WHAT YOU'LL FIND ON THIS BLOG

Monday, 22 July 2013

Evidence that Santa's emotional health is still fragile

Dear Fran Hill

Convention would demand that I begin this letter by saying how pleased I was to hear from you.  This being far from the case, however, forgive me for sending a contract killer to your door omitting this.

Most people begin each year making New Year Resolutions, often ones which they have not been able to conquer the previous year.  It is the same, alas, for me.  Each January, I resolve not to give in to the desire to leap off a high wall natural anxiety I feel at the thought that I may, yet again, before the summer is out, receive a letter from you listing unreasonable demands to be met by Christmas.

I have been trying to cope without the tablets and rely just on the weekly therapy sessions, the head massages, the reiki treatments and a warm bath with candles each night, and until this morning, these seem to have kept me level.

And then the shakes post arrived.

At the risk of sounding repetitive (your letters have been arriving yearly since 1974, so it's not easy), I would like to state that I would love to personally stuff one of the elves down your throat until you choke do not stock and never will stock and never have stocked the following books.

1. Flannel Pyjamas and Physical Attraction: the Link

2. Going Grey with Allure

3. Doughnuts with a Hole in the Middle: the new Diet Sensation

4. Top Ten Tips for Making Upper Lip Hair your Best Feature

5. Jimmy Choo Shoes and Swollen Ankles: This Year's Fashion Combo

6. Knit your Own Drop-Dead-Gorgeous Winter Cardigans

7. Johnny Depp's new book: 'Not Meeting Fran Hill: My Regrets'

8. Exercise and Early Death: the Hidden Connections

9. Double Cream with Everything: the New Shock Menopause Remedy

10. Keira Knightley's new book: 'Not Looking Like Fran Hill: My Regrets'


I hope this will be the last time I hear from you.  I have had elves in tears this morning, having recognised the writing on your envelope.  They too remember 2010, the year of my nervous breakdown while I tried to source the Build-Your-Own-Clooney kit and the Low-Calorie-Treacle-Tart for you among other impossibly difficult requests.

It's not something I wish to go through again.

I hope your Christmas sees you garotted with a piece of sparkly ribbon proceeds satisfactorily despite my inability to supply your requests.

Santa

Fran's request for the self-help book 'Slim While You Slump' had also been refused

(You can read other Santa Writes to Me posts right here)

23 comments:

  1. Oh Johnny Depp... what are you missing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saw him on the news the other day and I thought, 'There's a man who hasn't yet found the secret of happiness.' I will carry on waiting until he finds me.

      Delete
    2. I'm very sorry, Fran, but he's not looking for you. He's looking for me.

      Delete
  2. Eh? I thought Keira Knightly did look like you?!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've obviously only met me in the dark.

      Delete
    2. Maybe it's time we progressed from car parks at night?

      Delete
  3. Santa sounds cranky like he needs time off. Interesting since he only works one night of the year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He does, but I keep him busy with stress the other 364.

      Delete
  4. One of your funniest, Fran!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheers, Fishducky. Thanks for reading. x

      Delete
  5. Oh, Johnny! Come to me, my darling. You shed that French whore, and now you can be mine. I realize it's Fran you want, but trust me, I can fill her shoes and more than fill her bra.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This sounds like a song lyric. You know, in the Petrarchan sonnet tradition.

      Delete
    2. Thank you. I am quite a great poet and lyricist.

      Delete
  6. You have confirmed my suspicions - that Santa is an unreasonable, crotchety, mean old blighter as suspected. I see absolutely nothing unreasonable about any of these requests :) You make me laugh out loud Fran :) :) Great post...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good, I'm glad you think I'm being perfectly reasonable. Year on year on year, he claims I'm not, and I don't get it.

      Delete
  7. Sorry , I didn't realise you've been worrying about Christmas already .
    Don't worry , it will all come to pass . Johnny's been delayed by the heatwave and will now be writing his Christmas 2013 run-away bestseller in August instead . Working title : Swept Off My Feet By Fran , The Siren In A Cardi and Pac-A-Mac .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've been looking through my photo albums again!

      Delete
  8. Dear Santa,

    I was very sorry to hear about your problems with Fran. May I suggest that the way forward for you is not a matter of therapy, but a simple need to forgive her from your heart? I'm sure that if you can do that, you will find yourself soon restored to your normal jolly, large-hearted self!

    I hope so, anyway, because I have my own list prepared for submission to you, and you're going to need to be on the ball for this one...

    Yours hopefully,

    Paul Trembling

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Paul

      May I suggest that, if you are in any way connected with Fran Hill, you sever that connection as soon as you possibly can. In fact, I'll do you a deal. Find a way to get rid of her, and you can send me as long a list as you like.

      Yours you-have-no-idea-how-sincerely

      Santa

      Delete
    2. Dear Santa,

      Fran?

      Paul.

      Delete
    3. Dear Paul

      Marry me, you angel.

      Santa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

      Delete
  9. Come & stay with me as I hear the divine Depp has a house in the New Forrest.
    We can have fun searching him out and two must be better than one as we can cover more ground - though of course if I catch him... he's all mine.
    Sadly, I've not spotted him yet though believe me, I have searched.

    ReplyDelete
  10. PS... when I was five, a boy's mum approached my mum in the playground & told her all her son wanted in his stocking was Penny Smith...
    that was ME !!!!

    ReplyDelete