Being Me

It's Saturday evening as I write. This time last week my body still comprised one-fifth woman and four-fifths pudding. I was so stiff with starch that I couldn't bend at the waist to take off my socks at bedtime. I felt as though all my internal organs had been re-upholstered.   Despite all this, non, je ne regrette rien.  I had gone with two friends to The Pudding Club. It was their 60th birthday treat to me and - well - what an experience!  I'm aiming to go again on my 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th or should I ever tire of life as it could do what Dignitas does but with added custard.    Have you heard of the Pudding Club? It was started by people who felt that the traditional British pudding should be saved from extinction and celebrated. Because of this, the evening is full of ceremony and ritual as guests make their way through seven puddings, all paraded in regally, applauded and cheered.  Seven puddings? Yes, you heard correctly.  Puddings are...

It's my birthday soon. It's on Monday. Thanks for asking. Well, I know you didn't, but I sensed you were about to. Oh, you know, wine, chocolates, flowers, perfume. The usual. No, not all of them, unless you're feeling generous. I'm sure that's not true. But there's a first time for everything. Coco Chanel, actually. A small bottle would be lovely. No, I don't mean the shower gel. I know the nice man at the market sells it, but - Well, I'm sorry, but if you want quality, you will  pay over a hundred. That's okay. Just the chocolates, then. No, it isn't my 60th! How could you think that? Well, don't come in so close then. Thanks for the recommendation, but I've used the same face cream for years now and wasn't intending to swap. What am I doing for my birthday? No, nothing much, really, what with the lock down. You don't need to worry about that. I won't forget the daily walk, no. Even if it is...

My husband bought me some Ferrero Rocher chocolates for my birthday. Unfortunately for you, it got me thinking. Q. What do you call hazelnut chocolates you eat too quickly? A. Ferrero Rusher. Q. What's it called when you divide a box of hazelnut chocolates evenly between two of you? A. Fairero Rocher. Q. What do you call a hazelnut chocolate that accidentally landed on your cat before you ate it? A. Furrero Rocher. Q. What do you call a hazelnut chocolate to which you are allergic? A. Ferrero Rasher. Q. What do you call a hazelnut chocolate that's a frustratingly long way from where you are on the sofa and you can't be bothered to get up and fetch it? A. Too Farrero Rocher. Q. What do you call a hazelnut chocolate when you're being colloquial? A. Ferrero Nosher. Q. What do you call a hazelnut chocolate that goes 'Boo!' in the night? A. Fearero Rocher. Q. What do you call a hazelnut chocolate which you drop and which then bounces ag...