Being Me

Further to  this recent post about odd-coloured food  I have more to report. My husband brought THIS home. Here is the conversation we had about it. Me: What be this abomination, my master? Please remove it from my scullery or I will cave in your head with my chopping block. Him: It be charcoal bread, my love. Me: It can be charcoal, my master. Or it can be bread. It cannot be both of those things, or I am not a wench. Him: Would your pretty mouth like a taste of it, my love? I will tear you off a piece and layer it with fresh butter from our dairy cow. Me: I would like nothing less, master. In fact, I would rather eat my own ear wax than consider it. Him: Then I will have to feast on it myself which I am pleased to do. Me: From whence did you purchase it and how many pennies did it cost thee? Him: It cost three hundred and fifty pennies, my dearest. Me: THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY?  Have you been eating of the mushrooms underneath the old elm, my master? Or quaffi

1. If a jar of chutney's best-by date is so faded you can't read it, don't use the chutney for the cheese sandwiches of anyone you'd like to keep alive. 2. If you were a cucumber and had been left unattended for three weeks, you too would weep onto other vegetables.  3. Mayonnaise fit for human consumption should not require slicing.  4a. Tomatoes which have attached themselves to other tomatoes with what looks like Astroturf are past their best.  4b. No, not even in a curry. 5. For 'within 3 days' on pre-prepared salads, read 'within 26.5 seconds' or get used to festered rocket. 6. No one needs fourteen types of pickle.  7. Just because it has vinegar and sugar in it does not mean a jar of mint sauce priced at three shillings can be fed to loved ones.  8. Only Stilton cheese is allowed to be that green.  9. If you've had to use a fish slice to get it off your fridge walls, tonight's pasta dish will be better w