A response to a complaint from a reader which I hope will satisfy

Isabelle left a comment to say she's fed up of looking at my mould and vomit pictures on the last post and would I get on with writing about something nice, such as flowers?  Some people have no taste, that's all I can say.  Here I am, trying to entertain you, and all I get are complaints.

I'll try, Isabelle, but I'm warning you.  I am to Nature what Arsenic in your Tea is to Abundant Health.  Ask anyone who knows me, 'What does Fran know about flowers?' and all you will get is uncontrollable laughter, them doubled over, and a request for a tissue so they can wipe away their tears (or worse, depending on their bladders ... No, it's OKAY.  I'll stop there, as I was trying so hard to avoid body fluids).

Perhaps Isabelle is right, though.  It's time I tried to improve my attitude towards Nature.  So, I thought I would try and educate myself by tapping 'Flowers' into Google Images, seeing what pictures came up, and trying to learn to appreciate their beauty.  I will give the pictures some captions to demonstrate this new appreciation of nature and its wonders.

As soon as they joined hands, both of them clutching the wedding bouquet, they realised that the best man's threat to superglue them together at some time during their Big Day had not been an empty one.

Belinda had said 'Find something to put these lovely flowers in, darling' and Dave was sure she'd be
pleased with his choice of vase.

John had promised he'd make her a birthday cake, but how to cover up the fact that he'd forgotten to buy the ingredients?   He hoped that she'd be so pleased with the outer decoration that when she cut through to the cardboard box underneath she'd forgive him.

'Read our fascinating feature on p5 of Cosmopolitan about what to do on the days you only have enough eye make-up for one side of your face!'

And the winner in our competition to find the most sick-making cheesy slogan for our new perfume IS........!

Fran's husband just couldn't work out why she was buying flowers so often these days

'Some blithering idiot gave me these bracelets for my birthday.  How the hell am I supposed to wash up?'

One year Fran's neighbours asked her to look after their garden while they were away.  That was the end of what had seemed a promising friendship.

Well, I must say, I'm very proud of myself.  I really feel my captions illustrate my new-found appreciation for flowers and all their wonders.  I hope you're pleased, Isabelle, with my sincere efforts to connect with the beauty and power of Nature.


  1. Oh yes, I can tell you're a Flower Child...

  2. Did somebody say "free chocolate"?

  3. Brilliant. And if you made up the captions yourself I'm doubly impressed :o)

    I tell people not to buy me plants or flowers any more as I'm the opposite of green-fingered. Whatever that is.

  4. Ha. Well that showed those nature lovers.

  5. She Means Well - through and through, dear, through and through.

    Steve - yes, I did. All gone, though, I'm afraid. You're too late.

    Karen - of COURSE I made up the captions! I would be ashamed to use other people's when I love caption-writing nearly as much as I like eating chocolate. The problem is, as you see here, is that I have trouble writing serious, thoughtful ones which suit the picture.

  6. Fran, I want those bracelets for Christmas, do you think they do matching earrings? Would accessorise the lovely shamrock frock I have.

  7. Well, you've made a start...

    I look forward to your gardening posts next Spring.

  8. Hooray! MUCH better. Thank you so much - I'm HONOURED to have inspired that.

    (Quite glad you didn't go with kittens, though. And no, that's not a challenge. In fact, it's a prohibition. No kittens. Ideally.)

  9. Brigid - the bracelets are bad enough. Wear matching earrings as well and you wouldn't be able to see to walk along the street. But, then again, neither would you be able to see people's faces ...

    Christine - I will get going on learning all the Latin names. You will be SO impressed.

    Isabelle - that was a very dangerous thing to do, mentioning the kittens ....

  10. Fran I hope I'm not being too crass here, but as a friend of mine says, "that was piss funny!"


  11. It's okay, ThisMid. It's not crass to say the word 'funny'.

  12. Would truly love to meet you but remind if I do not to let you out in my garden by yourself!

  13. Luckily, you are no 'shrinking Violet'!

  14. Do you write card slogans for a living?
    And where can I get the floral bracelets from???

  15. Kristin - that's the aim! Thanks for following.

    Elizabethm - Better put all your house plants out of reach as well. My reputation with those is not good either.

    Martin - shrinking would be good. Unfortunately, you're right.

    DomesticG - I wish, I wish. And the floral bracelets? You can get a kit to grow your own, but you'll need a fair bit of garden. And a bigger jewellery box ...

  16. Flowers are pretty and I love those bracelets, but if you are taking requests now, I want the Kittens. I'm sure you would not be able to do an unkind post about kittens. No No this is NOT a challenge.

  17. you are not exactly tiptoeing through the tulips, are you?
    But then, you never do.

  18. What does it say about me that I like the vomit and mold pictures?

  19. Very funny! :-)

    Happy Halloween.


  20. I do think the think the vomit photo in the previous post would have been much better had you activated the scratch and smell option on your Blogger template. Perhaps next time...

    Those bracelets are to die for by the way. They'll hide my mechanical claws quite nicely.

  21. Funny! 8-D

    ... But you MUST know I have copyright on the flower-in-front-of-the-face look Fran! (no lippy in my case!!)

  22. Some cracking captions there Fran:) And very refreshing to see an article in Cosmo not about sex!

  23. And now I want some flowers.

  24. Linens - all kittens should be afraid, very afraid. I am sorely tempted.

    Friko - I've never tiptoed in my life.

    Nana - I assume that was a rhetorical question.

    Pearl - glad you enjoyed it. My pleasure.

    Brilliant Sulk - great to have one of your hilarious comments!

    Eliza - thank you!

    Jane - Yes, Cosmo's not exactly People's Friend, is it?

    Carolina - thanks. Glad I made you smile.

    Whispering Writer - There are a zillion pictures of them on Google Images if that will do you ...

  25. Anonymous1/11/10 16:43

    This blog has reminded me somewhat of Dad's inability to keep fish. I'm not entirely sure how this blog post has rekindled the memory of yor blog "How to keep fish with your dignity intact" but somehow, it did.

    Maybe it was the withered flowers which did it.

  26. Don't worry. You can't eat most flowers ,so being able to grow them is a bit like being able to do Origami ; pleasant but not vital to one's well-being .
    P.S. I thought of you yesterday when I encountered a two year old boy in Prada shoes .Shiny black patent leather Prada shoes . Worn with a shiny black track suit .

  27. Rich - Gosh, that was such a long time ago I wrote about the fish. But you do have reasons for remembering it ....

    SmitandSon - Babies in Prada? People should be jailed.

  28. Hahahahaha again! Love the bracelets. Lovely sense of humor. Thanks for the giggles.

  29. Anonymous3/11/10 20:49

    Another rattling good read. Thanks for this.

    All the best, Boonie

  30. I'm liking the look of that cake made out of flowers ... so pretty!

  31. Looking at that last picture of flowers, it seems as though you are as green fingered as me. All my flowers end up crispy too.

  32. Midlife Jobhunter - you can get the bracelets at any good garden store. I think you may need to put the final touches to them yourself though.

    Boonie - thanks for your comment. Glad to amuse.

    Joanne - who cares about flowers? Is there cake underneath, that's all I care about.

    Annie - yes, that's just it! Crispy! Maybe one day crispy flowers will come into fashion and we'll be well away, you and I.

  33. Gorgeous arrangement! It is perfect to send as a gift. I love it. Thanks for sharing.



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