Being Me

I went to a writers' day recently and stopped in a nearby Costa at 9.30am as I was early arriving. I ordered a coffee, then spotted in the fridge some impressive chicken salad baguettes. That's when I remembered I was meant to be taking a packed lunch with me to the writers' day. Serendipitous!! The assistant gave me the wrapped baguette on a plate, which I didn't need, but, hey, no worries. When I got to my table, I slid the baguette into my rucksack alongside my notebook and pens, and began to sip the coffee. Barely 30 seconds later, the same assistant came past my table, looked down at my empty plate, back at my face, and said, 'Have you finished with this, Madam?' I didn't realise the implication at first or I'd have said, 'Oh, the baguette was for lunch. It's in my bag.' Instead, I realise, I let him think that I had necked that baguette in half a minute in the same way a sword-swallower appears to: all in one, and without it to...

Well, Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for following me during 2018 - your forbearance and long-suffering are much appreciated, as are all your comments. This year I'm meant to be writing and delivering to the publishers my diary-memoir 'Miss, What Does Incomprehensible Mean?' Watch out for news. I thought I'd write about fish pie as it's the start of the new year and there are many, many reasons I am not the right person to write a blog about new year resolutions ... I made a fish pie last night for dinner because there was a packet of supermarket pastry in the fridge that never got converted into mince pies over Christmas. Why didn't I make the mince pies? Mainly because I knew that no one would eat them over Christmas because they'd all be stuffed to perdition with other goodies. So, if I'd made 48, I would eat 47 of them and then my husband, who's not a major fan (of mince PIES, you at the back!!) would wander into the kitchen in mid-Jan...

Dear Santa Thanks so much for the streaming cold, tickly throat and stuffed-up head and for delivering them all early so that I get to enjoy them throughout the entire Christmas period. Your thoughtfulness is touching. Fran Dear Fran I assure you that I did not deliver you the streaming cold, tickly throat and stuffed-up head. I bear you no ill-will, despite the caustic letter I received from you early this year about last Christmas's presents and how disappointed you were that I could not source the recipe books you wanted. Santa Dear Santa I am sorry if I over-reacted. But I was looking forward to receiving my copies of 'One-Cal Cakes' and 'Eat Like a Piggy: Look Like a Supermodel'. Fran Dear Fran I understand you are a Dickens fan. Have you read 'Great Expectations'? I have a spare copy I could deliver, if you wish. Santa Dear Santa How would the world's children react if they knew you had such a sarcastic edge to your t...

My husband sent his flute in for repair a couple of weeks ago and has been waiting for the shop to call. Just now, while I was watching TV, the phone rang in the hall and I went to pick it up. A man's voice said, 'It's the music shop. Can I speak to Mr Hill, please?' I don't know why, but I said 'Speaking.'  I swear the menopause gives women a form of Tourette's. 'Oh,' he said, clearly surprised that Mr Hill had a woman's voice, especially as, in the shop two weeks ago, he'd had a deep bass voice, substantial facial hair, and was wearing a flat cap. I wasn't sure how to backtrack. 'One second,' I said, and stepped into the kitchen where my husband was making bread. 'It's the music shop for you,' I said, thrusting the phone at him, keen to escape the embarrassing situation and get back to watching Homes under the Hammer. 'They'll have to hang on,' my husband said, making no attempt to keep...

I broke a tooth the day before we travelled to the Lyme Regis holiday I posted about last Saturday. It was one of the big molars, right at the back, and already had a filling. And it wasn't just a crack - a large section of the tooth had snapped off and disappeared down my gullet masquerading as one of the cashew nuts I was guzzling indiscriminately at the time. So I feared the tooth was doomed. But I haven't had an extraction since my childhood. I wasn't sure what to expect. I decided to push my luck and see the dentist about it when we got back. Therefore, on holiday, I ate carefully. (That's the first time I've ever used that sentence.) 'Oh, heck,' said Anna, my dentist, this morning when I turned up for my appointment. This was after she'd looked in my mouth at the broken tooth, I hasten to add - not a negative reaction as soon as I poked my head around her surgery door. She apologised after saying 'Oh, heck.' 'That's no...

I've been in Dorset for the week on holiday. Here's a flavour. Mint choc chip. Joke! I mean, here's a flavour of the holiday. In pictures and captions. You know by now not to expect pictures of fields or beaches or sunsets from my holiday pics, don't you? The saddest way to advertise a vacancy. I almost applied, I felt so sorry for them. So unfortunate, to get it right in the small writing and then bugger it up in the big writing. Outside the RNLI shop in Lyme Regis - a dog made of wellies. That's just genius. The worst case of misquotation ever. To be funeral directors was their destiny. We were on the top deck of a double decker bus, hurtling down 1 in 8 slopes. Skiing is so last year.  Two approaches to decorating one's beach hut. And, finally, you know that scene at the beginning of 'The French Lieutenant's Woman' in which Meryl Streep stands on the end of the Cobb in L...

I have something to share with you. No, it's not cake, so you can put your hopeful face away ;) No, it's not biscuits. No, it's not cheesecake. No, it's not sherry trifle. No, it's not a bag of chips. It's NOT food. Honestly, does no one feed you lot? Keep thinking .... No, it's NOT a lottery win. More's the pity. No, it's not a wise thought. I mean, since when ....? No, what I have to share is a bit of recent news. As you know, I am a very modest, self-effacing individual, so I will say it quietly .... I am going to be a Proper Published Author!!  Yes, it's true. Someone has actually agreed to take something I've written and turn it into a Thing One Can Put on a Shelf. (After reading it, of course.) As you know, this will be my second book. The first one, 'Being Miss', I published myself on Kindle and in paperback. If you've read it, I hope you enjoyed it :) So, the details ab...