Reasons why Fran should stop watching ballet
Something not to watch before you gorge yourself on sausage and mash.
I watched it just before my evening meal, and I really wish I'd had a sardine salad planned, or perhaps a thin vegetable soup with a couple of herb croutons. The ballet dancer leaps around as though his body is made of cotton wool, staying in the air like a bubble, for much longer than seems possible, and landing as though the floor wasn't concrete, but a thick, soft Turkish carpet.
And all I could think while I was watching was, in a minute, I'm going to tuck into a plate of pork accompanied by a hillock of buttered mash, and after that, I shall barely be able to rise from my chair, let alone fly halfway across a room like Peter Pan in nude tights.
I do love dancing, though. I have a CD called 'R & B Divas' and when no one is looking - and I've turned the mirror to face the wall - I will career around the living room like a mountain out of control, flailing my limbs to the music and using a banana as a microphone.
One of the songs on the CD is 'Toxic' by Britney Spears. I've just looked up the official video on Youtube. It appears the song is not, as I imagined, about bathroom cleaning agents. I won't post the link to the video here, as I still want Google to let people click onto this blog without a warning, but let's just say, I thought the ballet dancer's tights were as nude as it was possible for them to be. Britney proves otherwise.
When I was a teenager, my poor beleaguered PE teacher, Miss Smith, tried to teach us 'Country Dancing' on Wednesday afternoons. I imagine she went home on those days and headed straight for her drinks cupboard for a gin and tonic in a pint glass. We were obsessed with the films 'Saturday Night Fever' and 'Grease' and she could shriek 'Remember to do-si-DO' as often as she liked, turning up the volume of the 'Gay Gordon' or the 'Irish Washerwoman' to drown out our giggles and yelps. But we were busy do-si-don't-ing, pretending we were Olivia Newton John and wishing a man in a white suit with cobalt blue eyes would come and rescue us from our fourth year schoolgirl tedium.
Do you like the film 'Billy Elliot'? I find the opening sequence transfixing, and the T-Rex song takes me straight back to my cheesecloth shirt and flared red trousers days when I experimented with bright blue eyeshadow and 'rocker' platform shoes, thinking myself elegant and sophisticated. I often use this clip at school to demonstrate the power of an opening sequence in a film.
Billy Elliot opening scene
If only Miss Smith had thought of playing T-Rex and letting us leap up and down on gym mats.
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