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Friday, 17 April 2015

Reasons why you should avoid reading anything in the mornings

I had a letter from the tax people this morning. It began exactly like this, with the first word in lower case and the rest in forceful capitals:

Hi, MRS FRANCES ANNE HILL

Is it me, or have the tax people not done the training module called 'Achieving a consistent tone'?

On the other hand, I'm more irritated by letters which begin, 'Hiya Fran! We don't know you from Eve, and frankly we don't care, but would you like to donate £3,000 to our worthy cause?'


To distract myself from having to think about tax, I had Special K for breakfast and read the back of the box while eating it. This shows you how desperate I was not to read the tax letter.

There's a current, thrilling 'free personalised spoon' offer from Kelloggs and it goes like this:

1. I save 3 'vouchers' from three different boxes of Special K.
2. I email Kelloggs, giving the voucher numbers.
3. I give them the message I want written on my spoon handle. (I would choose 'I am a fork which does great impersonations.')
4. I tell them which Kelloggs logo I want on the spoon, next to the message.
5. They send me a spoon right away.
6. Correction. They send me a spoon but it might take 90 days to arrive.

90 days? 90 days?

That's a quarter of a year! By then, I could have developed a wheat allergy, or gone on a nothing-that-needs-a-spoon diet, or moved house so the new tenants get a spoon delivery that freaks them out. Or I might have regretted my choice of message, seeing it anew as puerile and the product of a twisted mind.

The 'logo' thing hacks me off. Their aim is to get every household in the country advertising Kellogg's products for free on the handles of all the spoons in Britain.

What's the betting that when my spoon comes, there'll be a letter with it beginning, 'Wotcha, Franny! Your spoon is enclosed, LOL!'


What will yours say?
Mine will say, 'I've been in this package for 90 bloody days and am seriously peed off.'






19 comments:

  1. I like your message for your spoon handle. I would like my own message on a spoon handle even better. Probably "I eat mournful oatmeal." Ninety days is way too long. It would arrive after ninety days, and I would say, What in the hell is this? Whence did it come? I would never order such a thing for my house because I am posh, and also a pseudo-intellectual.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I do absolutely adore your comments, Janie. This one made me laugh out loud, and I needed that this morning.

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  2. The combination of topics here made me laugh - inconsistent tone, and Kelloggs. I live in Belgium, and we've had those spoons advertised in both Dutch and French. On the Cornflakes, it says 'Votre nom' on the spoon, and on the box of the Rice Krispies, it says 'Ton nom'. It always makes me wonder why.

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    1. Honestly, do these cereal companies think we have time in the mornings for puzzling over their inconsistencies? Thanks for your comment, Mwa. I think you might be my only reader from Belgium, so you are very special.

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  3. I spotted that spoon thing, and thought what a nightmare it will be for most families. Parents will endlessly have to find the child's special breakfast spoon, before the child will eat their cereal, and it will add 5 or more stressful minutes to each morning: "It's probably in the dishwasher. No? Well, maybe it's in the drawer. No? Well, perhaps you could just use an ordinary one because it's getting a bit late now, and... No? OK, OK, let's have another look in the drawer..."

    Nobody needs a personalised spoon in their lives.

    I have been so indulgent this morning. To avoid reading anything, I put on a dvd, still in my dressing gown, and I enjoyed the kind of Saturday morning that I really rather despise people for having. I watched Pride and Prejudice - the version with Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfayden. That, my friends, is a better way to start the day than with any personalised spoon.

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    1. You are so right. In fact, even just spending the morning in a dressing gown is better than any personalised spoon. What kind of lives do they think we have, that we need them brightening up with a piece of named cutlery - as you say - that we probably can't find when we need it. Your chaotic family scenario is exactly right.

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    2. I hadn't thought of that, but yes, it's downright insulting. Kellogg's thinks "those saddoes... they'll be grateful for a spoon...". Who do they think we are?

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    3. I believe a petition is in order. Or maybe a march. 'What don't we want? We don't want SPOONS.'

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  4. Does it have to be your name ? Can't you choose BLEUGH or potentiallysoggy ?
    I'd want Porridge on mine .

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    1. Or 'I'd rather be eating toast.' That'll learn 'em.

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  5. Must look out for that offer. Pollyanna has been complaining since she was old enough to realise that there is NEVER anything in the shops with her name on it. I could get her name put on the spoon and give it to her as an Off-to-uni present. What do you think? Absolutely loved this post. I LOLed all the way through. Great start to my weekend :)

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    1. If you send off for it now, it might just come on graduation day.

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  6. Have to say, I've never really been that possessive when it comes to spoon. I'm happy to go with whatever is around. I'm a bit of a spoon bike.

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    1. There are worse reputations one could have.

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  7. I take it Kellogg's will not allow profanity on the spoons? What's the point then?

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    1. You write and ask, and let us know.

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  8. "I am a fork which does great impersonations"
    I love that!!

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    1. I'm not sure it would have fitted on the spoon handle, that's the only thing. Sigh.

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  9. Ohh hell no i need that spoon it has my babys name on it and my baby was tooken from me so i need that spoon

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