Being Me

Happy Christmas, lovely followers! I know it's not been the year any of us would have ordered (had we been asked) but here and there I have tried to offer humour, cheer and a moment's distraction. Thanks so much for being around, for reading, and for your super comments which I love until they are funnier than my own.  I hope you are able to spend some time, however limited, with family or friends. Our plans were disrupted but we're still able to see one set of family so, counting our blessings!  I've been adding videos to my Youtube channel and these two are Christmas-themed, so I offer them here for your entertainment over the holiday. The first is a poem, the second a song. Take your pick or enjoy both :)  See you in 2021 😊

I've been to so many Zoom events lately, often those for writers. Here are thoughts I have during them.   1. Do my nostrils look like the Wookey Hole caves to anyone else? 2. I bet I'm not the only one drinking red wine out of a tumbler to pretend it's Ribena.  3. I wish someone had warned me that when you surreptitiously check your phone, your face lights up like a beacon.  4. That woman's dog is so tiny it would do better as a sandwich filling.  5. How embarrassing that I posted the Clapping reaction just as that man told a tragic story.  6. Do my nostrils look like the Wookey Hole caves to anyone else? 7. Hey, if I tilt my head back just a little like *this*, I reduce the number of chins by a sixth. 8. Crap, no! My Chat message saying, 'I'm loving this' came up just as that lady was describing her latest rejection from a publisher.  9. If I turn my camera off, I could eat this Snickers bar then claim technical problems.  10. Do my nostrils look like...

I have a brand new website. I hope that you'll pop by. I made it all myself. (That last sentence was a lie.) Come over and have a look This is what would have happened had Fran tried to design her own website

I have some observations to make after buying a new laptop at the weekend. 1. PC World is not the place to be when you're already feeling your age.  I had to spend an hour in the kitchen when we got back.  I used my food mixer, toaster and kettle, just to comfort myself that there were some things I could plug in and operate without having to watch a Youtube video first. 2. People who work in computer stores have a lumpy bit under their jumpers.  My husband said it would be where a set of keys is attached to their belts, but I suspect they are the remnants of where the umbilical cord hasn't quite healed yet. 3. Shouting, 'Oh, I must have that one!  Look - it's got a bright blue casing!' is the quickest way to make sure your husband sidles away from you and into the camera aisle. Fran wasn't so interested in its Intel Core i3-4030U Processor as she could have been 4. Even though your new laptop does have a pretty blue casing, you will still want to ...

Anonymous has been busy out there posting his comedy routines on my blog posts as comments.  Some of the punchlines, cleverly disguised as links to his own websites, are classic.  I need never have any more problems with my pec workouts, my impotency or my need to know how to make a nervous guy like me. For your enjoyment ... Anonymous has left a new comment on your post " Evidence that a week at a health spa doesn't alway... ":  It's a shame you don't have a donate button! I'd definitely donate to this excellent blog! I suppose for now i'll settle  for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to brand new updates and will  talk about this blog with my Facebook group. Chat soon! my web site :  Pec Workouts!   Anonymous has left a new comment on your post " Reasons why Santa is avoiding Warwickshire this ye... ":  Useful information. Lucky me I discovered your web site unintentionally, and I'm s...

I absolutely love spam comments.  I couldn't write anything funnier than this, so I leave it with you.  It's from 'Anonymous', so they're original as well as subtle. I used to be suggested this website by means of my cousin. I am not certain whether this put up is written by him as no one else understand such distinct approximately my trouble. You are amazing! Thanks! Also see my site  -  Posted by My Industrial Injury Claims.com  

Junk email today: Sender: safiaf arkashaal baraasi Message: PLEASE DO CAREFULLY READ MY MAIL Do you know what, safiaf?  I don't think I will CAREFULLY READ your MAIL.  For these reasons. 1. There are no capital letters on your names.  If you don't think you're important enough for capitals, I don't see why I should have a sense of urgency about getting to know you either.  Or maybe you don't actually know that you need capitals.  In which case, I'm unlikely to give your MAIL much credence either.  Or maybe you were in so much of a hurry to con me that you forgot the capitals altogether.  Bad move.  If intending to con, do so at a measured pace.  No one believes a rusher. 2. You are worryingly inconsistent.  No capitals on the names.  Then a shouty message, all in capitals.  If there's one thing I hate, safiaf, it's inconsistency.  You see, if I were going to READ your MAIL and acquiesce to your demands, whatever t...

Bored?  Here's something to do other than eat your own ear wax. Check out my new videos at  www.youtube.com/bombleybombley  and you can see me in action. The bombleybombley thing?  Er .... long story.  One day I'll tell it.

