Reasons why I may take the long route to work tomorrow

So, I was walking to school, trogging along the path in my frumpy middle-aged way, loaded down with a rucksack full of marking, planning and a Very Big Packed Lunch sheaf of report-writing, and feeling as supple and flexible as a recent corpse.  What's more, it was windy, and that all added to my struggle.

And, as I lolloped down the path, who should I see ahead of me, actually ON my path and blocking my way?

Well, imagine two of these.....



.... wearing some of this ....

... only in pink ...

and you'll have an accurate picture of the two size-0 women, hermetically sealed in Lycra, who were doing early morning exercises in the park, bending and stretching themselves into such impossible positions that I actually wondered if they were melting.

Well, I thought, as I approached them.  Any minute now they, as youthful and fit and flexible as they are and I aren't, will move aside and let me pass so that I don't have to change course and struggle up onto the grass verge just to get past them.

But no.  They carried on doing their impressions of elastic bands while I walked past, huffing and puffing under the weight of my sandwiches marking, and trying not to think, as I passed them, that juxtaposition of this kind did me no favours at all when I am walking to work and needing to Feel Good in order to face the day ahead.  Is this, I thought, how hippos feel when walking past the flamingo enclosure?  

I got into school and it all became so much worse.  A caretaker said to me as I walked down the corridor, 'Still windy out there, then?'  'Yes, yes,' I said, conversationally, thinking how nice it was to chat to someone about the weather.  Then I passed a mirror and saw the state of my hair.  

All this, before 8am.  Is it a cruel world, or is it a cruel world?


Comments

  1. Debbie Coope11/10/11 15:36

    Next time, let them lighten your load and build muscle at the same time.

    Accidentally drop books from your loosely fastened rucksack and allow them to kindly pick them up, and carry them as you head for school.

    ReplyDelete
  2. fishducky11/10/11 16:41

    Being the caring, good natured & loving hippo that I am, I say KILL THE FLAMINGOS!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. stephen Hayes11/10/11 17:12

    Cling Film? So much more descriptive than saran wrap or plastic wrap. We're just starting to watch Top Gear on the BBC and having a great time with it. Was it Winston Churchill who wrote that Brits and Americans are two great peoples separated by the same language? You have some wonderful imagery here.--..."supple and flexible as a recent corpse..."

    ReplyDelete
  4. Crayon11/10/11 21:19

    So much funny, so little space! And here I was getting all environmentalist at the beginning-"Damned plastic is killing everything!" but then "Oh, it's just tiny, pink, annoying women torturing Fran."

    ReplyDelete
  5. ted and bunny11/10/11 23:36

    ah, but juat think- when the fit ladies kness have given out through over use and they're waiting for knee replacement surgery, you'll still be writing lovely little cameo stories to cheer us all up!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Steve12/10/11 00:01

    I'm sure stick insects have a tendency to blow away in high winds...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Martin12/10/11 00:13

    If they turned sideways and poked out their tongues, would they look like zips?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Diane Laney Fitzpatrick12/10/11 04:06

    This is hilarious! "Is this, I thought, how hippos feel when walking past the flamingo enclosure? " And the comment from your coworker about the wind (your hair) reminded me of a few weeks ago, a store cashier said to me, "Oh, it looks like you've had a long day!" I was so shocked. Because I hadn't really had a long day. I was fine. Had a pretty good day going, in fact. Made me wonder what I looked like when I WAS having a long day. Oy.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thinking12/10/11 06:57

    hmmm....it is cruel world and you are not the only victim....believe me...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Diana Studer12/10/11 14:05

    Hippos and flamingos? Eina (=ouch to you)!

    Curiouser and curiouser, something is hiding the names of your commenters. The avatar is there, and if you mouseover where the name SHOULD be, there is a hidden link to the blogger profile. BTW it is not just your blog, the commenter name eating monster is getting around.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Diana Studer12/10/11 14:06

    El E hmmmph! I rest my case in pieces.

    ReplyDelete
  12. anne12/10/11 20:09

    it is a cruel world... but you make it sound so funny that it helps me believe days like these can easily be tossed out the window.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anna May13/10/11 17:37

    Big hair is SO this season

    Anna May x

    ReplyDelete
  14. #1Nana13/10/11 19:45

    I'm with fishducky. i was never a big fan of flamingos.

    ReplyDelete
  15. speccy14/10/11 01:58

    Oh, Fran. You are not alone.
    Hilarious.
    The hippo/ flamingo line will stay with me forever.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Pam 14/10/11 05:17

    Yes, but can they use the apostrophe correctly? Those tricky ones like "it's / its" or "people's"? Ask yourself this. Now you feel better, don't you?

    Oh. You don't.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Carolina19/10/11 09:59

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Carolina19/10/11 10:01

    Sorry, made a really stupid mistake (I think) in the comment I've just removed. Here's what I really wanted to say:

    LOL
    It is a cruel world. Which is why I bought one of those 'wise words tiles' that says: slim people just are too stupid to eat good food and put it up on the wall of the downstairs toilet. Next to the You can't have everything. Besides, where would you keep it all. An enlightening room, our downstairs loo ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Carolina19/10/11 10:05

    Hey, this is weird. I wanted to put the text on the tiles in italics, but for some reason it didn't work and now it has become a really confusing comment. Sorry ;-)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are defin...
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set ...
Read more

Reasons why Being Me is going to be Was Being Me for a while

I'm now on my summer holidays from school, dear friends, and I think there are two ways these 7 weeks could go. Option 1. I start out with the intention of chasing more agents and publishers for my books/beginning a new novel/writing some articles/trying to pitch a new column/entering some story and poetry competitions, but after 5 minutes of enthusiasm decide to blog/read blogs instead because it's just TOO DIFFICULT.  I therefore spend hours blogging and then find it's bedtime. Option 2. I decide to have a break from the blogosphere so that I can give myself as much chance as possible of actually getting past that 'it's just too difficult' point. I know myself too well.  So, I've decided on option 2.  You're a great bunch of followers and I hope you'll stick around so that when that I start 'Being Me' again in September or thereabouts, you'll be looking out for a seminal post about a stuffed animal or an incident on a local bus .....
Read more