Evidence that Fran's view on life today is a warped, bitter one

Some universal truths

1. Disturbances to your radio or TV reception only happen at key cliffhanger moments, not in adverts.

2. Only the newest and best china mugs get dropped. The chipped ones hang on for Armageddon.

3. When your friend is 39, you will remember the birthday and send the card in time. When the friend is 40, their birthday will be on a Monday and you will remember on post-free Sunday.

4. When you need three eggs for a cake, you will find two in the box, which is even more annoying than none.

5. Your neighbour will go to Spain for a week, leaving their unadjusted alarm clock due to beep at seven for an hour, the same week you decide on a staycation.

Fran's neighbour would regret giving her a key ...


6. If you only need to buy a tin of sweetcorn or one carrot, the queue will be forty-strong.

7. Soup lands on freshly-laundered white shirts. It will always be tomato.

8. You will always be three seconds away from the bus stop when the bus moves off without you, and waving, so that everyone in the bus can see.

9. Your flu bout will time itself precisely for your two weeks in the South of France. The previous fourteen weeks at work, you'll be as healthy as beansprouts.

10. The cleaner in the public convenience will decide to service the cubicles when you're having tsunami diarrhoea and watching his mop come under your door.

Comments

  1. Debra She Who Seeks20/9/15 10:28

    Brilliant! I laughed all the way through this post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. BadPenny20/9/15 10:42

    Oh how true.
    I remembered a friend's birthday throughout our twenties... our thirties... and our forties but FORGOT to send a card for her 50th birthday !!!
    A work colleague has gone on a restful Yoga retreat in Italy for a week. Her crazed neighbour is being driven mad by some alarm she has going but I do not have a key and can't reach her by phone; I have however managed to contact her daughter to sort it out !
    I hate going to a public loo when the cleaner is in !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill20/9/15 13:31

      Oh no ... I hope she's still a friend! I guess real friends aren't going to hold these things against us ...

      Delete
  3. Anonymous20/9/15 11:06

    No. 7 Ditto Bolognese sauce!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Deborah Jenkins20/9/15 11:18

    Haha! The last one is my favourite. Only this usually happens to me at work. Great post for a gloomy Sunday evening :) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill20/9/15 13:31

      Aha, but your Sunday evenings aren't so gloomy as they used to be!!

      Delete
  5. Marty20/9/15 12:38

    Lived it in August.
    My far away sister turned 70 on a Sunday. I remembered that Saturday.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous20/9/15 13:08

    Ten truisms!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill20/9/15 13:32

      You know me. Full of truth, and certainly not one to exaggerate ...

      Delete
  7. River20/9/15 23:51

    All true, although #8, here, if enough passengers see you running and waving they will call to the driver to wait, and he will.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/9/15 12:13

      Do your drivers do training courses?

      Delete
    2. River23/9/15 00:27

      yes, but I don't know how long they train for. I've been in several buses recently where the driver is undergoing training with a teacher/inspector sitting in the front seat near him/her.

      Delete
  8. Mel Menzies21/9/15 00:35

    Love them all but especially the last one. Not that it's ever happened to me.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Mandy Baker Johnson21/9/15 03:34

    Love it! Thanks for cheering up a grey morning Fran. Especially appreciated the diarrhoea ;) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/9/15 12:13

      I love the fact that you appreciated the diarrhoea. That may be the first time in history anyone's actually uttered that phrase.

      Delete
  10. Mel Menzies21/9/15 07:31

    Don't know what happened to my comment, Fran. Loved the whole post, but particularly the last one as I was the cleaner last night when my poor mum exploded (she's a bowel cancer survivor).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill21/9/15 12:15

      I did get your comment, Mel, but I was at work and with no chance to moderate them all until this evening. I feel very sorry for your mum. How embarrassing for her.

      Delete
  11. SmitoniusAndSonata23/9/15 01:31

    As elderly aunts used to say ,
    "These things are sent to try us ." . When sorely tested , they might remark ,
    "Into every life a little rain must fall. "
    I'm not an elderly aunt .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill24/9/15 11:36

      I am! (If 53 is elderly ... for an aunt.)

      Delete
  12. Iota 23/9/15 03:01

    Oh come come... It's not always like that. I've just hung my washing out, and it's not raining yet. Hang on... I think it's just started...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fran Hill24/9/15 11:36

      Ha ha - as soon as you think, Oh good, it's not raining, you're in trouble.

      Delete
  13. Desiree24/9/15 03:46

    Oh, Fran...you truly are a tonic. You have a knack of seeing life exactly as it really is and you never fail to amuse with your delightfully dry wit and uncanny powers of observation. Just delightful! Thank you, always, for your humorous posts. I seldom comment, not from lack of appreciation. On the contrary, I am in awe of your penmanship.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are defin...
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set ...
Read more

Reasons why Fran can get a 90,000 word novel down to a haiku if she's paid enough

Image
My first published story was in ‘Your Cat’ magazine.  (Don’t laugh … we all have to start somewhere.)  I sent the editor a 1500-word story.  She said she liked it (great!) and would publish it (fantastic!) but that I should cut it by a third and tighten up my style.  Ah.  Not so good. I loved every word of that story.  I gave birth to each one in pain and suffering, so there was NO WAY, absolutely NO WAY I was going to cut or change them.  I was determined.  I would stick to my guns.  She could forget it.  My mind was made up. Then she said she’d pay me £200 if I did the alterations.  I wavered for a whole nano-second.  U-turn Queen, that’s me, when it comes to hard cash. The editing of that heart-warming story about a couple who rediscover their love when their cat has a crisis (it was a real sick-bucket saga) taught me loads.  I hated making the changes.  I felt like a murderer, slashing and s...
Read more