Being Me

I've had my hair cut. I went into the hairdressers. 'I've had it short for so long,' I said, 'so I've tried growing it longer this year, and it looks fine....' 'So?...' she began. '... as long as I'm standing still and there's no breeze or anyone near me breathing heavily or using a hand dryer.' 'What happens then?' 'I look like a Gorgon.' 'Are you sure about this decision?' she said. 'Couldn't be more sure,' I said. 'Anyway, a friend told me longer hair made me look more mature. I felt like an ancient cheese. And that decided me. Also, I've been trying to blowdry it in the mornings, so that I look like the people in the magazines.' 'And?' 'I was thinking 'Glamorous Hair' magazine, not 'Crufts Monthly.' 'It can't be that bad.' 'So why am I being chased down the road by Afghan hounds?' She washed my hair and cut i

I've been thinking about tone. Windows 10 just said to me, 'Your battery is nearly out of power. You might want to plug in your laptop.' Sarcasm? From a computer program? Do I have to take this? It reminded me that, in London, on South West Train services, there's a sneery woman's voice on the tannoy which admonishes the passengers thus: ' Please remember to take all your personal items with you.' The 'please' comes out as a sigh, as though what she really wants to say is, 'You are basically uneducated, irresponsible scum, all you passengers, and if it were up to me, we'd lock all the doors from the outside and let you rot amidst your scabby rucksacks, laptop cases and handbags.' Another thing. I was standing at a bus stop one morning recently, awaiting a bus into Leamington. The bus stop is right by someone's garden wall and it was a humid day. My ankles were swelling up as though wanting to occupy the whole of Warwickshire b