Why I could be accused of needing to get out more

You're having a boring afternoon. You've nothing to do. Nothing's on the telly.

So, OBVIOUSLY, you're going to try typing Shakespeare in predictive text on your mobile and see which words it recognises and which it doesn't. It's great fun. And I have all kinds of new ideas for plays I could write and submit to the Royal Shakespeare Company.

"Out, fanned spot." - a woman with macho tendencies is disturbed by a skin lesion that has in all directions and is now the shape of a Chinese lady's cooling device with pictures of temples all over it.

"The lady Doug protest too much methinks." - a woman without macho tendencies, but whose parents gave her a boy's name because they liked it, complains bitterly, but unconvincingly.

"Et TV, Brute?" - a woman with a version of Tourette's syndrome which means she replaces all her English verbs with French ones complains to her ignorant and bullish husband about his boring plans for their evening

"Out! cried candle." - a pioneering inventor invents a nightlight which calls out when it realises a house owner has fallen asleep while it was still burning.

"I am a man more sinned against than pinning." - a man considers the things that have been done to him by his enemies, including the time they fixed him to a wall with the use of tacks, and decides that everything else they did was much, much worse.

"Full fathom five thy father kids." - Someone receives a revelation that, just when they thought their father was a dustman, he has been, for many years, a deep-sea-diver and stand-up comic.

Try it with Chaucer. Now that could be interesting.

Comments

  1. Loralie Lynn9/3/09 02:56

    Great blog! Very cute. Check out mine if you like: http://missmarshmoney.blogspot.com/. Have a great day!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fran Hill9/3/09 13:05

    Hi MM. Thanks for dropping in. Keep reading. I like the 'writing' angle of your blog and will keep following, especially as you are making the rapid acquisition of wealth sound easy ....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Count Sneaky9/3/09 15:53

    To make it really interesting you should, my dear, try it with James Joyce, whose wife said, "Why can't you
    write books that people can read?"
    "Leave not a hack behind. We are such stuff as themes are made on, and our little fifes are rounded with a drum!"
    Forgive me. Count Sneaky

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fran Hill10/3/09 15:08

    Now, Count S, did you actually look those up on predictive text, or did you make it up? How can 'themes' become 'dreams'? I suspect tomfoolery. But very funny anyway. My little fife is indeed rounded as a drum, which reminds me, I must go on a diet.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mark Kerstetter10/3/09 19:12

    I would leave a comment here, but I'm afraid of getting lashed by an errant wit. Oops, too late.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Count Sneaky10/3/09 20:10

    Tomfoolery indeed! The Count is, as usual, as serious as Prospero...just not as eloquent.Count Sneaky

    ReplyDelete
  7. Count Sneaky11/3/09 07:30

    The Count thought he left you another message. It must have gotten lost in the
    electrical miasma of my brain.
    Tomfoolery indeed! The Count is as serious as Prospero was in his speech...just not as eloquent.
    By the way Sophocles also said, "To know nothing is the happy life."
    Count Sneaky

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fran Hill11/3/09 14:07

    Mark - Lashing is not my style. A mild prod with an unfurled paper clip is all you can expect from me, don't worry.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Fran Hill11/3/09 14:09

    Count S (ha ha - you have been feminised!) - thank you for your comments. Your first one wasn't lost; it was just hanging around in the ether until Judgment Day (well, moderation). And Sophocles was probably right, which is why I am content to demonstrate my ignorance on a regular basis without shame.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons why Fran is desperately in search of earbuds

Image
My try-to-get-fitter walk in the fields today was a silent one. I usually listen to the radio through earphones but have lost one of the soft earbuds and nothing spoils a walk more than having hard plastic nudging up against your fragile tympanic membrane. The BBC's  'Woman's Hour' is a brilliant programme but loyalty has limits.  It was disconcerting, walking in silence. Listening to radio distracts from the disturbing reality that my legs are propelling me in forward motion because, if I think too hard about this, I frighten myself.  Today, while walking, I had to listen to my own thoughts.  And now I've listened to my own thoughts, I remember why I like radio better. The inside of my head is like a wastepaper basket.   Be grateful that I only offer you a brief excerpt.  Oh, look, that bird is - / Where did I put that mark scheme. I'll need it for - / My shoes are getting muddier./ Maybe mash with the fish tonight / really muddy / The trees are definitely more
Read more

Evidence that we don't always have the right words to say at the right time

Image
The Younger Daughter was reminding me about how, when she's just accidentally burned herself and is hopping up and down in the kitchen, my instant response is 'Careful, that's hot!'  Or when she's just tripped up a step, that's the time I choose to say, 'Watch yourself!' That's me.  Eager to be helpful.  Caring Parent of the Year. But it's instinctive, isn't it, to say something completely inadequate in the face of crisis?  It's a strange feature of the way we communicate sympathy.  What about the following situations ... When someone's fallen over and is lying flat on their face, we say: 'Oh, no, are you o kay ?' When someone's just set off down the road to the shops, then lets themselves back in five minutes later, cursing and stomping, we say: 'Did you forget something?' When we come across someone sobbing their hearts out .... ..... we say things like, 'Is something the matter?' To the
Read more

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

Image
More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres: To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time. To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either. To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set
Read more