Being Me

Cats are more enthusiastic than English students.  I know this because, when I opened the door this morning to welcome a pupil I teach privately from home, a cat from a neighbouring house took its chance and shot in like a nun out of a swingers' party and up our stairs.  It went so fast, it was just a blur, but I saw the look on its face and that look said, 'I can't wait to get in here and onto the bed of an allergic person.  I'm dead excited.'   'Huh?  I'll make you sneeze, will I?  You're lucky - I was hoping  to induce a full anaphylactic shock if I'm honest, in revenge for all the times you've kicked me out before.' Then I looked at the pupil's face.  Let's just say, excitement wasn't the emotion I saw there as she stood on the doorstep in anticipation of our lesson on non-fiction texts. At least the kids at school this week have been satisfyingly keen.  I've been teaching 'Romeo and Juliet' and this is...

I loved this BBC news story about the woman who found her lost wedding ring round a carrot she dug up from her garden. Things you don't expect to find when digging up your dinner I have my own ring story.  Our family was at a big Christian festival once, the kind where thousands of people bring tents and camp together and then have to spend the week trying not to argue with their spouses because everyone can hear you being not-very-Christian. My husband was working as a milkman at the time.  Why is this relevant?  You'll see. Towards the end of the week-long festival, my husband lost his wedding ring, having left it in the gents' facilities when he went to have a wash.   He came back to the tent and I asked him where his ring was, which was when he realised what he'd done.  I considered having a tantrum about it and calling him a few names, but I couldn't risk everyone hearing.  Instead, I said, very loudly, 'DON'T WORRY, DARLING HONEYBUN SUGARPIE, ...

I am peering at the screen with stinging, watery eyes due to a streaming cold, and I am sneezing every 33 seconds, and the dripping of my nose would shame a Chinese water torturer, but don't you worry, Isabelle and Frances, about pressurising me to write a new post while I am suffering thus. No, don't you fret, my dears.  I am sure you are both sitting there with your feet up, sipping mulled wine, healthy and thriving, while you fire off your comments about it being time I shifted my carcass and wrote something.  No, I'm not bitter at all.  I am very pleased for you, that you are not victims of The Worst Cold in History and can enjoy your Christmas holidays without using up enough Kleenex to soak up the Indian Ocean and leave its bed dry and all its sea life flapping about wondering FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WHO PULLED THE PLUG? I have been making mince pies.  No, this isn't my excuse for not having written a post since early December, although the way I make mince pi...

I've been sitting in my living room, by the fire, thinking what a nice house I live in.  I was perfectly content.  Happy with the decor, though it's a little tired.  Pleased with my old radio, burbling away while I mark exercise books. And then I watched this on the BBC news website .... check out the link. Proof that I live in squalor compared to these guys .... Fran started on her campaign to live the life of the more privileged

I'm very aware that I haven't written a blog post for ages.  Or checked anyone else's blogs.  I am getting seriously blog-rubbish. Other things I haven't done this week. 1. I haven't managed to set up our new landline phone.  We have a new one, but all we've done is plugged it in and answered it a few times.  This appears to be the limit of our skills with it.  I did have a look at the manual last weekend to see if I could work out how to set up the answerphone, put in some automatic numbers and adjust the settings on it.  But then I realised I could more easily learn complex medical terminology about obscure parts of the body in an ancient Peruvian language.  This weekend I have been avoiding the phone, giving it a wide berth when I walk past it, like I do people on the street who are dribbling and making unggghhh noises and rolling their eyes at me. I hate new technology, but I hate the manuals more.  I need one of these to cope ...... ...

The class was faffing about, taking its time, so I said, in my best Bored Teacher Monotone, 'Right, then.  One needs to PICK up one's pen, then one needs to OPEN one's book, then one needs to WRITE the title.' In future, I'll just say it like it is.  One kid put her hand up.  'Are you talking in Shakespeare?' Ever get the feeling the world has moved on, leaving you far, far behind? Fran had always thought the girl in the front row with the screwed-up face had just had wind.  It turned out that she hadn't understood a word Fran had said since 2009. I told another class this week that a character in a novel was being 'duplicitous'.  I did explain the meaning and was pleased that I was expanding their vocabularies.  But one of the students asked me whether I could just learn some slang at the weekends so that they could understand me better. 'But,' I said, 'my professional duty is to extend your individualised lexicon, not...

1. What is the etiquette for Imperial Leather soap?  Label up.  Label down?  Or label off? Fran thought it most remiss of the soap company that they did not provide explicit guidance on the packet 2. How come I am always IN the shower before I remember that my ladies' razors are elsewhere in the house?   Fran realised that the alternative to getting out of the shower and finding the razor was going to be a long, slow process, and not easy with all the mirrors steamed up 3. Do all Chief Executives of toothbrush companies have a pathological hatred of normal people?  If not, why would they make the getting-out of a toothbrush from a new packet at 6.30 in the morning so difficult?  How dare they call those slight indentations 'perforations'?  Even Cruella de Vil's nails aren't going to make it through those. Fran realised that comparing the getting-out of a toothbrush with the finding of the Holy Grail was pushing things, but exag...