This is my junk email, all arrived today.  I daren't click on the links, as I know they will all connect me to a Medieval Plague of Viruses, but I feel I have to reply, so I will do so here. Message 1. Halifax Online Service Security Update Well, thanks for that, Halifax Bank, or Probably-Not-Halifax-Bank, but I'd get advice on your use of capital letters for the beginnings of all your words.   It arouses instant suspicion, in a serial-killer-suspicion kind of way.  Think: 'I Am Coming To Get You With a Big Knife'. Message 2. Nothing beats a British fry-up! Well, there you're wrong.  Not getting junk mail with stupid messages beats a British fry-up.  And cut out the exclamation marks.  I spend the whole day, every day, telling 14 year olds not to over-use the exclamation mark, then I get home at the end of the day, and there's you, bombarding me with insincere emotion so that I click on your dodgy link.  Bog off. Message 3. Handbag giveaway ...

Maybe it's time to explain my relative absence from the blogosphere and the likelihood of more absence ..... Some good news:  I have a new job.  Sometimes I like doing it. The flip side:  I am drowning in work like I've never drowned in work before and can't keep up with reading your blogs, even though I need the laugh like I've never needed laughs before. Some good news:  I have had a couple of recent opportunities to perform some poetry and more to come. The flip side:  That means I have to write fresh stuff. Some good news:  I like writing fresh stuff.  It's well fun. The flip side:  I don't have time to write blog posts about wrapping babies in foil or in dead cats . The good news:  You don't have to read my posts about wrapping babies in foil or dead cats. The flip side:  You may be as sick in the head as I am and therefore wanting to. Some good news:  I have found out how to use Twitter (in a very basic fashi...

I thought it was a  good  idea to marry a dressmaker. What I didn't know is that she'd have innovative ways of shutting me up when I asked about her shopping trips. Mummy, don't fuss. Sitting at the computer for hours is doing me no damage at all. So I was at the vegetable counter and the assistant said, 'Look, you owe eight pounds, okay, and if you don't pay up, I'll shove this jalapeno pepper right in your gob.' And I said, 'Look here, young man, do you know who you're spPHLUMPH ...' There I was, at the dentist, and he says to me, 'You want teeth like Simon Cowell?' and I says to him, 'Yeah, go on then!' and so he did all this work for me. I just didn't realise the grin would be permanent, though. I'm having real difficulty being taken seriously at my business meetings. And my jaw ACHES, man! Yep, I know. Never trust a plastic surgeon when he says he'll do all the operations at once. And where are my ears?...

Okay, so after waiting for Twitter to get over my last bungled attempt at becoming a Twit (as in 'You've tried once, and you can KEEP trying until you DIE of exhaustion, you loser') I have had another go and managed to squeeze into some back entrance they weren't keeping an eye on. To contact this particular Twit, my profile is  http://twitter.com/ beingFran   But that's all I can do so far.  I've posted two tweets, and I am at the limit of my Twitty powers.  I'm sure I'm supposed to be able to put a little sign up somewhere on the blog saying, 'Come, follow me, disciples and disciplettes', but I'm blowed if I can work out how.* I am expecting a call from the Professor of Technology at Oxford University any time now to ask me to be an honorary graduate. You see - even the font has gone grey.  What did I do?  What did I do? * I did it!  I am a GENIUS!  (Except now the font has shrunk.  My computer does not heart me tonight.)

I've been looking at the list of phrases people have typed into a search engine before they end up at my blog. Is there any sense in which the searches people do reflect the general tone, content and quality of one's blog, do you think?  Should I worry?........ Dressing post baby large chest Traditional elongated earlobes, pictures An analogy about me being a boot Black on inside of stretched earlobe Fairy tail adapted Fran flake Hairy cyst with teeth Laryngitis whisper can’t speak Sheep costume ears Goofy looking old guy photo Baby ears pierced ‘ spain ’ Planet zog reading game Yay!  I type in 'baby dressed in foil grieving for buses ruined classic book titles general bunkum' and look what I get!

More techno-lit ... Don ShiftKeyote - in which a middle-aged Spaniard embarks on chivalrous deeds but comes to a sticky end when he finds that chivalry isn't quite the same when it's only in upper case. The PrintPreview and the Pauper - in which a poor boy swaps places with a royal-born white screen with very tiny writing on until it is changed to 350%. The Great Esc - in which some prisoners of war tap the Escape key continually in order to hide the sound of tunnel-making by their colleagues. Backspace Beauty - in which a horse tells its story about how it was sent to a cruel owner who made it learn to run only in reverse. The Processor and the Pea - in which the innards of a computer are put to bed on a tall pile of twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds but will still not work until the pea underneath them all is removed. Mobile Phone Dick - in which a man intends to go to sea in search of a whale but finds that, because there is no network access at the...

