit on.

    Really enjoyed BBC Four's latest 'Nordic Noir' last night, though, and didn't get to bed until just before midnight. Impressive, eh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill22/4/12 00:46

      You know how to party, Martin, that's for sure.

      Delete
  9. Nick Riches22/4/12 00:20

    That's a relief, I'm glad forty somethings are not classed as middle-aged!

    Mind you, it is frightening that one or two of the above are creeping in... Just off into the garden put my tweed jacket in the incinerator!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill22/4/12 00:47

      I think if the 'something' is a 9, like mine, that's definitely middle-aged! Fifty this Friday. Although my resemblance to Beyonce would mean others would find that hard to believe.

      Delete
  10. Steve22/4/12 00:58

    Nevermind. It's Antique's Roadshow on BBC1 later. That always make me feel better.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ted and bunny22/4/12 01:28

    sounds to me like you had a really exciting Saturday!

    getting older is great you know...I mean, what's the alternative?

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  12. Martin Lower22/4/12 07:21

    Scampi and chips eh? Just the job!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Frances Garrood22/4/12 10:37

    I would be happy to be 50 on Friday. 50 seems a long time ago now, and yesterday, having a cuddle with eleven year old granddaughter i was told that I have " a young face, but an old neck and hands, and a moustache".

    Happy birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Fran Hill22/4/12 13:10

    I will make any granddaughters of mine wear a bag over their head when they're on my lap.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Pamela Kieffer22/4/12 20:22

    I will be 80 in September and really feel quite chipper...must be something in the water.
    Enjoyed your book reports, forgot some of them...nice thing about being elderly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill23/4/12 11:40

      Send me some of that water, Blue Ridge. Thanks for coming over. And I'm glad you like the book reviews. I must update them.

      Delete
  16. Diane Laney Fitzpatrick23/4/12 04:53

    Extremely funny!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Expat mum23/4/12 06:56

    You still go out! Wow! Respect!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Young at Heart24/4/12 06:13

    yeah... Fridays and Saturdays have long been off limits after dark....mnothing for me out there!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Fran Hill24/4/12 23:23

    Ah, there's plenty out there. But can I remember what? Er ... now, just give me a minute ... I'm sure I .... in fact, I know I .... nope, all gone.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sarah Hill27/4/12 02:02

    Come on Mum, at least you could tell the truth. It's not even a Neil Diamond CD - it's Pam Ayres on cassette tape.

    ReplyDelete

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