Someone who has accessed my blog got here by googling 'How to make Christmas last all day'. Should someone tell them?....... People type the strangest things into Google, though, and I love playing the game in which you type the beginning of a question in and see what other people have asked before you.  I shall try it with 'How to make Christmas ...' and see what comes up .... So, stay there a minute.  I'll be back with thrilling news, I'm sure ... .......BORING, or what?  All I got was 'how to make Christmas .......... crackers, cards, decorations and cake.  How tedious.  I wanted something like 'How to make Christmas bearable when surrounded by relatives' or 'How to make Christmas pudding calorie-free'.  No joy. Except that the last one was just 'How to make Christmas' and that person needs to know that this has already been done, but you need a baby, a manger, a virgin, a man in a teatowel, some stars, shepherds and ...

If I knew what a 'meme' was - and I still don't, even though people keep saying it - it would help.  I don't know whether to say 'I've been memed by Steve at Bloggertropolis ' or 'Steve has given me a meme' or 'Here's some memming which Steve has made me do'.  Whichever way, I hate him.  Look at these questions he's sent me to answer.  What would YOU do with them?  1. God gives you a free ticket to spend the night with absolutely anybody in the world and the entirety of history – whom do you choose?   Someone who knows how to use who and whom proper like what you do. 2. Frankie Howard or Frankie Boyle? (This is a separate question and is not related to no. 1 above.) I don't know who Frankie Boyle is.  I'm not good on culture.  Comedian?  Actor?  Street cleaner?  Whoever he is, as I don't know him, I'll go for Frankie Howard.  Although, as he's dead, this could be a tedious meeting - I'll bring a boo...

1. I lurve it. 2. I lurve it. 3. I lurve it. 4. I lurve it. 5. I lurve it. 6. I lurve it. 7. I lurve it. 8. I lurve it. 9. I lurve it. 10. I lurve it. (Oh, HOW ANNOYING.  It was all going so well, with all the 'I lurve its' all being in a nice symmetrical row and then, because of the Number 10, which is two digits and not one, it pushed the 'I lurve it' out a bit, so now it doesn't match.) (Whaddya mean, lighten up?)

Some old novels need bringing up to date, methinks. Ta-DAH!  I bring you ....  Techno-lit! Cyber with Rosie ... in which a Gloucestershire lad in very baggy trousers strolls through a field with a young girl with plaits and a gingham dress.  The sun is out.  They can hear cows.  They discuss life at the village school, the cooking smells in his mother's kitchen, and his new Apple iMac with its 27-inch LED backlit display and widescreen 16:9 aspect ratio.  They kiss. Orange is Not the Only Fruit - A well-known mobile phone company brings out a new range of apple and banana shaped handsets which they market primarily in a depressing Northern town.  A repressed teenager with rhetorical skills honed in the Pentecostal church abandons her ambitions to go to Oxford, leaves home under a cloud, and joins the phone company as their main Northern rep.  There is a touching reconciliation with her mother after she contributes an idea for an organ musi...

Hey, you guys. RSI's Gripped my arm An' done me harm. Too much typing Loads of tripe in Has caused twinges Hence these whinges. So, my pals - Guys and gals. Post I may But much more? Nay. For the moment I can't coment (?) On your own blog - I must lone blog. I 'pologise. This RSI's Come right between us. Oh, what meanness! If it mends Then, sure, my friends I'll recommence All my COMments. (Hope the capitalisation helped in the last line with covering up a blatant lowering of standards where rhythm and stress are concerned.)

I have three emails in my 'Junk Mail' box.  (I know, I know.  You have three million.  I must have a very good filter.  Still, the ones I get are very entertaining.) Why are junk emails always so strange, often with incomplete names and subject lines and wiggly lines?  Why always from Africa, or people with strange names, or banks you've never heard of, or companies offering things completely irrelevant to your own life? The first of today's offerings is from ' Sebastio Sales Be- (the rest of the surname is missing)' and the subject line is ' Re: re '.  What does this mean?  Is it regarding regarding?  And, if so, who am I meant to be regarding?  Why does Sebastio think I need advice about who I regard and who I don't?  Has a friend whose feelings I have unknowingly hurt been in touch with Sebastio?  And, Sebbo, try a bit more imagination with your subject lines.  In fact, expect an email from me soon entitled 'Regarding s...